Going Down Hill 2

[zed]

Last 2 days. I have been away working. Trying not to think about W at all. Down to maybe 40% of the day so improving. Little to no contact with her except a couple TM about kids parent/teacher interviews. I really feel some space is best for now as after 1st mediation things were pretty tense and I was and still pretty angry with W. Been thinking about something Sandi said with how she believes the WAS should leave with only the clothes on their back.
Mediation was something the W and me sort of both decided. Thinking back I agreed to mediation b/c I thought maybe it would help us get back together. But now not too sure. We are paying for mediation out of our joint account. But now I don't feel right paying for something that is helping her break apart our family and I believe hurt the kids.
I was thinking of sending her a email something like this: "I don't know how you feel mediation is going. It is not going as good as I thought it would. I do not feel right helping you financially and physically do something that is going against something I believe is wrong and breaking our family apart. You can continue to do what ever you feel is necessary and I will do what I have to, out of obligation only. So if we continue mediation or what ever you decide you can have the full responsibility"

What does everyone think of this. I don't believe it is harsh and maybe standing up for myself. Thoughts?

[zed]

Every time I start reading this board and other peoples situations it somehow make me feel better. I find that there are so many of these situations are very similar to mine. The "W" usually leaves around the late twenties to early thirties. She is usually angry and cold and the LBH usually has no idea what happened. Some of us reflect and realize that the W never really felt loved, felt ignored or felt that we never took their feelings into account. I for 1 has never told her that I didn't love her but my actions never always showed it. We then try to better ourselves. First for hopes that W will take notice and decide to stay in the marriage. But then we realize that we have to make the changes for ourselves. So that we could really be happy. If the W comes back that is icing on the cake but at least we are a better person.

I so much want to tell all my friends what I have learned so that they can avoid this. I have 1 friend who when through this exact thing approx. 5 years ago. I wish he would have hit me over the head with a 2x4 so that maybe I would have took notice. But would I have heard? Maybe you only learn and listen when you are ready to.

So a big thanks to everyone on this board for sharing. I am not alright right now. But with support and just knowing so many other people are going through the same thing. I now maybe believe I can get through this. I say this now and maybe tomorrow it will be a bad day and I won't feel the same way. But hopefully those days will get less and less.

[zed]

I don’t remember who’s post I read this on but they were talking about finding someone to look up to and try to be like. I have found my role model. It is my Grandpa. He has been married to the same person for over 50 years. She is starting to have medical issues and he does everything he can for her. He takes time to enjoy the simple pleasures in life. (Just got a chair that helps take you up and down the stairs, he said he rode it 10 times the first day he got it b/c it was fun). He will give the shirt off his back to help anyone. Will take the time to stop on the street to talk to someone barely knows.
This is a man who has 6 kids, probably close to 20 grandkids and probably close to 40 great grand kids. At his age he still know’s everyone’s name where they live and what they do for work. Knows where and what I did for work close to 20 years ago when I graduated and moved 8 hours away and seen him maybe once every 2 years. Always has time for his family. He can tell you the same story 40 times about something he did 50 years ago and it always sounds interesting. Maybe the best thing I love about him is that he is not afraid to share his feelings and tell you how proud his is of you. Something I have really taken to heart and have been making sure I tell my kids how much proud I am of them and how much I love them. I would love to tell “W” the same thing, have tried, but she does not want to hear it right now. Just by his actions he has really shown me how I was so consumed in my life that I have never really looked around to see other people. I’m trying to correct that and I think I’m slowly getting better at it
He’s strong, proud, confident, loving and caring. Someone I really want to be.

[BigMac]

Zed, you nailed it about the pattern. And that finding ourselves is the real benefit of the process.

If the W comes back, and also if we will take them back after is a whole other question, but at least we grow.

[zed]

So A couple days of good detaching and starting to feel a little bit better about myself. Booked a trip to destination wedding in Mexico of one of my good friends that was coming up in Jan. W and I were talking about going and with all this stuff on the back burner we just sort of left it. I decided yesterday that he is a good friend of mine. Was in my wedding party. I am going and I really should not care what she thinks. So back to detaching. I was feeling better about myself. I am really starting to get in good shape, and come Jan for mexico should hopefully be in great shape.
Then last night I had a dream about her. Again all morning I can't get her out of my head. I guess this is a relapse. Hopefully start to feel better soon. I really don't want to feel like this anymore.

[zed]

So I have been gone dark for last week or so only exchanges with "W has been some questions she asked me about the fire place and bye on the phone after talking with kids. I feel like it has helped me detach quite a bit. However tonight W tm me to ask me a question about phone bill here is the exchange
W- do you know what this means you have spent more than $5 on data (I waited for 15 min as she is always just asking me to do stuff and expect's me to be right there for her)
W- Never mind I figured it out
W- Maybe not
M- I don't know what that means but I got an email saying someone is trying to get approval to see account. So that must have been something you are trying to do?
W- Maybe from me? I was trying to log on to see my data
M- K I will call them when I get time and sort it out
W- I don't think there is anything to sort out, just trying to see if I went over on Internet of texting
W- Or even if it matters
M- Probably don't want to be paying extra if we don't have to
W- K I will look into it. I would rather start learning how to do all this stuff myself (This feels like she is trying to dig the knife into my heart more re-affirming that she wants out)
M- K let me know if you have any troubles (Me trying to be nice but letting her do what she wants)
W- Thx

So I hate that all it takes is a little text message to get me down again. I don't know if I could have done anything else. Was I passive/aggressive. I know this is something that I just shouldn't worry about but it still gets me so much. If I can't handle this it is going to be even tougher when we are face to face at our 2nd mediation in about a week. I have so far to go to detach so that these little things don't hurt anymore

[zed]

Last time at mediation W and I decided we would buy another house. I would live in it when she had kids. W would live in it when I had kids. Until we can figure out finaces and decide who is moveing out of the matrimonial house

Now she decided that she does not want to do that. As she would just stay with her mom. So to it feels like she wants me to move out, pay the rent all b/c she does not want to be with me anymore. I not too sure how to react to this but for now I said I would think about it. I really feel like I am sort getting pushed to do something I do not want to. She wants to end this and not be part of this family. She can move.

[zed]

I'm so confused right now. It seems like I can't do anything right. I am trying to detach and be loving. W thinks I being manipulating. She does not believe a thing I say. We are getting all financial stuff together to split. I sent her everything I can think. I put everything down to the penny. She thinks I holding stuff back.
W says she wants space. I took work away for 8 days to get her space. Then come home for 3 days and she is saying I'm not giving her space. Why can't she make her own space and leave for awhile if she wants it so bad. She says I'm not being fair by not wanting to move out. Why is that not fair. It is our house. If she wants space. Take it yourself. Its seems like she wants me to do everything. Is it just the way I see it or does she have a point. I think this is just spew but hard not to try to think that you are not being fair when W is so sure of it.

[zed]

So I kind of think I found out why "W" thinks I have not took ownership of the situation. She says that I not taking ownership b/c I say she is making a choice to separate/divorce.

I think I have taken ownership. I have done a lot of soul searching. I have realized that I never shown her how much I did love her. I think I took her for granted. It [censored] but I could have avoided this. I just showed up late for the party. I have changed myself. Is that the best I can do.

[zed]

Another day of mediation tomorrow. She is so sure that I am not being fair. By wanting the kids 50/50. Wanting the house. That she is getting very angry. I don't like how this is turning out. She said it is over so I am trying to look after my interests for the rest of my life. I don't want to have the kids feel like I abandoned them.

I feel like if I cave and give her what she wants. She would be happy and there would be a chance to get back together in the future. But If we don't I don't think I could live with myself for giving everything up and not going for what I believe is right. And if I go for what I think if fair. There will be so hard of feelings that there will be no chance of getting back together.