"Going Dark" - 101

[Ripken8]

From everything that I've read and heard, when it comes to your children, you never go dark on that. imo if you want to know how your child is doing, call and ask or text. Maybe be able to talk with them. You should not initiate with her but continue to initiate with your children.

[Joe J S]

I am proud to say that I successfully continued to stay in the dark after a surprise call from W. She accused me of a couple things including kidnapping our son while she would be out of town with OOM. I calmly told her to stop listening to other people. Then she started to ask about me and I quickly ended the conversation. It's hard but I no longer feel under her control.

[bride]

I am at the point where my h is going to file very soon. He's said he is done, doens't love me.. We have been separated 6 months. I am confused as to whether I should just sit back and let him file and go through the divorce process and HOPE he changes his mind or do I have a conversation with him.. I want to basically tell him I respect his feelings, that I am moving on with my life but that I would like him to be a part of things and our family with the kids and grandkids.
I don't want to address the past and bring up marital issues, somehow I just want to tell him that I want him to reconsider but I really dont know how to go about that and I especially do not want to make him feel trapped and have me asking by a push for him to want to sign papers.
I believe he is a mlc'r he told me that six months before he left he had planned out his suicide and I was the reason. He tried to leave in feb 2015 and stayed another month. He has a "good friend" who he has been texting for at least 6 montsh almost every minute of the day.. Now I believe he is talking or seeing other woman because I saw a pic come up on his phone the other day of a woman.
I need help on how to address him and when? I have minimal contact with him through text. Most of the time he responds and we have a brief conversation He has recently gone to three concerts with us and breakfast afterwards. He traveled to many restaurants along side us to find one that was open. I kept insisting he could go home since his drive is 40m minutes away... He also just went clothes shopping with me and my daughter the other day.. We all got our ear pierced and again went to dinner. I tried to end the dinner date when I saw he was getting ansy to leave and he kept restarting a conversation topic.. I am surpirsed he has gone to these things with us because he told my daughter he doesn't enjoy my company. I believe he only went to please my daughter but I see that he didn't have to eat with... His behavior like many here is confusing. I think he's just being polite but I hope his heart is softening.. It doesn't seem like it when he still talks about divorce things though like the finances... I want to talk to him soon because his lease will be up in a month.
One reason I am hesitant to talk to him now though is the fact that he is leaving out of town for some psychology workshops and I am afraid that if I make a plea with him, he will go down to these workshops and talk about me and get advice from his collegues which will further solidify his leaving me. He feels he needs to be authentic with himself and he hasn't been our whole 25 year marriage. He treated me like gold and this divorce stuff is a total shocker to me and everyone that knows us..

[Cadet]

I am at the point where my h is going to file very soon. He's said he is done, doens't love me.. We have been separated 6 months. I am confused as to whether I should just sit back and let him file and go through the divorce process and HOPE he changes his mind or do I have a conversation with him.. I want to basically tell him I respect his feelings, that I am moving on with my life but that I would like him to be a part of things and our family with the kids and grandkids.

Welcome to the board.

First I would suggest you post in newcomers as your posts will get out of moderation faster.

As far as the above, are you trying to guilt him into changing?

I would just keep quiet.

[brit]

My husband is a wah and going through a mLC. I'm not use to him being hurtful, but since he left he's been actively pushing me away as hard as he can. I finally decided to go dark and I'm implementing the LRT as he is already filing for divorce. After he said some hurtful things, in which I would normally respond in a needy and sad way, I decided to not respond. I have been hoping for him to help me understand, but I realize that will not happen. He won't go to counseling, even so we can better communicate for our three kids under 5. I sent him a picture of our baby after he skyped with the kids. She is 4 months old, and he left me when she was 1month, so I think he feels guilt especially when I send him pictures and he realizes all he's missing out on. After I sent the picture, I was surprised to get a text from him a couple of hours later that wasn't filled with the hate I had been dealing with since he left. I don't know if I should respond or how I should respond. I want to respond but I feel I should do opposite of what id normally do. The text was very emotional to me and I feel a response to it would be better in person, in the future. Here's the text: thank you for the photo. I love our children so much!!
You and I have made beautiful children together!! I don't regret the choices I have made to marry you and to create the family we have made. The choice that you and I made together to leave school and get married was the best decision I made. It has made me the person I am now. Yes I have made many mistakes during that time. I have fallen short many times during our marriage as a husband.
I'm sorry for those mistakes W, I really am. I tried my best, I really did. I know that you don't agree with my choice of divorce and I don't expect you to. I just want you to know that I love you and I always will!
I have you and our families best interest in my thoughts and every choice that I make. Please forgive me. I have asked God to forgive me and I know that the choice will affect us in many ways.
I do understand that moving on with my choice. Understand that I will never have ill feelings towards you moving on, I just want the best for you! I'm here for you...I know that we have not been the best to each other lately. I don't want to tear each other down anymore. I am moving forward but I will not tear you down in the process anymore. You don't do that to people you care about.
I'm hurting you enough by the choice that I have made.".

[JGuy]

I finally just got around to reading this topic and I'd like to thank JJ for sharing these ideas. I think the following may apply to me and my sitch:

Going dark could also fall into the "do nothing" category. If you were the type of person that always had to be involved in everything, either fixing, directing, or controlling the situation, then staying out of direct contact with your partner can help you to do a "180" on this situation. You are essentially "dropping the rope" to let others handle the situation without your interference.

Going dark can take you out of the chaos long enough to "take stock" of where you are versus where you were, and compared to where you want to go.

Going dark can be a form of "stop going down cheeseless tunnels". If you persist on running through the maze blindly, you may need to take yourself out of the picture until you can "sniff out" the tunnel you need to head down. (Humm, do I want the cheddar or the swiss?!)

Going dark can help you to "start with a beginner's mind". If you can take a step back back, far away from being in the middle of the situation, you can often begin to see things with a fresh eye, a "beginner's mind", and get a clearer view of where you need to head. We've seen this by the way others on this board can often view our situations with a clearer mind then we can.

I'm not sure about fully dark, but some shade of grey that is darker than how I have been so far does seem like it might be a good idea at this point in my sitch. I have always been the fixer and the pursuer. My W has recently come clean about past A's and is trying to figure out what her heart wants now after hiding that she wasn't attracted to me anymore since 2011. It seems like going dark would be good to just let her figure out what she wants while I focus on myself. I do hesitate a bit, because I worry that if I go dark she may forget about our emotional connection and that may sway her toward choosing to end the M. My emotions are all tangled up in her and I am a bit co-dependent though, so in some ways going dark may be good just for me.

Thanks for sharing this...

[sgctxok]

JGuy -

What are you thinking about specifically when you say you will go a little darker? Do you mean less pursuit, giving her space? What specifically will you be saying or doing or NOT be saying or doing?

It's great that you are putting some careful thought into this!

-sg

[JGuy]

What are you thinking about specifically when you say you will go a little darker? Do you mean less pursuit, giving her space? What specifically will you be saying or doing or NOT be saying or doing?

Yeah, less pursuit. Stepping back out of the chaos to slow down, take care of myself, process my feelings, take stock of the situation and gain clarity on what my own needs are so that I can assess the best way forward.

Right now I feel like I'm taking back some of the space that she occupied in my psyche. Filling the empty hole in my heart that she vacated with my own self-love, if that makes sense. It's the kind of thing that I should do for myself for the sake of myself, regardless of whether or now we can save the M.

I will still care for her and share stories of what we are going through, for now. Our ability to talk about things openly has be a source of meaning for us in the chaos and seems to speed up the processing that we need to go through individually. I just have to be vigilant about keeping a hold on than needy part of me that wants so badly to reach out and grab onto her for support and comfort.

[sgctxok]

What are you thinking about specifically when you say you will go a little darker? Do you mean less pursuit, giving her space? What specifically will you be saying or doing or NOT be saying or doing?

Yeah, less pursuit. Stepping back out of the chaos to slow down, take care of myself, process my feelings, take stock of the situation and gain clarity on what my own needs are so that I can assess the best way forward.

Right now I feel like I'm taking back some of the space that she occupied in my psyche. Filling the empty hole in my heart that she vacated with my own self-love, if that makes sense. It's the kind of thing that I should do for myself for the sake of myself, regardless of whether or now we can save the M.

I will still care for her and share stories of what we are going through, for now. Our ability to talk about things openly has be a source of meaning for us in the chaos and seems to speed up the processing that we need to go through individually. I just have to be vigilant about keeping a hold on than needy part of me that wants so badly to reach out and grab onto her for support and comfort.

That's a really good plan. I believe that it will get you where you want to be. Controlling what you allow to occupy your mind is major.

Best-
sg

[hmc]

My husband wants to be friends after announcing he wants a divorce. He said it's a done deal. He is still sleeping at home when it's convenient for him. Still very involved in kids life. He is chatty with me and pleasent and even helps me out. I'm having a hard time not confusing these actions as a sign that there may be hope. When I bring up our marriage he shuts down and reiterates the same thing. That he's done and his focus is himself his kids and getting along with me. My question is how friendly should u act towards my husband. I'm finding this extremely hard... the boundaries are blurry at least to me. I know I need to dissatach but it's so hard when he's so present and pleasent in my life