I agree that it was a controlling statement. I'd say you allow H to accompany you to the funeral. However, you might want to communicate your concerns to H so he's aware of them and hopefully will be able to step up at the funeral by holding himself together.
Leave it at that. It is is choice on how he wants to behave at the funeral.
Emotionally drained from this weekend. Still upset from seeing H at Thanksgiving. He really, really needs help with his anger. No one believes me with how angry he gets, because I'm the only one who sees it/has it directed at me. Was hoping that it would show at H 's IC session I attended last week, but later learned H's IC coached him on not showing his temper to make it a "safe and respectful" environment. General consensus is to leave him alone and he will calm down. However, 17 years of pent up anger doesn't just go away all on its own. And when a simple conversation triggers it? It's not like I'm poking the bear on purpose. I'm responding to a text message.
In addition, dropped a nice chunk of change at the vet office on Friday. Youngest dog suddenly had serious aggression issues towards our other dog Thursday and Friday. Vet wanted to know if there had been any changes in the household. Told her H had unexpectedly moved out and he was "the person" for the dog showing aggression. She said dog viewed H as alpha, and he's no longer there, dog is picking up on my weakened emotional role and trying to assert himself as alpha over everything. So, blood work for everyone, and doggie boot camp, restructuring the. Household, etc to try and stop this.
Feel like a failure not only as a wife but as a pet mom.
Sent H a text about the situation. Told him exactly what the vet said. H asked how he could help with the dogs. Took everything I had not to say, "fix your [censored], so we can fix our [censored] and come home."
Funeral on Saturday where I unexpectedly had to speak. Pulled something together quickly and it was well received. H did not go. I spent a fair amount of time at the wake afterwards evading questions about where H was, and hearing how beautiful our wedding was, how great my H is because "he's just so calm and happy all the time." people wanting us to visit them. And people complementing me on my weight loss (stepped on scale at moms house on turkey day, horrified to see I've lost 30 pounds in 11 weeks) - saying, "whatever you're doing keep doing - it's certainly agreeing with you."
I smile, and say "oh just a change in diet and lifestyle."
Ugh.
And I need to detach because I know H is having thanksgiving with his family today. Worried about him safely driving the distance due to the side effects of his meds. Worried that his parents are going to encourage him to file and not work on our R, as they believe a majority of the blame falls on me. He values and craves his parents approval. Wonder if I'll get thrown under the buss (even more than I already have with them) for the sake of him obtaining their approval.
Blah.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
*knock on wood* But it appears the spew seems to have stopped, for now. H hasn’t spewed anything hateful specifically towards me/our relationship in about 3-ish weeks.
He said that the first two months of our stitch, he was “pretty out of control” and that he “said a lot of things that he shouldn’t.” I’ve noticed when I mention what he’s said previously or referenced how I feel about it, he gets upset about it, but more in a regretful way. He’s told me, “I know what I said, I don’t need to be reminded of it” or “I didn’t say that.” Which, unfortunately, he had, and had forgotten in his spew. He has apologized for some of the things that he’s said and he generally apologizes for things that makes me feel bad. However, I don’t see the apologies for things that make me feel bad as an improvement per say, that’s a behavior that he’s always had. A stranger could stub a toe and he would apologize for it.
He is now taking 50% ownership of the marital problems, whereas before it was 100% my problems that drove him away. I’ll take that as progress.
I’ve seen some progress with a 180 over the past few weeks (which I promptly set back this weekend via angry text messaging – hooray!). My 180 has been to not push H to chat, and keep messages short and upbeat. The last week, he had stopped conversing because he was in a bad mood. He has decided to pull back from conversing when in a bad mood or whatnot, because “I’ve already taken enough of my anger out on you, I don’t want to do that anymore.” So anytime I got a message from him saying he didn’t want to chat – I basically said, “I’m sorry to hear that you’re still feeling stressed, I know that must be frustrating. Thanks for letting me know. Have a good night.” I have gotten several thank you messages from H, especially referencing my understanding for not talking and him wanting to assure me that he wasn’t trying to be a d*ck.
So my setback conversation - We had a pretty tense conversation this weekend via text and I got the following messages:
“All I can say is this, you are not a meaningless person, and you’re not a shitty person and I don’t hate you. I’m sorry I’m still where I am. I have a long road ahead of me. But I’m trying to fight to regain some sense of my former self.”
And later:
“I have no idea how to respond. I do care and I do give a [censored]. I apparently just have a hard time expressing it or something. I’m having a hard time articulating myself right now, I’m sorry it comes across as not giving a [censored]. This is all done with a heavy heart. Everything that’s going on this isn’t some [censored] spring break. It’s difficult.”
I’m having a hard time interpreting this. When he left, he completely became a different person. A very angry, hateful, emotionless person. The spew was horrific. I took all of it to heart, which I know I shouldn’t do, but I did. So when I see statements like the ones above, I don’t know what to do with it. I’m still stuck on the, “you ruined my life.” Or the “I will never open my heart to you because of all the pain you caused me.” I saw something in someone else’s thread last night that essentially change your mindframe about the person. To think that the person in your stitch does love you, instead of what is this [censored] doing to me now mindset.
It’s just hard, through all of this to think that my husband might still love me. His actions say otherwise. That this is difficult for him. I think the part about his anger and figuring out who he is, etc so forth is hard for him. But I don’t know if leaving me and possible never coming back is hard for him. He said once that it was harder emotionally to get a divorce then to work on a failing marriage.
In other news:
I’m trying to figure out our communication, especially with our stitch. I’m trying to let H initiate any and all conversations, and for the most part I’m trying to remain up beat, understanding, etc. H has noticed it, as mentioned before, and is appreciative of it. However, I’m having a hard time STFU sometimes and I’ve lashed out a couple of times. I lashed out Friday night. First lash out in about a month or so – which is progress, but still bad BDing.
I have no idea what to do. I feel that I need to be supportive, especially with his IC, his depression, and making sure he’s generally alive. But I don’t know if I should initiate a checking in text every couple of days or so. I feel like I should leave it in H’s hands, but since his new thing is not talking while he’s in anything less than a stellar mood, we may go weeks without speaking. It would be great progress if we could actually have a productive conversation – but that involves…..having a conversation.
Thoughts? Advice?
Last edited by Calibri; 12/01/1405:18 PM.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
Of note, I did send a text message later apologizing for lashing out. That I should be an adult and be able to reign in my emotions and I'm not, and apologized again.
He responded with: "I get it, it's ok, we're both having issues there."
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
Bullet points, cause that's how I'm going to roll.
- I feel like a piece of trash that H has thrown away. Like, "oh this serves me no purpose anymore/I don't like it, into the garbage it goes."
-This has brought out all of my childhood insecurities to the surface. Especially with H's possible (probable) depression. I feel exactly like I did my entire childhood, wondering why I wasn't good enough for my mentally ill father to stick around or to be a part of my life. Or to take his meds to be stable. Mentally ill father didn't want to pay child support, and even went so far as to call me around age 12 - to tell me that I was an ungrateful, spoiled punk who was undeserving of his money and he had found himself a "good woman" who showed him the respect he deserved and he was going to support her children -- because they deserved his money and support more.
So now I'm all insecure, again. Questions running though my head: "Why am I not good enough?" "Why does everyone walk away?" "Why Why Why?"
-I am SO, SO angry at H right now. We were supposed to be settled into the house we were going to buy. I had already made pintrest boards for holiday decorating, and remodeling. That dream is gone. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity for me to get that property back into our family. That's gone. And so is my H, for right now. Possibly forever.
-Another reason I'm angry at my H right now? Had he shared his feelings, once, JUST ONCE, I would've moved mountains to change our relationship. Because I love the hell out of him. I can't change what I don't know. I feel like I failed a test I didn't know I was taking.
-Trying to think about the relationship from H's perspective. I probably wouldn't come home, either.
-Realizing his mindset, he probably isn't talking to me because he doesn't want to. Because he doesn't want to work on the relationship. So, I feel like I'm some obligation. That's a crappy place to be right now.
Fantastic Tuesday ya'll.
I realize my stitch is unique in the sense that there isn't an A/OP/etc, and the depression/anger factoring into it -- I really could use some support/advice. I feel very lost.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
Ok, so I put my big girl panties on and instead of crawling into bed like I wanted to, I went to Crossfit, set a new personal record, slammed some [censored] around and decided a few things.
Goals/GAL/GTFOM 1. take care of myself. I look like death warmed over. Skin looks horrible, I'm dehydrated, my hair is blah. I haven't painted my toe nails in forever. Remedy this.
2. Gain weight. Stat. I've lost 30 pounds, Where I needed to drop like, 5. I use to think this was my goal weight. It's not. While my stomach is nice and flat, I've lost all my curves. I miss my booty. And I can't afford to buy all new clothes.
3. Crossfit - 3x week minimum. I was making amazing progress before BD I've lost all of that strength and progress. I am so pissed and determined to get that back. I'd like to do a competition in 2015. I did my first one in 2014. One month after BD, and two days after H quit MC saying he was done with everything. hardest day of my life, completing that competition. I had a panic attack in the middle of the first workout. I don't want to be defined by that.
4. Start running again (but that's a spring time thing)
5. Try a new recipe each week. I can't survive any longer off of what I'm doing. This will also be a 180.
6. Sort my house out. Clean it. Put things away. I'm so overwhelmed with this and honestly, I haven't been motivated to do it. But I think I will feel better once I'm not strain at the foot high pile of clothes on my dresser. And maybe I will find my black work pants. This is also another 180/ one of H's complaints about me.
7. Start interacting with friends in person. I'm a homebody. I need out of the house.
8. Try to be less of a sarcastic ass. This is a long shot.
9. Read more. Less relationship books (while still important) and add stuff in that I will enjoy. Maybe read the classics since I haven't read much, if any.
10. Watch ALL the period films, sappy/cheesy stuff on Netflix, because H hated it. While he's gone, imma watch what I want.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
This hit me tonight. I'm sharing until I can get into my own journal.
“You think because he doesn't love you that you are worthless. You think that because he doesn't want you anymore that he is right -- that his judgement and opinion of you are correct. If he throws you out, then you are garbage. You think he belongs to you because you want to belong to him. Don't. It's a bad word, 'belong.' Especially when you put it with somebody you love. Love shouldn't be like that. Did you ever see the way the clouds love a mountain? They circle all around it; sometimes you can't even see the mountain for the clouds. But you know what? You go up top and what do you see? His head. The clouds never cover the head. His head pokes through, beacuse the clouds let him; they don't wrap him up. They let him keep his head up high, free, with nothing to hide him or bind him. You can't own a human being. You can't lose what you don't own. Suppose you did own him. Could you really love somebody who was absolutely nobody without you? You really want somebody like that? Somebody who falls apart when you walk out the door? You don't, do you? And neither does he. You're turning over your whole life to him. Your whole life, girl. And if it means so little to you that you can just give it away, hand it to him, then why should it mean any more to him? He can't value you more than you value yourself.” - Toni Morrison
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Could I be any more all over the map emotionally today?
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
