Toots I remember the days when it had only been 4 or so months after BD for me. All I can say is that it takes time and moving towards a future for you while brushing away the fantasy that isn't. I spent way too much time dreaming of the fix or the silver bullet that would solve it. All of my truth about what happened in W life had to come from the grapevine too.
You need to recognize your value and believe in it. You don't need all the answers today. But believe that you have a future where you are happy. Work towards that and just take it one day at a time. Its a long road, but you will make it.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
Thanks Bunches. I'm regrouping. Had a good cry and now getting out the books again - another bend in the road...A friend is going to ring for a chat in a little while too.
I've decided that I'm not going to rescue him at all here. I'm not going to take steps to 'enable' a conversation. And if we do talk, I'm not going to 'open' any discussions about our M. He will need to do all of that if he wants our M to end and wants to ask for a divorce. Time to man up and put his BBPs on. It is hard to understand that he seems to have decided this weeks ago - and just hasn't done anything about telling me...
Our friend said she thinks he's hoping that I will start things off in terms of divorce - well that's not going to happen yet. I'm not done!
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Wait............... he has one child, and at 45 has decided he wants to "start a family" ie have more children?
Is he crazy?
Toots, you are on the right path.
Let me ask you a personal question, feel free to not answer if you don't feel comfortable. How do you feel about having children?
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
When we moved in together, I was 39. We stopped using contraception and decided we would leave things in the lap of the gods. TBH, I've always been a bit ambivalent about having children, but I felt if it happened, and 'we' became pregnant, I'd be really pleased.
Anyway it never happened & I had an early menopause. TBH, we always had a great family life with SS14, and I was content that this was our family. It is weird that H doesn't seem to view us as a 'family' now and wants a new one. He & I did tentatively talk about adoption at points. I wasn't really in favour, and he wasn't pressing for it - so it wasn't something we pursued.
In talks since we S, he has said all of this is an issue for him. But he has also said it isn't central to things. Except now he seems to have decided that it is - albeit he hasn't told me this himself...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I also should have said. Alongside saying all of the above - he has been saying..."gee, I just don't know about starting another family. I'm 45 now, I'd be 65 before kids were all grown up..."
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
So, given the above developments, I should expect some contact from H soon - saying that he has decided the M is over and wants a divorce. I need to think about how I respond.
In UK law, there needs to be grounds for divorce if you haven't been separated for 2 years yet. One of these is adultery, and I could file now on that basis. However, I have always said (to myself) that I won't be the one to file until/unless I'm 'done,' As far as I understand H has no grounds to file. It would have to be me. Any thoughts?
Also, I think I should make a solicitor appt now. Our friend told me that H expects us to sell our main house and I receive half of that - and that's all. But we have other assets, which probably total another �500k plus. He believes all of these are 'his.' But I believe the law sees them as 'ours.' They have all been built up during our relationship. So, I need to understand how all of that works too....just in case.
Any comments/thoughts would be really welcome at this stage guys...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I think you should definitely see counsel at this point to understand 'your' rights and how to protect yourself. You should also start keeping a record of what assets there are today in case your H starts to try moving them or something.
But as for the rest about figuring a response and expecting a call...you are mind reading and focusing on what is going on in H life. Don't do that. Let him be and do what he is going to do. If he does call and give you the talk its best to stick to the easy phrases. I'm going to have to think about that, or the like. You are planning a reaction based on his possible actions...not healthy for you I think.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
Hi Bunches - thanks for that second point. I hadn't thought of it as mind reading. I was just in a panic wondering what I would do if it happens. I'll remember the phrase - let him be and do what he is going to do....& try and get into a healthier DB frame of mind about it..thanks for your input.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
So, I'm still reading Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabat Zinn, and this struck a chord with me today...
He talks of being dissatisfied with the present. Wanting something more to happen. To possess something that would make you feel better, complete, whole. An impulse to get what you want and hold on to it.
He says - Such impulses are driven by a kind of greediness, or a 'more for me' impulse, in order to be happy. Maybe it is money, control or love. Whatever your craving at this point, to be driven by such impulses means that, on a deep level, you don't believe that you are whole as you are....
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Got the keys to my new rental flat today. Very pleased with it and spent a nice afternoon cleaning and organising my new kitchen.
Had the radio going and hardly thought about H at all for hours. Went to an IC appt yesterday. She mentioned a couple of things that I found useful.
1) When you are working on yourself, get back in touch with your 'passion.' What are you passionate about? Dancing? Singing? etc. Things that you once loved to do but stopped...maybe because you got into an R? Well, get out there and do them.
2) Have a think about your attributes. They might be positive ones. For me, we came up with nurturing, rational, articulate - amongst others. She then said to have a look at what you aren't doing when you display these attributes:
Nurturing (caring for others) - Not caring for yourself? Rational - Not being nonsensical, spontaneous.. Articulate - I can't remember that one....but hopefully you get the picture.
She was just trying to say that - those things you don't do, may well be things to get back in touch with, and work on as part of working on you.
Back to my new flat tomorrow for some more cleaning and sorting...feels good :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
