I read your whole thread (all 3 threads, actually). I skimmed some of the longer posts - I have to work too - but I got the general gist of things. I am writing to offer you some words of encouragement.
I know that every reminder of OM and the A are painful. I feel the exact same pain every time I see a new lacy bra in my closet or see a charge for a fancy pair of boots on my credit card. I also know the fear you experience: fear of saying or doing the wrong thing, of making a mistake. It has governed my life for a long time. (you really should check out my new favorite post, if you haven't already, by ericmsant2: The star is inside of YOU! )
Many of us are in a similar sitch, but we remain fixated on the past and our spouses actions. You, on the other hand, seem to be making a sincere effort to detach and you seem to be succeeding at it. Focus on your modest successes. You have endured a couple of 2x4s from other posters, and came out stronger for it. you did not cower. You learned from their wisdom. I especially liked your conversation regarding your Ws ambivalence about seeing your visiting friend. You handled that way better than I would have. You seem to be becoming a better "you", and that should not change regardless of the outcome. I have learned a lot from reading your posts and their responses.
You are making progress, IMHO. It may seem like you are not, because the process is a slow gradual one. You should really compare your original posts to your current ones. We all make mistakes, and feel bad about them later. We all feel badly about what our spouses are doing. It is how we respond to the setbacks that truly defines us.
Now, if only I could take my own advice and encourage myself!
Does anyone know how I can proceed here while still following DB principles? I reread several sections of DR last night and all I can see is "after the LRT". She wont end the affair, sees nothing wrong with her actions, and (if I am to gather via BFF) sees herself as a prize that I have simply lost by not being happy enough. Even though she herself is miserable. There is certainly truth in that, but all I have done for the past 3 months is make progress in the right direction on all fronts.
Am I wrong to act on emotion right now? Should I initiate a talk tonight?
It just kills me that I am still portrayed (according to these texts from BFF) as hanging on, trying to win her back, pursuing etc etc. I have distanced myself from her as much as I possibly can with her still in the house and doing very little to pull her weight. I cant go any darker with her sleeping 15 feet away from me.
What could you say that hasn't already been said? Why would this talk work when others haven't?
There is a tiny paragraph in Divorce Remedy she calls "after the LRT". But mainly it comes down to deciding if you want to live in an open M or not. When the WAS refuses to end the A, you have two choices. When you decide enough is enough is up to you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Should I even acknowledge that I know she is planning to move out? It might not even been 100% true.
Of course not. There is nothing to be gained. Remember she is an opponent to your M right now. Don't share intel with your opponent. She has now lost the element of surprise in her move. That gives you time to prepare and not break down when/if she follows through. That may be worth something or nothing. But revealing that you know will just cause her to plug the leaks.
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Am I wrong to act on emotion right now? Should I initiate a talk tonight?
While you're DB'ing trying to work on your M, never act on emotion. The best choices are made rationally. And stop talking; she's not listening.
And asking her to "move out sooner" - what does that accomplish? You are trying to tell her what to do. Learn to state your actual boundary (what you won't tolerate) without telling her what to do. There are pros/cons to have her living with you. If you think she's already planning to move, it will happen soon enough, there's no need to hand her another example of you trying to tell her what to do.
And more important than telling her you plan to move on is showing her (without telling her) that you are moving on and will be just fine.
-zew
Zew stole all my thunder -- nothing remains to be said. This is all spot-on, 1foot. ^^^
And more important than telling her you plan to move on is showing her (without telling her) that you are moving on and will be just fine.
Thanks Zew. That is exactly what I will do. I will say nothing about her moving out. I will tell her that I dont intend to come to Thanksgiving. If she asks why, I will say I dont feel its appropriate, and that I am moving on with establishing a new tradition for the holiday. (Im still trying to come up with something to do with the boys. Theyre so picky about food it doesnt really make sense to have our own "thanksgiving lunch", but something along those lines.)
I also appreciate the idea of simply using this info to be better prepared. If its in my mind for the next month that she will be gone soon, I will be completely ready before shes even out the door. Ive already started mentally separating our possessions.
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What could you say that hasn't already been said? Why would this talk work when others haven't?
Sandi: Thanks for the check in. This wouldnt be a talk to try to convince her of anything. It would be a talk to state that I am fine with, even waiting for her to move out, so that I can move on. I'm still unsure if I should make some kind of comment to this effect: "I understand you are planning to move out after Xmas. I wish you had done this sooner." Something like that, to indicate that I am in fact ready to move on.
But I realize that the better choice is simply to keep demonstrating that I have been moving on and will continue to do so. The truth is that I have. Although I have certainly kept it in the back of my mind that she might reconsider. Its almost like I am impatient for her to do *something* so that the reality of this can have more of an impact on her quicker.
RAI: Thank you for checking in. It does help to hear someone seeing that I've made progress. I think what frustrated me more about this convo I had with her friend yesterday was her throwing all of this crap at me as if the last 4 months hadn't even happened. With time to reflect, I realize that it has nothing to do with my actual progress, but more with the fact that the "reasons" my W and her friend have for the split are not all that connected to reality. I am no longer going to have these kinds of conversations with her friend. They are horrible for me.
I had a good convo with my mom this morning. She thinks I should file and get it over with, but understands that that is not quite my strategy at this point. She gave me a lot of 2x4s about taking the BFFs criticism too harshly, and reminded me that my Ws escapist personality has always been there, that she put all of the blame on me when I was battling with depression earlier this year (while working full time, sleep deprived from a newborn, and doing more than my share of housework), and that my W clearly appears to be looking for someone new to save her, because I did not, and that all of her claims to be striking out on her own as an independent woman are so far all smoke and mirrors. She still loves my W but believes very strongly that she is the wrong person for me.
At this point, it is a deep love (deeper than all of this stuff which is piled high at this point) for the *best* her, and a desire for a whole family that keeps me holding on to some kind of hope. But its hard not to see the reality that I will just be better off without her. Its hard to see her coming back and wanting to work, and impossible to know how I would even feel at that point. And as my mom reminded me today, she is going to need to fall much farther in order to really confront her issues. It could take years.
All in all, I feel good. Let the detachment continue.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Oh and heres a good one. Last night I get a text from Ws friend, the one who went on the double date with her and tagged her on FB, (and is also divorced, with a son, and has a new BF every month it seems). I thought "oh no its already made it back to her and shes going to apologize or say some other corny thing to me". nope. she texted to say this friend of hers, Rachael, is a really good DJ but has never Djed with records (I am a vinyl only DJ) and wants to learn, and could come along on one of my next gigs to get some pointers.
basically trying to set me up with her friend. cripes what is wrong with all of these people?! i refrained from texting back "please lose my phone number" and instead wrote "i'm really not interested at this time".
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Sandi: Thanks for the check in. This wouldnt be a talk to try to convince her of anything. It would be a talk to state that I am fine with, even waiting for her to move out, so that I can move on. I'm still unsure if I should make some kind of comment to this effect: "I understand you are planning to move out after Xmas. I wish you had done this sooner." Something like that, to indicate that I am in fact ready to move on.
I look at it the same as when the LBH is "telling" his WAW that he is working on himself. He's making changes, etc. Trust me, you don't want to say anything about what you are doing, going to do, wish you had done. Just do it. As Zew said, she's not listening. If she was, she wouldn't believe you or wouldn't care. She has to see it happen. And, as I keep preaching, she has to experience some kind of loss.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She has to see it happen. And, as I keep preaching, she has to experience some kind of loss.
Exactly, and I know that I have lost a little sight of that. Fatigue with all of this, I suppose. I'm back on track I think.
It got brutally cold this week. Everyone in the house got sick. Its so dark all the time. I think it all combined to just throw me off. I was having a really good fall!
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Well, a rather difficult couple of days. Last week my oldest got strep throat, and soon after W started to get sick. Then baby got a cough, which turned out to be croup. I took him into the doctor yesterday and got him tested for strep, negative, and got a steroid prescribed for his breathing. Picked that up and went home. W had stayed home from work for the day, was looking really rough. I could tell she wanted me to stay home to take care of the boys for the rest of the day but that's really not possible on Friday, one of my busiest days. I left for work. Her bff calls me, asking about W, If she can help in any way. I told her to call wife, as I don't want to get involved. Told her I'm in a difficult spot. Bff says "what do you mean?" BFF truly is clueless. I said I didn't want to get into it but clearly I can't take care of W like I used to. Went to work, very busy day. Bff texts that W is doing really bad and could I come home. I say sorry I can't. The. I text Ws mom and tell her to call W but please not say that I asked her to. Ws mom ends up going over.
Same story this morning. I get up with kids, make breakfast and go to work. W says she is feeling a bit better, and that she will probably take her night out of the house tonight. She's either on her deathbed or leaving so: par for the course. Once at work, in getting texts from her bff, her mom and from W asking me to come home, which again is nearly impossible for me to do on a Saturday. Ended up leaving ninety minutes early, now home and taking my boys to dinner.
I'm in a sitch that feels impossible right now, but trying not to get frustrated. Want to look out for my boys but it means caving to my W often. She is sick almost every other week.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
I don't need to echo the 'no talks, all action' rule. But to make it easier to execute here's my understanding of why that rule is there.
The only reason to 'talk, explain, etc' is to either:
1) temperature check 2) try to influence her behavior or beliefs
If you were in the detached/acceptance stage you wouldn't need to talk to her. You would no longer be fixated on what she's thinking, planning, doing, feeling.
Not criticizing for not being there, that comes with time. But if she feels you haven't let go, telling her that you have would only prove that you care whether she thinks you have.
Keep going!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
