Infidelity and Loss

[theoden]

Drmberk,

I'm sorry you are here and I'm sorry for your loss. This is absolutely horrible.

Your husband has declared war on you and is treating you like crap.

1. Stop begging, pleading and asking him for things or time together. It's desperate and unattractive.

2. Practice the Last Resort Technique NOW.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/blog/how-to-prevent-a-divorce-the-last-resort-technique/

This technique will help you get some distance and regain your self-respect. It will also show your husband that you are capable of moving on and that he can't treat you like dirt without some consequence. He needs to realize what losing you will feel like.

3. If you are able, go back to work. Start living your own life on your own terms. This will make you strong and more independent. You can't lean on and expect your cheating husband or his family to be there for you. If you get a divorce, you will probably still have a friendship with your stepson and his children. Prepare your exit strategy from the marriage so that YOU end up OK. These preparations will make you less afraid and desperate and may re-attract your husband. People are attracted to strength and resolve.

4. See a divorce attorney right away. You do not need to file, but you need to get information and peace of mind. Know your rights. Ask your lawyer what you should document, etc.

5. Get angry. Even for just moment. This may provide you the strength to act in you own best interests. You do not deserve to be treated this way. You lose your son, you experience immense grief, and HE responds by screwing someone else? Really?

6. Your fear of losing your grandchildren is not necessarily valid. You may maintain a great relationship with them regardless of what happens.

7. People will treat you badly if you allow them to. Start thinking through some healthy boundaries. For example: he can't talk to her on the phone in front of you, he sleeps on the couch/guest room if he's at home, if he decides to come home after a certain time you will lock the doors, take half the money in your joint bank accounts and set up your own account, perhaps he should move out. Y

ou can't really "nice" your husband back into your marriage. You need to show some resolve, be less available, lay down healthy boundaries. Some people would say you need to always look happy and be attractive, etc. That works sometimes, but often looks a little desperate. If you genuinely want to go out and have fun and live an interesting life, your husband will notice, but don't do it just as a tool to get his attention.

At some point you may want to lay down an ultimatum to your husband: it's her or you. If he picks her, then you file for divorce. (This the last and final stage of your strategy if nothing else works.)

Best of luck.

Theoden

[HeavyD]

I am so sorry for your losses. I hope you have therapist and perhaps a psychiatrist to help you during your season of loss. Some medication may be in order to help you rise above your understandable feelings of sadness and depression.

It is an awful feeling to realize how isolated we are when our spouses leave us. I am in the same situation only with two little children. I shave to force myself out of bed each day, find something anything to do to stay out of bed and cry.

I have vowed to redouble my efforts at work when I return. I have been every unfocused lately and that has to stop. It will do good to focus on something other than my situation.

Can you focus on something? Church activities, school volunteering, hospital volunteering? Do you work outside of the home? Try to find something to keep you mind from going to dark places.

We will get past this - I will hold your hand if you hold mine.

Naj

[Drmberk]

After the loss of an only son -- one is not ready to return to work. Since I am a pscychologist -- I will never be able to return to my work.
but thank you for your response

[twinmom]

I suggest you find a volunteer job and throw yourself into it 110%. You need something besides the loss of your son and the loss of your husband to focus on.

[Sotto]

I would second that suggestion. I started volunteering in our local charity bookstore this summer - just doing a morning a week. It has done me a lot of good, and I now do a couple of shifts a week. It's a good way to meet people - both customers - and volunteers, without the pressure of paid work.

[Cadet]

I have lost my only son and my only sister three years ago. I am completely alone-- no other family. And friends, rather than gather around you, stay away with this much tragedy.

We are still living together but he started an affair so he goes there much of the time. We were making plans and enjoying doing some things together. Now he has nixed plans and. is rarely here, how can I do a 180 under these conditions. When we saw each other more,it was very pleasant. But I had the ability to use some skills I am learning since he was in contact. He never calls. I only get short texts.

I have my own life. I write Children's books and I am begining to have some success. The book is out and I am getting excellent turn downs. Editors saying they regret they cannot take my book because they already have a 3 book dealing with middle grade books with animals. I am writing the second book -- trying to. It is laborious. I am looking for a writing group. But, that is not a family.

From thread in newcomers

[twinmom]

Is this person real?

[BFloat]

I am so very sorry for you loss. The death of a child is undeniably painful and too often it can push couples apart.

I don't necessarily agree that your husband has declared war on you. I'm not sure of the back story and how your marriage was prior to this tragedy...

I'm reading that you feel that your husband is being spiteful because he threw away a chair that your son sat on... The day after my gf lost her daughter, she packed up everything and either threw it in the trash or gave it away. She only kept a handful of things. And I will tell you, I only saw her cry once. This was not a person who didn't love her daughter. But the reminder and seeing everything I think was too painful.

I can only imagine how difficult the prospect of going back to work might seem. And you say that being a psychologist you can not go back. But that is not always the case. People have had tragedies and have turned around and used their experiences to help others. Now, I'm not saying that you should be back at work because you have indicated you aren't ready. My question becomes,, when will you be ready?

I'm glad you're going to grief counselling and seeing the individual counsellors. It would probably be beneficial for your H to go as well but, it is not something you can force him to do.. Just like his thinking that you should be back at work.

My concern is that you say H doesn't come home and you shouldn't be left alone because you can be suicidal. If you recognize this in yourself, then you need to seek further support for intervention. ASAP.

What I see is that you are in an extended state of mourning. You are not functioning because you are unable to work and have isolated yourself. You seeing your SS and grandkids should not be dependent on H. I feel the dynamics you have set up is of being the victim and H must save you. As well, there is a small hint that you feel H should have helped your S but didn't.

I am not trying to make you the villain. Absolutely not. My heart breaks for you and I am so very saddened even imagining how you must feel. But I say this with as much love as I can give you here... To tell you that you need to pick yourself up.. Find your way out of that hole.. And save yourself. You can not wait for H to do it, because he seems to also be grieving (denial) that seeing you may make his coping even worse.

Friends sometimes stay away because they simply don't know what to say. Maybe take the first step and just ask one out for coffee.. Or maybe a movie where you don't even need to talk.

Take care of yourself.

[Sotto]

Just another thought from me. Does your local church or other organisation have any sort of grief support group? It could be a way of meeting others and sharing in a supportive environment. It also gets you away from the house and provides a little structure.

We lost my brother to suicide over 20 years ago, and my parents found some solace in an organisation for parents who had lost children...I can't recall what they were called, and I think they were UK based anyway - but they used to have a yearly conference and things, and members seemes to have established great bonds in their grief.

I think that's a really helpful post from Barely Floating. I don't think your H has much to offer you right now - through his own grief - you need to stop looking to him for now and build your own support networks. You are directing much anger at him, and (whilst I can understand that) I think you need to try and refocus on you.

It must be an awful, awful time for you, and I'm so sorry. It will take time, but things will slowly get better. The main thing is not to despair, and to keep that little kernel of hope - just the size of a sweetcorn kernel right in the bottom of your tummy. That is always there and can take you forwards, one day at a time.