Ss... yeah, I was wondering if I could copyright my own threads?? My book is coming.
Wonka I will check it out. Thanks.
You know... I almost had a moment, guys. Didn't pull the trigger, but I was so close.
XH gave the due date (that, according to measurements, is accurate). Well... I counted back and xh was def with hww that week and time period. I read my texts from that time (I have them from the whole year.) It was my birthday. They were together. I didn't know about her, but the way things went down... ugh. Xh dropped a bill off the night of my birthday. I was upset and he kept pushing me and questioning me. He looked unhappy, but something was up. I just said that I was sad bc I spent my entire birthday wondering who my husband was with. He had the guiltiest look on his face. He didn't say a word.
That week was also the first and only temp check, if you will, I did, too. I was off that week, and had it planned. Early in the morning before he went to work, I texted xh and asked him to go to coffee. He said he didn't have enough time. I knew this wasn't true. And he would take the kids at that time, a couple of times, to breakfast. I did it early enough so he would be able to go. He was with her.
Damn it. I just don't think I can do this. Seeing those texts was so painful.
I composed a text to xh tonight stating that it is obviously his and xyz is why, and a "Good luck" at the end. I didn't send it bc I thought of Wonka's sirens! he is probably hearing it right now from hww, and I don't want to add to that as I know it is a lot to handle right now.
Big doins, M. First of all, you never have to apologize to me. You feel how you do. It's always your choice in how you act and what you say.
Your h's brain is on overload right now. He has mixed feelings about you and about her and if the kid is his.
A lot for him to sort out, right? Best to give him plenty of space to do it.
Remember that he was unhappy and thought the ow was the answer. Now he may be realizing that isnt the case but the there is the added element that the baby might be his. She represented the possibility of an end to the pain he felt in crisis. I know it doesnt make sense, but, we arent in a crisis so it wont to us.
If she wasnt the answer and leaving you wasnt it either, that means he has to start to look at himself. That's hard stuff for them.
Please try not to be upset if he is sad about what is going on with her. I know it's hard not to take it personally, but, it really isnt.
He is all mixed up and it's crazy up in his head right about now.
Please find your footing. Your children are watching. They need to not get their hopes up until and unless you and your xh figure out what you want.
M, it is always ok to be the you that you want to be. No one is living your life.
So, you said what you wanted to say to her. Time to leave that alone. She isnt worth your time and energy.
And Mighty - don't make any ASSumptions about this baby. It could be his. Or she could have had sex with her ex that same week. Or she could be lying about her due date. Nobody knows, and nobody WILL know until the paternity test is done.
All you can do is keep on keeping on, and give some thought to what are dealbreakers for you. If this IS his baby, is that a dealbreaker for you? (It would be for many, but not for everybody.)
Whatever you do - DON'T take him back until he DOES THE WORK.....the worst thing you can do is take him back too early. And besides - no matter how he feels right now, it's possible that if this IS his baby, he might change his mind yet again. So just breathe, stick to the high road, remain noncommittal, and focus on YOUR internal work and GAL right now.
Yes, Ellie. You are right. And, I have no intention of any of that any time soon. He needs some serious alone time. And IF he wanted me... it would be a lot of work. Then I would consider it. I'm not there yet.
But, I guess what is so hard is that I do love him and it is so natural when we are together lately, because he is so much more himself. So I guess, especially with him next door, and us pulling together for the kids, the holiday, yadda... I just don't know that we can have even that "friendship" which is so natural for us, and then- BAM! Deal with that. It just may be too close for comfort even before all that.
I just can't be his friend with her in his life. So this is really difficult.
Right. This is actually where I found my power. For months, I didn't react, engage, reach out. All the while he was softly scratching at my door.
I do think it helped move him along. My non-engagement. He was seeking something from me, even immediately after he nuked me. He was crying out, but trapped. He was confused, but I could always feel his pull. The more I didn't react or engage, I noticed that he never let up.
I need to find power in silence. Today, for example, it seemed very easy for me to reach out to him. He was literally right there when I got home. I didn't even look. I did my usual thing and walked right into the house. I never responded to the texts this morning. Tonight I didn't reach out. Then I saw I had missed a few calls and tm from him from earlier in the evening. I think about p/u d13, but she was home sick.
So he brought over a mug?
OK, and he is dealing with crazy train right now. Hormonal crazy train. And she is desperate. She left her man for this. Well, that why you don't leave your family for someone who already has one. (And again, today, she said she doesn't understand why I don't like her. OMG, was this girl spoiled to death growing up or something? WTF??)
Power in silence. Keep doing my thing. Show all of what I have accomplished this year. I just can't lose footing because I get overwhelmed or emotional.
I joke with my friends at work... "I'm falling down!" Remember the Michael Douglas movie? Falling Down? I said it years ago as a joke after a rough day. It was always a long-running joke. This brings a whole new meaning.
He wants to say something, but isn't ready. He didn't say that. I can just tell. I don't know what he is thinking.
Um, yes. He has a LOT to say. But it won't happen overnight. There's a lot that has to happen before he'll be able to talk. Could be years. But as you've surmised, it has to do with trust. Seems backwards from all you ever learned in the past that he needs to trust you, right? But think about it.
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OK, stay focused. Keep it about the kids. That's what matters now.
No, you matter too. They may be the higher priority at the moment, but keep your focus on you as well. They are the higher priority at the moment for a self-serving reason too. If you don't handle that, things will wobble in a way that will not be pleasant to you. So really, the three of you are on equal footing.
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And, he said, "You know the relief s17 had when I told him about moving out? That's the same relief I have.
It's a start. There's more, but it'll take a long time to unwind things. And no matter how things end up with the two of you, I strongly recommend friends at a minimum. For now, that might be a good place to work toward.
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Anyone who has been through the break-up of ow, please feel free to chime in. It is bringing up some emotions for me. To think he is emotional about that and feels bad when he walked out on me after 20 years. Not a good feeling.
I agree with Wonka, but there's more in the archives if they have not been purged. Job had some really good advice to many a poster in the past regarding this type of stuff. I believe it was Raine that also had some good things to say.
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I have got to pick up my gal game! Geesh... next door?! Seriously?!
If it helps, mine moved in a few blocks away. I almost ran her over a few years ago (on accident, I swear!). It is weird at first. Convenient after a while
Like I said, Mighty. Be careful that the change in direction doesn't throw you off. To keep your balance, you pretty much need to STFU and learn to listen. You will hear things you may not want to. You will feel things you may not like. But if you are detached enough, you might just find it is helpful to you both.
Job once mentioned that in the cycle of things, the LBS has the final say on staying gone. It may take months. It may take years. It may take decades, but it always plays out that way. If it hasn't, the story often isn't over... Many people on these boards have made quite the study of MLC and relationships. They've been through it and seen it. MGoBlue was another poster that might be helpful to you, but I think Wonka's suggestion is a great bet. And your own instinct vs. your feelings.
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The truth is, I don't know what he wants, and I'm sure he doesn't know either.
Well, he thinks he knows one thing - he doesn't want to be near her. Regardless of his past, he took action on that. But let it play out and be detached. No expectations. See above about the value of listening. About the value of letting hww be the crazy one. Of remembering that you fought for your h and the marriage and the family, but not with hww.
And don't get ahead of yourself. This may turn out to be a respite. It may be something else. The choice is completely and utterly yours.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Mighty, I know the possibility of the baby looms large. The truth is that there is not getting away from it.
But now is not the time for you to get unhinged. You have survived a great many things. I know you will survive that if it turns out to be his. That is still an uncertainty, though.
I know its hard when you see them acting like their old selves. But he still has a lot to figure out. You want him to do that regardless of what you decide.
So, back on your path, right? One foot in front of the other. keep working on you. Keep the focus on the kids. Leave him to work thought his stuff.
