Jim0987 #6 - starting a bit of a rebuild

[jim0987]

Ok so I've rewritten that second list in the more positive. Shorterned startegy/priorities/actions to get there to follow

1) My self worth will come from within

2) I will relate what is being said/happening to the circumstances rather than my value as a person

3) I will be socially outgoing

4) I will improve and maintain a toned and healthy appearance

5) I will focus on improving myself to be the best I can

6) I will be self-assured and confident

7) I will be assertive in my requests and my boundaries

8) I will get on with tasks when they arise

9) I will try to improve my financial situation to give more freedom

10) I will manage my finances to give more financial security

11) I will address issues and concerns in a proactive, constructive and mature way

12) I will conduct myself in a positive manner, especially if i’m upset

13) I will manage my frustration and not allow it to develop into either resentment or other negative behaviours

14) I will understand and be able to apply normal social rules

15) I will recognise if I’ve gone too far in making my point or if my jokes have caused upset and make amends accordingly

16) I will recognise if I’m am risking going too far and adjust my behaviour accordingly

17) I will recognise and respond appropriately to emotions in others

18) I will connect and engage positively with other peoples emotions

19) I will become more emotionally persuasive (less reliant on reason and logic)

20) I will be a better more reflective listener

21) I will be more consensual in my decision making to ensure there is agreement rather than appeasement

22) In social conversation I will be open, attentive, interested and interesting

23) I will look for points of agreement rather than points of contention, similarities rather than differences

24) I will be conscientious

25) I will be compassionate

26) I will be mindful of my emotions and how they affect my behaviour

27) I will understand my triggers and control my defence mechanisms

28) when other people are upset I will respond in a way they find caring and supportive

29) I will better control my ability to focus irrespective of my stress levels

30) I will have and project stronger, more confident and relaxed body language

31) I will accept, value and take pride in my strengths

32) I will believe I have something to offer as a friend and as a husband.

33) Be able to dance (have some rhythm)

34) I will not let a fear of rejection affect my decisions and behaviour

35) I will be confident that people will love me (and not insecure about it)

[Ggrass]

I know most of you think where I live It doesn't get, that could not be further from the truth.

I hate snow, be use at times we live thru the bloody white stuff. We get minus temps in winter for weeks straight. In fact h complaint about mediation was it snowed and was miserable.

[jim0987]

I thought it was all searing heat, deserts and kangaroos

[Ggrass]

Maybe google. I'm so glad it's summer gives me a chance to show off some weight loss.

Jeans. coats and warm jumpers don't show off much. Well not at first 20kg doesn't hide tho in the long run.
Far too many roos tho, crazed self destructive things that often are know to conduct their Muslim sucide mission on the bonnet of your car at night.

[Vanilla]

Jim

I love your list. For the record I have a mild form of ADD, as a child I lived in my own dream world, so much so that I was tested for deafness. It's called hyper focus these days, and gives me the enormous ability to concentrate and learn but it can make me distant and introspective. I see my ADD as a positive and I have moved down the spectrum as I have become older and tackled it.

It is probably appropriate to list the full list of spectrum of changes that you want to make and put them in order of ease of achievement. Hardest at the top and easiest and those part achieved and most fun near the bottom. Pick some items from the bottom of the list as well as a biggie from the top to tackle first. Break each down to action steps and revise revise revise. When achieved cross goals off. I always add new ones and excel can reorder these with formulas. I never remove achieved items just move them to a list of achieved as I may want to review and put them back, it also makes them easier to see my achievement.

If you know excel well and I guess you may do, you can use the tree to expend your list. I have a goal app on my iPad together with a mind mapping app too which helps me identify my next steps. One of my new goals is to attend the essential experience workshop so I have a savings goal for that, plus a preparation goal, plus I will add a holiday and travel to it etc.....
I will try and add a small easy achievable step first. Such as obtaining the dates and then knowing cost etc. I can hide rows on excel and also put hyperlinks in. I did try with one note but it was too distracting I prefer my ordered lists. I can tell from your posts that's your preference. As much detail as possible too. Nerd, you betcha, super nerd territory even. I switch from my iPad to my windows laptop using a programme called neem. This means I can carry my goals with me but do the work on my laptop.

One of my current transitory goals ( I hope) is my teeth which is almost at the top of my list. This includes a stopping this happening again section.

Dancing is a good idea as it is an activity which links right and left brain, plus it's fun and healthy. It will also help refocus, for guys the learning leading in the dance is helpful too.

http://www.ceroclondon.com

I have graduated to blues dancing too.
Have fun, goals need to be fun
Vanilla

[jim0987]

so this weekend is my W's turn to have the kids. she took them to her mums and then to see santa - im disappointed to have missed this. I think (but dont know) that she spent Thursday night with OM2

they got back late friday (I made sure i was out when they got home) so that we could all go to D3s nativity play on saturday morning.

we all went to the play and had been any warmth between my W and I this would have been a really nice family trip out. I really noticed how stressed my W seems, get cross about the fact i put coats on 2 mintues early or that i was close (But perfectly safe) to the road when i picked D3 up so i could carry her. we were friendly all afternoon, I played a lot with the kids and it was the nicest my W has been for a long time.

I was meant to go out just after lunch but my mate postponed so i didnt go out to 1600 ish. As i was leaving my W made a comment about 'new shoes?' - they arent but its there first time in ages she has made any kind of comment about my appearance. I dont think she knows where i was going. Anyway I had a really nice meal with him and his wife and crashed at their place.

Got back early this morning for the kids swimming lessons (takes 2 adults to make the logistics work). I was happy and positive and my W was ok. after lunch we put the christmas tree up - this should have been nice but it actually wasnt much fun because my W was miserable about something (i can only guess) and i felt a bit false with the pretense of happy families. D3 really enjoyed it though.

while i was doing this there were a couple of references to the upcoming move and I also found a photo from our holiday in july of my W and I looking happy together (she has since told me that she was done long before this was taken). I definitely think she noticed me looking forlornly at it.

Ive kept myself busy doing little tasks but had to stop while S1 had a nap and D3 watched a film. W wanted to cuddle D3 but D3 wasnt interested after the film finished D3 and W had a falling out so D3 came and cuddled up with me. we played a game really nicely for a bit. During this time my W came and told me off (tone was condescending)

W: Why did you put D3s swimming costume in the tumble dryer
M: I didnt realise its not supposed to go in there
W: Of course its not. unless you want it to shrink to nothing
M: Sorry, I made a mistake
W: Well why did you think it should go in there
M: it was a mistake, I didnt realise
W: well now I've had to sort it out
M: thank you

In the past this is exactly the kind of exchange where I would have made some sarcastic remark which she would have taken as a massive personal insult. She also says i have a sneery look. I dont think i did but i cant be certain as i never noticed doing it in the past.

I went back to the game with D3. A couple of minutes later my wife told me that it was her weekend and I 'was being really unfair.' and then she asked D3 to come and do some colouring with her. I encouraged D3 to go and I excused myself and came upstairs in order to keep out of the way (where i am now) they are happily playing downstairs.

So plus points in all of this are that:
- I've mostly just got on with things
- I've done small tasks which my W has asked me to do regarding her moving out
- Ive done a really good job with the kids
- I've expressed gratitude for all kinds of little things (maybe a touch too far)
- I wasnt sarcastic or reactionary when she was telling me off. I made a mistake and acknowledge this

A few other comments between W and I, have also shown that we actually want basically the same things out of life and enjoy the same things. The problem is she doesnt trust me, feel safe around me and isnt attracted to me - all fairly substantial barriers

[Vanilla]

Great interaction on the swimming costume. There is no golden rules on swimming costumes except heat makes then flimsy and looses elasticity, makes them bigger not shrink. Now there's an idea.......

Actually I think it wasn't a telling off, it was a spew which you contained, so there was no flooding rant. I get a lot of that and I believe you handled it spot on. You closed it down tight, which is frustrating for W.

However Jim, mind reading again! W wants to look at everything negatively to justify what she does, but it's fake and she knows it. Only W knows how she feels about you, only W knows if she trusts you, feels safe and is attracted to you at this time, for this fleeting second. Next week all could be different again.

Hold back on the gratitude a bit 80% rule applies.
Sunshine
Vanilla

[jim0987]

She's definitely in a negative mood whatever the reason. I went tidy up and got another snipy comment about it being 'my day' the implication is clear that I should have gone out this afternoon and left her to it.

[edz]

Hi Jim

I know I'm the poster boy for being caught up on W's every interaction but I can honestly say that my W is blowing hot and arctic cold and switching by the second. Yesterday she was warm and friendly and happy on the phone at 3 and then distanced not to mention arctic cold when I took S back at 7, what changed in the meantime? Damned if I know..

I absolutely know I need to get a grip on the way I react for my own future, I also know how absolutely painful it is to do that, I'm ok - more than that - this evening but Im having a nice evening of TV (Arrow Season 1 boxset) and a very nice bottle of shiraz that seems to have been emptied by persons unknown....hmm...must have been the cat!

Hang on in there man.

Ed

[jim0987]

Everyone is now tucked up in bed (W included - she went to bed about 1900, with her phone of course). Ive finished all my chores (ironing etc.) and got bored of the telly as i just dont enjoy it as much when im on my own.

I've been mulling over the weekend and trying to figure out what I should potentially be doing differently, what works and what doesnt.

As the weekend moved on my W got more and more negative and tense. I think this is one of the reasons the rules say to leave first, but to do so misses time with my kids. I guess i need to think long game - missing some days now means i hopefully miss less in the future by saving my M. So go out when its not my turn with the kids and miss that window

I definitely need to STFU better than i do. not so much about the relationship but about stuff in general. I talk quite a bit and find silence uncomfortable. if its quiet i will find a distraction which includes checking here. Anyway i keep saying stuff about my future or things i like, all positive but on a couple of things my W said how she also likes it and then i must have made mention of it another 5 or 6 times over the following 36hrs. Its not deliberate it just ends up present in my thoughts.

equally asking if she is ok when she is clearly hacked off just seems to annoy her so stop asking. I know that she felt in the R I didnt care about her wellbeing and somehow this should be 180'd but right now she doesnt want me to ask.

being helpful sometimes seems to be well recieved but at other times seems to irritate. not sure i;ve worked out the whys and wherefores but i'm planning on sticking with being helpful as being more considerate is something for me to do in general. Helpful and domesticated is not doormat in my book though i'm sure some might disagree

I'm not happy with the christmas tree - W was getting fed up and so we didnt do it how i like it in order to speed things up. I put into the category of trying not to care if it doesnt really matter (which it doesnt) but it felt like appeasement by me. I just need to let this sort of stuff go. The whole thing was slightly upsetting for me as we have always bought baubles for the christmas tree to symbolise our lives together and so having all these out when our M is over was false and painful

Overall im being nice and relatively friendly, W occassionally reciprocates but for the most part seems to resent being around me. I cant really take a harder line without calling her out on OM2 and besides she is moving out soon (and financially crippling us both in the process). not sure on this one at all.

I think im doing much better at not reacting defensively - the interaction itself is not great and she will certainly be able to twist it to whatever she wants BUT the sarcastic, hurtful remarks arent there (I still dont believe they were that bad) and if i acknowledge and validate her complaints then this is better.

Cant do anything on connecting emotionally at the moment as she doesnt want to engage in this way and to push it is to pursue. the exception is to talk about the kids as a proud father - which i am and this is something ive always done and always will do.

I'm vocalising my thanks a lot more for small things around the house and being clearer in reflecting positively on the good things my W does for the kids. I was always poor at this. difficult to know if it works or helps or just comes accross as false pursuing but expressing my positive thoughts is something i want to do more of regardless. just need to balance with not seem nauseous, fake or weak

more and more i'm just trying to be the better version of me that i've identified i want to be and not adjust what i do to fit with her and her reactions. and the more specific im getting about the what and how of what i want to change about me the more confident i feel i can really make it stick. I also know i want this for my kids - they deserve the best male role model i can possibly give them. I have parented my kids from the stance of not being my dad I would much rather they took the view that being just like their dad is exactly the right thing to do.

despite all of that (and loads more) this feels incredibly lonely and i still torment myself with the whys and what ifs of my past behaviour. I'm still also clinging on to the hope that she will change her mind before she moves out as that move has such a sense of permenancy to it.

tomorrow I have a GP appt to start looking into the Aspergers possibility more seriously, and then I have an IC session where i'm planning on trying to talk about some of the emotional techniques i want to learn and exploring why I have such a strong dislike of feeling on my own (the driver for not liking it to be quiet). followed up with my actual job, haircut and kickboxing. If nothing else i feel like the working on me is progressing.

now just to work out where i can fit in some dance lessons