Tina - I am so sorry to read your update. I think that you have a good plan to start individual counseling and GAL. I dont think that you need to jump and make a decision as to whether to file for D at this time. Since you H continues to come and go, it has probably hindered your progress over the past 1 1/2 years. It really is time to focus on yourself! It seems like your H is searching for something that will magically make him happy. He cant find it with you or without you because he has not figured that true happiness comes from within. So while your H searches for something that does not exist, you need to find your own true happiness, whatever that may look like.
You have time on your side. There is not rush to D or R. Take your time.
Hi Tina, I'm sorry to read that your H is a flip flopper. He's very impulsive but isn't that like all the other WAS? I'm getting off topic...
This must be very difficult for you since it makes you question what part did you take in this. When we're so caught up in the sitch we blame ourselves "why did I take him back so easily?"
Let me start off by stating that his indecisive behavior is not your responsibility but setting boundaries is. Take this opportunity to work on yourself and forget about his emotional baggage that he's carrying. He really needs to work on himself or else he might do this again, and again until you get tired.
Work on rebuilding yourself, your self-esteem. Don't let his disfunctional behavior affect you.
Take care of Tina ;-)
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Thank you for the replies. I've been gone for a while from the boards and have had a lot happen since I last posted. He came back in February 2014 and we did very well, in counseling, both IC and MC. Then once again the filp flopper came out and he left in May, the same time my Mother was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer. She passed away June 19th and he didn't even come to her service. I was so humiliated and felt so disrespected and the disrespect for my Mother is huge. He filed for divorce 8/14 and I got an attorney as well. Then we had started "talking" again about how to work on us and he asked me to attend a marriage boot camp which I reluctantly agreed to. While there the OW would not stop texting. He showed me all the texts and appeared to be giving our M 100%. We attended for 4 days, came back and within two days he was gone back to the OW. We are now sharing our S10, every other week and my son hates going. I had my lawyer put in paperwork no contact with OW, so I don't have a concern there. I honestly don't know what to do at this point. Our D will come slow as we have a lot of assets to split and I've tried to talk to him about splitting them. He refuses. I'm doing the 180 and going dark when I can. Hard because we run a business together and have our S. It's been over 2 years since the A began and this OW seems to have some kind of power of him. I am still in IC, obviously no MC happening right now and he isn't doing IC. Sort of lost, still love him and would love to stay M, but I feel it will always be this way with the back and forth and I will not do that.
Me-49, H-45 M - 4, Together 9 SS-9 Bomb Dropped - 9/12 Separation - 10/12 Reconcile -2/13 Separation - 8/2013 Reconcile - 10/2013 Separation - 12/2013 Reconcile - 2/14 Separate - 5/14 H Filed D - 8/14
I got a lawyer also. We got temporary orders that allows me to stay in the home with our S10. It's eating him alive that this happened since this was his house prior to meeting me.
He is still actively flip flopping and still seeing OW. I found evidence that he bought her an engagement ring. Can't believe that. He denies that. But she got mad at him and left the receipt in his pick up. Just more evidence for my lawyer.
I'm in the self preserve mode. Set boundaries today with him. Told him do not contact me unless work or child related. Am actively working with my lawyer to split our assets. It's time to move on.
Me-49, H-45 M - 4, Together 9 SS-9 Bomb Dropped - 9/12 Separation - 10/12 Reconcile -2/13 Separation - 8/2013 Reconcile - 10/2013 Separation - 12/2013 Reconcile - 2/14 Separate - 5/14 H Filed D - 8/14
Well I did tell him not to contact me unless it was child or business related. That I'm not doing this to punish him, but to protect myself. I told him I was tired of being strung along.
His reply: "Well I didn't mean to string you along as you say I do I do love you and enjoy being around and with you. I miss our time together."
My reply: ::Crickets::
His: "What you doing?, should have went to work with me today if your bored."
Me: ::Crickets::
His: "I am sorry to have hurt you. I am sorry for you having to feel like that. You deserve better than me."
Me: "Have a great day and a wonderful Thanksgiving. Please tell OW to quit texting me."
Pretty much the conversation. The OW texts me constantly, updating me on their whereabouts and what they are doing and how good the sex is, etc. I've blocked many, many numbers that she uses. I'm saving texts right now to gather enough evidence for harassment charges. I don't understand why, I'm the one not doing anything wrong, but get dealt a plate of shiX.
I'm hoping for a good Thanksgiving with friends and family. Trying hard not to think about what he and OW are doing today. It saddens me to think this is another holiday spent like this.
Me-49, H-45 M - 4, Together 9 SS-9 Bomb Dropped - 9/12 Separation - 10/12 Reconcile -2/13 Separation - 8/2013 Reconcile - 10/2013 Separation - 12/2013 Reconcile - 2/14 Separate - 5/14 H Filed D - 8/14
Thursday H: Miss U crazy Friday H: Just let you know someone cut fence at lot. Saturday H: Hope you are having a good day Sunday H: Did a job this morning for $$, u want it?
After a couple hours I responded to last text:
M: The money needs to be put in our business account. H: Why you got to be a bitxx M: Do not call me names. I will not tolerate that behavior.
Hours later:
H: U know I really want to come home and work it out that is why I have tried contacting you these pass few days, no response.
M: When and If OW's gone from your life for good. I may entertain the thought of discussing our relationship at that time. Until then, please do not contact me unless it is business or child related. Thanks for understanding.
H: I do understand and you have every right to be that way. I deserve whatever you do to me. I am sorry.
M: This is not being done to punish you, this is being done to protect me.
Then today I get "I miss everything we did together". Have not responded. Have been quite good at the dark thing. I had failed at that in the past but am finding it easier to hold my boundaries.
My question is this. Do I not respond to anything? Do I open the door just a bit or what should I do. I know it's only been a week since I went dark and that's why I'm asking.
Me-49, H-45 M - 4, Together 9 SS-9 Bomb Dropped - 9/12 Separation - 10/12 Reconcile -2/13 Separation - 8/2013 Reconcile - 10/2013 Separation - 12/2013 Reconcile - 2/14 Separate - 5/14 H Filed D - 8/14
Tina -- Stay the course! You're doing great. And remember, you ARE doing this to protect yourself. It's ridiculous what he's putting you through (and what he has put you through in the past) when I see your timeline. You've already wasted plenty of time listening to and believing his nonsense. You're smart enough not to believe him anymore. Good for you!
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Some people would kill to be in your shoes, to have the ball in their court. You're showing us all how it's DONE, girl! Way to go!
If you told him once that you don't want contact unless it's child related, I'd stick with it. It's your boundary. The only time I'd respond outside of his attempts otherwise are exactly what you did: "If and when OW is out of your life for good, we can discuss....".
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
