If only he lived on the East Coast of America. I could teach the man to dance!
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
There actually is an app for going round in deranged circles. A kind of dance, modern jive called Ceroc. It's dancing for those who can't dance, and it's great fun. All ages, in the evenings, with rotating partners, the evening starts with a beginners class, beginners go separately for a practice class with other beginners. You absolutely can go alone, the majority do. In London there are also intro days. It's terrific GAL.
Recommend you try it. It's anonymous so no one will know! Vanilla
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
As per GoatGals instruction, to follow up my ‘100 things that make me me’ I came up with a list of things I’d like to change. This is better than my previous list of things I don’t like as its slightly more positive in tone
Things I’d like to change about myself (that can be changed) 1) Stop needing external validation and reassurance 2) Stop making everything about me 3) More socially outgoing 4) Buff up (tone rather than bulk) 5) I wont negatively compare myself to others 6) More self confident 7) More assertive 8) Just get on with tasks rather than procrastinate 9) More financial freedom 10) More financial security (a buffer/safety net) 11) Get some grown up conflict skills and stop the avoidant behaviour 12) Id never sulk 13) be better at managing my frustration 14) Understand social rules better 15) Recognise when I’ve gone too far in making my point or with my jokes 16) Realise I’m going too far and stop before it gets there 17) Recognise and respond appropriately to emotions in others 18) Connect and engage with emotions better in a more positive way 19) Become more emotionally persuasive (less reliant on reason and logic) 20) Better listener (learn to be a reflective listener?) 21) More consensual decision making 22) More charming 23) More suave 24) More conscientious 25) More compassionate 26) More mindful 27) Have better understanding and control of my defence mechanism 28) Respond better when other people are upset 29) To be able to focus better without needing to be stressed 30) Stronger, more confident and relaxed body language 31) Be ok with my strengths 32) I’d believe I have something to offer and might be first choice. 33) Be able to dance (have some rhythm) 34) Lost my fear of rejection 35) Confident that people will love me (and not insecure about it)
I often think that I’d like to be more of the traditionally attractive macho tall dark and handsome type (OM2 is this by the way) – but I am so far off that its ridiculous and wouldn’t be possible. This is a big problem with my negative comparisons, i will always compare on the things I don’t compare well on.
I wonder (out loud now) whether the reason i think this is that it gives me an excuse – I could never be that so I can put myself down and feel sorry for my self and be upset about how unfair it is rather than making the most of what i do have and being confident with it. You can't fail if the failure is outside of your control
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Great job on the list and on re-framing things in a positive manner.
Let me make a suggestion; try and rewrite some of them to focus on the positive ACTION, instead of avoiding doing the negative.
For example:
* "I'd never sulk" ==> "I will conduct myself in a positive manner, even when I am upset."
* "Stop needing external validation" ==> "Look inside myself for the validation and good feelings I seek".
* "Stop making everything about me" ==> "I will not take things personally since they're really not about me."
I could do the rest but I'd like you to do it.
So take out "Stop" and add in "Do, will... etc." -----------------------------------------------------------
I know this seems like a lot of work to go through, but think of it as really focusing on YOURSELF. You can't really think too much about your sitch while you're doing things like this. It's a positive distraction. --------------------------------------------------------------
That said, from your list I see a LOT of Asperger-y things. Numbers 3, 8, 13-20, and 29--have my bells going "Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!" They also fit with ADHD.
Now, I'm no doctor, but I often play one on DBing forums...
Those exact items would have been on my list years ago. But I am living proof that you can identify and work on these things. They would not even make my list today. (Okay, maybe just a little, like the one about reason and logic. But I don't think that's a bad thing, unless I get frustrated with others for refusing to use it! Arrrrggghhhhh! Drives me NUTS!)
However, most of us need help in making these changes because it's hard to know "how" to accomplish them.
For example--it's easy to say "Detach" but HOW can one do the ACTION of detaching? That's the hard part.
You can't just say "relax" and expect someone to relax. Instead maybe you have to lie down, tense your whole body, then think about relaxing just your toes, picture limp noodles in your arms... get the picture?
It's the PROCESS that we need to figure out and implement. What are the steps to be taken? How, when, where, and with whom will you take these steps? It needs to be broken down. Very LOGICALLY and in LISTED STEPS. (You oughta like that! ) ---------------------------------------------------------------
I'm sure you will be following up on this list and the Asperger/Spectrum Diagnosis with your IC.
My hat is off to you!
It's a huge step, and it can be an adjustment. If you do get that diagnosis, there will be some grieving and anger as you understand how this may have impacted your life, But I know you will embrace the information, positive and negative, and embrace changes you need to make.
KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. Probably the last thing you think you need right now is a diagnosis like that, but think of it this way. You certainly will have a lot on your plate to keep you busy working on BEING A BETTER YOU.
PS: I really wish I was in Merry Olde England for Christmas!
I think we DBers could have one heck of a party! Ggrass could wear her eye-catching outfits and colored hair, and we could get you Ciroc dancing! (Sounds a bit like the swing dancing we do here...I'll have to check it out!) Ssonas is in Ireland--perhaps she could leave her bleak country cottage and her farm animals and join us.
If I could figure out the how then life would be so much easier and I'd be much happier.
I'll give rewriting that list a go but there are a few I don't know where to start like 5 for example. I've managed to convince myself that OM2 is perfect and that on no level could o possibly be the better choice (only a fool would pick me). I know logically this is nonsense but logically my W wouldn't choose to leave.
So a couple of these have some substantial work required on my part. 2,3,5,6,8,11, 13, 16-20 and 34 are the ones that if I can fix will make the most positive difference. I mean looking at them if I dealt with that stuff and made them strengths then I would be a very different person. Add some of the others (23 for example) and there's some real promise.
I'll try and map it out in a fancy diagram (that probably only makes sense to me.)
I'd like that - I need a dance instructor.
Christmas here in England is always good though the weather might be a bit of a shock for GGrass. A warm mince pie with clotted cream will sort that though. They do ceroc dancing on a Thursday near me and have a black tie Christmas ball coming up - I can make a tux look good.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
If this fails, it's a YouTube video of the New Year's Eve Jam at Lindy Focus in Asheville, NC.
This is where and what my New Year's Eve may be looking like this year!
(And no, I'm not in this video, but I sure could be. Might be this year! The first guy up is a friend of mine and a favorite dance partner. I knew him back when he was an awkward college student--look at him now!)
Yes, it will take time to work through the list.
For me, it's a combination whiteboard, blackboard, notepad, colored markers, and my all-time favorite, GRAPH PAPER.
(I should have put that on my list of 100 things that make me unique. I can occupy myself for hours with a few sheets of graph paper. Or any paper you can write on. Just don't ask me to wrap gifts. I stink at doing anything with paper other than drawing/writing on it.)
Isn't that overly ambitious? How can you keep track and have enough energy to do it all? How can you measure success on so many metrics?
It seems to me like you're only playing to your lack of confidence by making a very long list. I'm no expert, but my instinct would be to focus on 2-3 important things. Here's my list.
1. Ask clearly what I want. 2. Validate rather than criticize. 3. Let go of control.
They cover the major things that lead to my S, which are also my main personality flaws. I can keep that list in my head and be inspired by it during real interactions. It doesn't cover everything I need to improve, but it would be a major step forward.
Another thing you need is to accept who you are. You can't dance, so be it. Your kids think it's fun. It's not important, not something to change. You're you. Stuff like "Be more self-confident" is not something you will into existence, it's something that happens when you accept who you are.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Goatgal Im impressed. How do their knees not dislocate? and i say that as someone who recently took up kickboxing. Definitely reminds me to start thinking about new years eve plans which if not a tux should at least involve a suit.
you should see my office - my whiteboards are covered in lists and diagrams, and multicoloured post it notes.
Mozza, your partially right - I can often use planning and list making as a form of procrastination, like a pretense at progress. Having said that I'm also a big picture person so I like to see the whole elephant then work out which bit to take on first. Find the quick wins or the biggest returns.
Having said that I need to make a prioritised list of meaningful dos and then concentrate on those.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
