I believe other people's expectations of you greatly influence your behaviour.
Therefore it follows that if I expect my W to be honest and faithful, any actions on her part to the contrary will be incongruent with my expectations and my behaviour toward her. Her tendency would be to want to live up to my expectations.
Peter, I kinda get what you're saying, but on the other hand, everybody here expected their S to be faithful, and we all were disappointed.
I think the transparency has to be there. Whether or not you make use of that transparency every 5 minutes or every 5 weeks is where you have the latitude to show your W trust.
twinmom, she's not cake eating. The affair is over. She's moved back home. She's still fighting her demons, dealing with her guilt, I believe. She hasn't mentioned "my bad behaviour" for a month. I think it was a phase she was going through.
She's still suffering from depression which she has been dealing with for the past 5 years, clinical depression - complex PTSD. But things have been better since she moved back home. She's not as anxious and is getting more peace and healing time.
I'm not being a doormat. I'm volitionally choosing to change my way of thinking.
I never accused her of cheating before her affair.
Setting myself up for heartbreak? Oh, come on. Been there, done that. My heart's been broken for a year. What I'm trying to do is fix it. And being suspicious and untrusting has only caused me unnecessary grief and hardship. My imagination goes wild and raises my blood pressure; I lose sleep; I'm all screwed up. And then when she get's home she tells me all these innocuous things about her shopping trip and her girlfriends. So I'm getting all wound up over nothing. She was never a good liar and I got to know when she was with the OM. Every time should would have an anxiety attack right after. She hasn't had one of those since May, so I truly believe the A is over.
I'm just still dealing with the ghosts. That's what I'm trying to exorcise with this change of thinking.
As for the porn, I can do without it. Just was a bad habit. I'd rather prepare myself for the coming reconciliation and the great sex that will bring. I need to respect her feelings about porn, which in the past I didn't validate. I've read the posts from various women on this forum and I can see what they're talking about (Goatgirl, sandi, etc.)
My W is not asking me to do this. This is my own idea.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
Peter I don't think cake eating has to include another man. To me cake eating is when she has the best of both worlds. Basically she has the best of you without making a firm commitment to the marriage and being transparent along with doing whatever it takes to meet YOUR needs.
You're still in db mode where she is living at home but with no commitment.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Zew, I see what you're saying, but I think by me changing my thought patterns regarding trust/suspicion the vibes I give off will have a tendency to help her be more transparent.
If I insist that she be transparent before I trust her, that's a very controlling stance. Like they say, fake it 'til you make it.
It's more my own imagination that I'm trying to counteract. My W is just trying to regain her sense of self. Every day our interactions are becoming better. We're laughing a lot together. She calls me regularly just to talk or tell me something funny. I don't start any R talks. I'm not giving any pressure. I'm speaking her LLs.
One of her LLs is words of affirmation. When she came into the kitchen today I looked at her and said, "I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world and I just love you." It just sort of came out, really easy and she said thanks and smiled. I haven't said the ILY very much recently and this just came out naturally and with no pressure or looking for an ILY back. She took it in and felt good about it.
We're talking about spending Christmas day together cooking, which is something we both enjoy. No family or friends - just the two of us. Her suggestion, not mine. I said I was game.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
