That last phrase I wrote, "I somethimes forget I don't have to do it alone" made me think and here it goes. I have always felt alone. When I was growing up I was the first born and my parents took in foster children so there was always someone needier than me. We were not encouraged to share our feelings. I remember once, after an Aunt hung herself, telling my Mom I thought I was going to cry. She told me to go to my room. That's where I went when I had a problem. I'd lie on my bed and deal with it alone. I was also bullied as a kid. The kids on the street would turn on me for no reason. I can remember getting that "I'm one of the guys" feeling and then someone would turn around and kick the crap out of me... just because and then my Mom would send me to my room for swearing. Once we were playing at the end of the street around a creek and someone decided to shove me over an embankment. I have a huge scar on my leg 46 years later from the stitches it took to close the wound. I remember going to a birthday party and giving the kid his gift and his words were "thanks for the gift but this party is for my friends only so go home" I was even physically assaulted by our school Principal. Wow. I always wanted to be a policeman so that I could protect people who couldn't protect themselves. My first job was as a Military Policeman...but I shared feelings with no one. We drank when we had a problem. Finally after dealing with anxiety attacks with booze I left the army. I went to a treatment facility where I had therapy, individual and group. The therapist I saw said it was a year before I shared anything of any value! I'm better at it now but my first instinct to is to trust no one and expect nothing. I trusted my ex with all my heart and got my heart ripped out. I find it easier now to take care of others 'cuz I feel more in control of the sitch and don't have to depend on them for anything (see my last relationship) At church Church Lady and Agnes want me to get baptized but I've now realized why I don't. Baptism means commitment and trusting God...and if I do that and He lets me down then what do I have left? Church Lady has picked out two songs for me to choose from. One is All of Me and the other is Just As I Am. I'm far more comfortable with the second. So that's my sob story lol. Although I'm much better I still automatically turn to looking after myself and holding all the anxiety and fear inside. The little boy says " no one will hurt me again". There's a poem that really touches me by Antwone Fisher (yes, that's also a movie title about his life) called Who Will Cry For The Little Boy...I did when I read it. Anyway, back to our regularly scheduled programming!
Btw, it was an outpatient addiction program I took part in. I was never hospitalized not that it matters...I guess. I became the Golden Boy of the Donwood Institute because I was one of the youngest in the program who actually kicked booze for good. At my age at the time the failure rate was pretty much 100 %. It's been well over thirty years now...I've lost track, and I haven't touched a drop. During the separation and divorce I made sure I never touched it...no way was I taking a chance of losing my children and if I drank bad things would happen. Anyway, I'm done...thanks for reading.
I am so sorry that you had those kind of experiences growing up. The fact that you are where you are now shows what an incredibly strong and resilient person you are!! Being bullied and ridiculed by peers is the worse. To a small extent I experienced it growing up and I know as a parent I have always been concerned that one of my kids would experience it too - luckily, as far as I know at least, they have escaped relatively unscathed by it. I think the fact that the schools are much more involved in making sure it doesn't happen has benefited them.
Congratulations on more than 30 years of sobriety - especially staying away from the stuff during the really dark valleys in your life! Having been burned in two marriages, I know how hard it is to trust in people, however realize that not all people are out there to disappoint you. There are many, many good folks in the world - like you! - who can be trusted and at least for me it's nice to be able to let go and give that trust to someone. It makes you feel less alone in life I think.
Thanks BA. As I grew up my Dad became an really good friend. I could go to him and know he'd listen. In my youth he was in the midst of depression and not particularly available. He had his demons to fight too. I also have an incredible friend who I can turn to for anything. We met in social work school and have been friends for over 30 years. I still have a therapist who I see periodically who I've known for 25 years. I have supports out there but I have to fight that urge to hold it all in and take care of it myself. My faith has been a real rock for me but I still hold onto that fear that if I give it all to God...He might not be there. Anyway, I just went to the park and got some great litter shots lol. I had a nice talk with a Chinese lady there who was feeding the ducks. She had a farm back in China where they raised ducks so she knows what to feed them. Most people feed them bread and fries and fritos lol...not good. Gotta go edit my shots now (got a couple of awesome squirrel shots and a lady eating a banana too)
Thank you so much for sharing Wii. That is very deep and very telling. Childhood trauma is what shapes a lot of people. Finding ways to move around that trauma is difficult but not impossible.
I'll share back with you if that is ok. Just a short note on faith. I was raised Southern Baptist and still attend a Southern Baptist (although a progressive one) church. The belief system I was brought up in was strict without a lot of gray area. The D brought me into my faith stronger than I had been in a long time but my own guilty feelings of disobedience (ie - living in sin basically) has pulled me away from it again. That makes life very dark. I know God will forgive me but I can't forgive myself so I stay away from the nurturing spirit of my church family out of fear of being rejected or looked down on for how I'm choosing to live my life currently. I then turn that fear into an irrational decision that God is punishing me (and by association Marc..I know..don't go there) because of my poor choices.
So....I wonder....is it fear of God somehow rejecting you or fear of what others in the faith might do to hurt you after you take that final leap into baptism? Is than final 'formal' hurdle into 'joining' what is truly stopping you. God can be trusted 100%, people can not always be relied upon and you already know that.
Oh....and 'Just as I am' is absolutely one of my very favorite hymns!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Thanks Mish. In the Adventist church baptism is your ticket into membership. Am I afraid of the people there? Nope. The Adventist church has a rep for being legalistic and conservative but the time I've been there and other Adventist churches, I haven't experienced it. I hear good and loving messages there. So for me, it's the fear that God will let me down and if He does...what's left? I have to recognize that God also does not expect me to be the perfect Christian...perfection is another bugaboo of mine! I feel guilty when I don't tithe perfectly or study my Sabbath school lessons or pray daily...but that's me, not God. Anyway, church and the people in it have been a blessing to me. I wish I could say the same would be true for you...but I'm not you. I'm going with Just As I Am 'cuz that's all I got...when and if I take the plunge (plunge...get it lol)
Btw, our Pastor was saying last week that 90% of people leave churches due to other people not lack of faith!
Boy, isn't that the truth?
I'm so glad that you haven't found any of the judgment prevalent in so many churches in your Adventist church. Of course, that doesn't mean it doesn't exist...people are people after all.
I know that my feelings are strictly that...my feelings. Not based in reality but in my perception of myself. I'm totally rational about that but can't seem to reconcile myself to it. LOL Gee, shocker huh?
It's good that you know where your fears are coming from. Now, how to find the solution to conquer them?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
