Thank you for posting. Your W does seem to be having a tough time and clearly that includes the financial aspects. Sadly it is her choice. Is W having extra medical help in addition? From what you write she is giving support but this is taking its toll on her.
I loved your description of the GAL with your kids.
Yes, I agree there is a great deal of pain in the threads but enormous advice and support too. Just wanted to let you know that I agree with Ahoys ^^^^^^.
Can you say what it is about the 80% that seems to make her withdraw? Do you sense she is getting ready to reach out to you again? Is she close to her kids equally?
Admiration Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/01/1405:32 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Hi vanilla. Not sure about your first paragraph If you mean medical help then she is getting none. Her finances are very very tight and she moved out when they were even worse. She told me today that she feels she lived her life always worrying about the future and not enjoying the now. She will not be getting a full time job as she wishes to live her life day to day That's ok but at 46 you have responsibilities to four kids
My as has always been close to my oldest but he has pulled away for her over her lies and her leaving Each day she is different and I am not sure what she is thinking.
Re her pulling back , I will give a few examples
She told me she is homesick and misses me. I responded that she was missed and nothing was set in stone She came straight back and said that she had made her bed and now had to lie in it.
She told me she was in a MLC and about to have a breakdown. I offered to pay for an I/c of her choosing and she told me it was her problem and she would figure it out
Just back from hospital with D16 because his anathema flared up And he need a nebuliser Doc told me stress can be a major factor !!!!!! D16 broke down this morning because he said he can't understand why W left the family All very sad. I know it's life but still very sad
Thanks for that clarification. Sounds like W needs some medical help but can't afford it and needs counselling and won't have it.
In your eyes she's not taking responsibility for herself and is losing her relationship with her children. Living hand to mouth and day to day. What will you do if she does breakdown, is there a plan?
All she has to do is open her heart and see that she has a loving family and return to it. Although damage has been done, it would seem from your description that this is still possible?
MLC is illogical behaviour and it seems you have fully understood that W needs to resolve issues for herself. I can see why you are sad.
I admire your spirit and strength in this detachment and have taken this as a strength in my own sitch. Using you as a role model. Thank you Vanilla
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Hi Vanilli. You are much too kind. I am far from an example My detachment was perfect for the first 4 weeks but once she started to talk about missing me and being homesick I think she could she my detachment slip. I never said anything but she could proberbly tell.
Re the MLC , unfortunately she seems to be the poster girl. I have no control over her or her feelings but to watch someone I have loved so much for over twenty years become this person is incredibly hard and I'm not sure I have what it takes to deal with it I know I have to but Looking ahead the road seems very long and dark.
I thank you for your kind words and hope all turns out as you want it to
I noticed you first said the two of you were using the same IC, then later you referred to that person as a life coach. I looked it up on the Internet, and apparently, it doesn't take much education or experience to be called a life coach. I am not saying this to cause you more worry, but your W's condition may require a more higher skilled professional. It sounds as if she may need to see a docor for medication (temporarly), and maybe a pyschologist.
Do you feel her using these words......"fog" and "MLC" are really her words, or someone who has said it to her? Maybe you could not tell.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Okay, thanks. I understand about your W and what she says. I had read books on MR for many years, yet I don't believe I fully recognized what was happening to me at first. Once I was involved with OM, the emotional need was seemed stronger than my morals. But I'm not making excuses. I knew I was wrong for my EA. But the A was only part of everything that was going on. I was such a mess, and really was not thinking clearly.
I said all of that to say this, as much as I had read on the subject, none of the previous material I had studied seem to break through the fog and into my memory cells to say, "Hey, stupid.....this is what you have read about in the past. Wake up!"
I had been raised in a good home and tried to be a "good" Christian, and never did I believe I would do what I did! However, I failed miserably when I hit that point & time of temptation in my life. It is usually when we are in a weaken condition (spiritually, physically, mentally, or emotionally) that causes us to backslide from the kind of person we have always been. I had been dealing with tremendous stress for years, compiled with a lot of sadness/emptiness. When I look back on how it happened, I can see how my loneliness contributed to pulling me in (to a point), before I recognized what was happening. By then, I was already hooked (only I didn't know it was like an addiction).
You know what seems so crazy with many WAW's? Instead of being honest and just come out about OM/A, they will deny it and continue to cover up....even if they separate from the H. It's so crazy! There is nothing about it that is logical. That's why it seems almost like a sickness. Except there is one point that nobody can deny, no matter how bad a person's situation may be.....it is always a choice to cheat.
Tell you something else that sounds totally nuts. I don't think I ever used that word (cheat) when thinking to myself about the stitch at the time of my A. I really can't remember. I was just so wrapped up in my own fantasy.
Perhaps none of this is very helpful to you right now. Don't know why I am even telling you all of this, except to say that I did come through it and I finally woke up. My H and I are still together. And even though all those books in previous years were forgotten, the good Lord helped me find my way to this board.....therefore, leading me out of my waywardness.
My H saw a side of me that neither of us knew existed. And I saw a side of him I had never seen, too. Try to remember she is not the same woman right now. Maintain your integrity and lead with strength and honor. You won't be sorry, nor ashamed of your actions later.
I know things look dark right now, but things can still turn around in time. I don't think it will be overnight or a quick fix. It wasn't for me, either. But it can happen.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you again for sharing your experience. I'm sure it's tough to talk about. Not to high jack, but your description here sounds so much like my W. It helps give me hope that this sickness is not unique to just her but is typical in these situations.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
