I inadvertently talked to H today. On the phone. And he didn't lose his [censored]. Score one for the LBS.
. Was contemplating going dark for awhile prior to conversation. And then I get: "Please don't stop checking up on me. It's nice and I appreciate it. And your text about glitter and working with a pole seriously made me laugh."
And then I get "I'm going to try and force myself to make an effort to check in with you more and let you know how things are."
...........ok. Really could do without the second part. But now what? You don't want to work on anything but yourself, and not our relationship but you want me to keep checking in on you? This pisses me off. But at the same time, I guess I should consider it progress. Maybe? Whatever.
I feel like I'm being played. Or friend zoned. And I feel like an [censored] for saying that about someone with depression. But that's how I feel. I plan on rereading DR tomorrow, especially depressed spouses part. And regroup.
-----
And for those of you keeping score at home......we are at the end of day four of the Christmas tree standoff. Gotta find humor somewhere.
---- Ss, TLE, Pink - thanks for the check ins - I'm responding tomorrow.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
I'm not sure you're being friend zoned quite as much as you are absolutely being put in the position of being his crutch. He wants to be accountable to someone and he's making that someone YOU but I'm really worried that's going to bite you in the butt later. I can see him saying that you pushed him into certain things, etc., you know? It's not a great scenario given his depression and your habit of control. I don't want him to out you in a place where he could accuse you of trying to strong arm him into anything.
He's putting you in a bad situation. He's clearly codependent and if you continue to be his crutch, you're enabling him.
Be careful of that.
IMO, it is best if your checking on him is VERY limited and done from a place of serious detachment, which given the newness of your sitch, I'm not sure that's possible right now.
Your H sounds like a bit of a manipulator by playing the victim. His parents are covering his living expenses. His work is dealing with his strange hours because of his therapy schedule and you're being sucked in to checking in on him.
Maybe a vet can chime in.
And him checking in on you is him furthering his crutch. He's looking to be cared for but he needs to learn how to do that himself and you have to learn to let him do that.
It's going to be hard for sure but there's power and freedom in that.
The Christmas tree is up. This inanimate object that, for the past FIVE days has mocked me about the situation I'm in - is up. And decorated.
And I'll be damned if the lights didn't burn out on me right as I put the thing up.
The irony is not at all lost on me.
I tried fixing it. I didn't have the patience to try and find which bulb was burned out. I thought about leaving it, half burned out, but that seemed ridiculous. I thought about calling H for help but scoffed at that. I stared at it for awhile and said eff it. I went downstairs, grabbed a strand of regular green lights and wound them around my all white Christmas tree. Keeping it classy.
It's not perfect. And neither am I. But both will do for right now.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
So, from my posts from Ss, TLE, and Pink I’ve got a couple of themes that are swirling around in my head – will probably be a multiple part series.
H leaning on me/needing to pick himself up:
I’m struggling with this (clearly). The past few weeks H has been clear that he “needs to go down this path on his own, wants to be left alone, etc” – which is why I was shocked to hear that he wanted me to keep checking in on him. And I’m still debating on if I will or not. I’m very careful not to suggest anything when I talk to him – aside from small issues with his meds. (I did tell him that the doctor’s office was open the day after thanksgiving and that there was an after hours nurse line that he could call – simply because he doesn’t know these things.) Like Ss pointed out – I don’t want to be accused of strong arming him into anything.
I’ve been reading a lot on the Karpman drama triangle which essentially says within relationships there’s a victim-rescuer-persecutor triangle. I’ve seen myself in both the persecutor and rescuer position. I’ve seen H in the persecutor, victim mode.
Key points of a persecutor:-blame, -critical, mobilized by anger, -rigid authoritative stance or “this is all your fault”
Key points of a victim: feels oppressed, helpless, hopeless, powerless, looks for someone who will perpetuate their negative feelings, blocks self from making decisions, solving problems, or “poor me”
Key points of a Rescuer:-Rescues when really doesn’t want to, Feels guilty if doesn’t rescue, keeps victim dependent, gives permission to fail or “let me help you.”
Oooooh boy are we on that triangle. Big time.
I do believe H is a chronic victim. I’ve noticed that over the years. It’s always been related back to crappy childhood, alcoholic mother, crappy work situation, nagging wife, etc. I feel that I stepped into the role as rescuer because I wanted to be the advocate for H that he didn’t have in his childhood. But it developed from a selfish point. I wanted to be the advocate for H that I didn’t have. I felt that I could prove to H that he didn’t have to pay the role of victim. That he didn’t have to accept his family and their co-dependent dysfunctional BS. That he would thank me for looking out for him. But instead, I got sucked into his/their cycle of dysfunction. And I got dropped on my ass in the process.
I don’t have a lot of sympathy for people who play the role of victims. I'm starting to think that makes me an [censored]. I’ve been through some horrific chit. And I’m not a victim, I made a choice to not be defined by the stuff that happened to me, but instead use it as a tool to navigate through life. But, I became a very hardened individual. I came across this quote today: “All the hardest, coldest people you meet were once as soft as water. And that’s the tragedy of living.” Iain Thomas.
Which will be touched upon on another post – but I’ve got to get over being a hard ass. Which brings me to Pink's point -- how to show vulnerability.
So, currently working to get out of the triangle. Will be a topic in IC. Also received co-dependency no more in the mail today. I have a feeling I’m going to learn I’m more co-dependent than I thought.
Hoooray for DB!
Last edited by Calibri; 12/08/1410:30 PM.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
Know one knows what I've been through in my life. Joe Blow could walk past me and has no clue. He doesn't know what I've gone through, but he does get to see the attitude, middle finger in the air, "I'm not taking your chit" mentality.
I haven't been protecting myself from other people so much as I've been protecting myself. Part of the hardness is a coping mechanism, but it's also a way I thought I could control others from hurting me. But the only person I've been hurting is myself. And the relationships I have.
Fantastic.
Ss? Others? Thoughts?
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
Wow thats a deep post! I definitely hear you on what you're saying about the drama triangle and can definitely see myself in the same persecutor/rescuer role. My question to you is you mentioned you're working to get out of the triangle. What exactly are you doing? Curious to hear what you have to say in later posts about how to show your vulnerable side.
Can't remember but because you were always the tough one in the relationship, I'm assuming you're H was always the soft one, and like you said the victim? Like DB says, relationships are always a see-saw. When one person takes on one role, the other person doesn't have to, and plays the other role. IMHO, because you are always so tough and "don't have a lot of sympathy for victims," you are not letting your H have the opportunity to get out of the role of victim. By constantly showing that you are a hard ass, your H will continue to be soft, which in turn makes you more frustrated and more irritated at why he is the way he is. Please let us know what you come up with as your course of action. I know I've learned a lot just by reading your thread.
BTW, glad to see you put up your tree. I have yet to do that. You're a better person than I am right now. ha
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
I miss my H. Deep, deep within my soul. I miss the way his eye crinkle when he laughs. I miss the way he would dance along to music when cooking, getting ready for work, cleaning, etc. I miss his cooking (god, do I miss his cooking. Bless him - because I do not have the patience that he has). I miss the warmth of his body. I miss watching him gain confidence in himself in Crossfit.
But most of all, I miss talking to him. Not even about serious stuff. About the shenanigans in our lives and with our respective families. We're going on day like 9,000 of decorating for the holidays at work. The level of glitter and fake garland is unthinkable. H would get a kick out of it. I would love to talk to H about it. But I can't. It's also my 1 year anniversary of working at my job today. We probably would've worked out and then gotten take out to celebrate.
Instead, I'm writing here. I suppose I could get takeout after my workout tonight. But it's not the same.
This blows. Hard.
/whiny post.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
*hugs* From someone that feels the same way, I offer you what solace and comfort I can from afar.
I wish there was so magical way we could fix our situations, all of us that have had to resort to this site.
I, myself, find little things to talk to BF about all the time and truly wish that whatever it is we have between us, he felt as strongly about it as I do. God, you're so right about that soul feeling of something NOT RIGHT in your world when the one you love so deeply isn't right there with you.
Hang in there. You're not alone, not by a long shot.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Know one knows what I've been through in my life. Joe Blow could walk past me and has no clue. He doesn't know what I've gone through, but he does get to see the attitude, middle finger in the air, "I'm not taking your chit" mentality.
I haven't been protecting myself from other people so much as I've been protecting myself. Part of the hardness is a coping mechanism, but it's also a way I thought I could control others from hurting me. But the only person I've been hurting is myself. And the relationships I have.
Fantastic.
Ss? Others? Thoughts?
Wow, Calibri, are you my soul sister or what? I think on page two or three of one of my first threads I wrote these same words verbatim. Scary.
The interesting question is, what are we trying to protect ourselves from exactly? And is it working?
MWD says to do what works. Clearly being hard and direct and assertive, or in my case, reactive to the point of verbal brutality, hasn't served us well... At least it hasn't protected us the way we thought it should.
But it's an old habit I find myself slipping back into sometimes. It's comfortable there. Predictable. Controllable.
After a few months I can look back and see I've softened a bit. I used to go years and years without shedding a year. Now I can barely go a day. It's not just my sitch I'm crying over, I'm generally more sensitive to life now, more compassionate, empathetic and I think that may mean my hardened brick walls of emotion are crumbling. I kind of like it.
I've been reading your responses to people on the board, Calibri, and I see that you're doing better than you might think. You sound strong and confident... And you're exploring the world of letting go a bit. That's NOT easy and as someone who is similar in personality, I KNOW it's hard and a process. Give yourself credit.
You're doing it. You're climbing. Just don't look down.
