Angry WAH blames me for everything.......

[Calibri]

Ss,

I think we are soul sisters. Reading your story gave me the strength to post my own -- because of how similar we seem and some of the similarities that we have with our issues. It's nice knowing that I'm not alone out there.

What are we protecting ourselves from? Me - hurt from people who claim to "love me", and abandonment. Does it work? Yes and no. Have I hip checked some toxic people out of my life. Absolutely. But I have to wonder what I've missed in the meantime.

That's why I felt (and still do) so strongly about my H and my relationship with him. He knew what I was up to (allegedly). I tested him early on to see what he could handle and what he couldn't. I was honest with him, about my fears, about my problems, about me. He's actually softened me up a bit.

But I have found, upon reflection, when I'm extremely stressed out, or upset about my life -- I get nasty. It's not on purpose. But more of a, "WTF - why do I have to do this, this and this on top of everything else?"

Prime example: I've had to become Health Care Power of Attorney for my grandfather who lives six hours away. Why? My father had a breakdown, neglected my grandfather who was having his own breakdown, and could no longer look out for my grandfather, who had appointed my father as HCPA - should the time come. I had to become HCPA, override my father, put my grandfather in a nursing home and deal with the daily responsibilities that come with caring (from afar) with a 90 year old man with dementia. Once my dad came out of his breakdown, he got nasty. Very nasty. Thought I was trying to take away power from him and threatened all kinds of things. And in the middle of all this, I became nasty myself. I was pissed off because my grandfather put care for his life with his mentally ill son. My father, who has never been responsible for ANYTHING in his life, shirked his duties, and never once thanked me for taking care of his dad (then or now). I became angry that my dad had been enabled his entire life and faced no repercussions. I was angry that I was the only one who gave a damn to step in and take on this role.

Add that with my step-dad having cancer, my best friend having cancer, my other grandfather having a stroke and declining rapidly, being unsatisfied with my job, feeling insecure about myself (oh hai, I have a graduate degree and I can only secure part time work, I fail at life) and it became a big ball of "mad at the world, middle finger to everyone, ball of anger." At one point in time I said to my IC: "why am I constantly surrounded by people who cannot get their [censored] together, and why am I the one who has to be the one to pick it up?"

Why do I feel the need to be responsible for the irresponsibility in other grown peoples lives? Most likely because it's a learned behavior that I watched with my father and his father. My grandfather cleaned up all the messes that my father made, because "it was the right thing to do." The mentality that it wasn't fair or right didn't matter. It was ingrained upon me that you took care of the mess of your loved ones, because that was your responsibility of being an adult.

Does it work for me? Probably not. My family looks to me as this beacon of strength. This pillar that supports everyone else. Several people in my family, my H included, have told me they wish that they had my fortitude. They wished they had my strength. They wish that they could just "tell it like it is" like I do, and not worry if people were pissed off at them.

And all I can think is, I became this way, because I didn't have the pillars of strength in my life. I tell it like it is, because quite frankly, I'm exhausted with the constant bullshit and enabling, and head in the sand mentality from my loved ones my entire life. I'm tired of sacrificing for others. I'm tired of being the one to take care of things be it with my grandfather or my H because THEY didn't take the steps in their lives to prevent things from happening. And I get that life happens, and no one expects what gets thrown at us, but COME ON, PEOPLE.

So no. Protecting myself hasn't served me well. Because, by protecting myself, I haven't set boundaries for myself. By protecting myself, I allowed situations to be created, that I in turn resented being a part of. It's the whole triangle thing I was talking about.

Will I stop being hard? Probably -- I'm working on that daily. Having my H leave me - has humbled me. Deeply. Will I stop being direct and assertive? Probably not. Those are things that are rooted deep within me. But I'm choosing to work on being direct and assertive in non combative ways that are more constructive rather than destructive. Not everyone needs what my brother lovingly refers to my honesty as "a truth kick to the face."

---

I don't think I'm doing great. But then again -- I'm kind of like, well - this is where I'm at today. Yesterday was an eye opener for me. I miss H deeply. But I went on with my day. I worked out. I set a new PR, I got myself take out on the way home. I watched the series finale of Sons of Anarchy. I did what I wanted to do with my day. You know what, it was ok. And my thought when I went to sleep was, "I hope H is getting what he needs out of this separation. I hope that he's becoming as enlightened as I am. I hope that he would like to come back. He's missing a beautiful life with me. But regardless, it's going to be beautiful."

---

I may be back on the kitchen floor this weekend, but hey -- this is where I'm at today.

[Calibri]

More text diarrhea from Calibri tonight: aka I won't need IC this week because I'm doing it all here.

Being a hard ass was self preservation, I've established that. Repeatedly. But what it freaking boils down to is this. I felt unloved. By a lot of key players in my life who should've done a better job, but were doing the best they could. Some more than others. I felt like a magnet for bad things: people who didn't love me, abuse, etc. I hid a lot of my childhood from my peers and some family, because who wants to open up about the nasty things in life. Add in that I was a late bloomer and yeah, I felt like the ugly girl that would always be alone. Unloveable.

Sure, you can pad a bra, buy makeup, change your hair. But who wants to love the girl with the crazy father? The girl who could go crazy herself, cause you know, things pass down. Who wants to love the girl who doesn't trust people because she's seen the worst in people? She sees what weakness gets. So the wall went up. Because no want wants to marry a girl like that.

And the wall came down. For H. But the chip on the shoulder was still there. While most of the pain had subsided, the fears still lingered in the background. When the fears came to light. So did the not so great parts. But surely the man who had the patience to tear down the wall would have the patience to love me, right?

Apparently not. I am living the reason daily, why I had the wall up in the first place.

And that ladies and gents is how 24 hours, finishing a book on radical acceptance and thinking too much can take you from a PMA day to a "I'm going to bed soon because it's much more comfortable to cry there - as opposed to my kitchen floor. "

----
On the plus side, my GAL activities are so full this up coming month. So.....yay!?

----

Ugh

[Ss06]

Girl, we need to chat. For reals. It's against the rules to share personal information but we gotta figure out a way. It's like you're in my head saying exactly what I'm saying.

How do we make this happen?

[Calibri]

And one more before I cut myself off from my own thread tonight.

Finishing up Radical Acceptance (total recommendation by the way), the author talks about when we are caught up in our own drama, everyone else becomes an "other." We don't think about their needs or their hurts, in fact we perhaps categorize them as "unreal or unfeeling."

So, while in the midst of all my pain, I was unaware of my H's pain or drama. Partially because the enormity of the situation I was in, and partially because I assumed that he would speak up about anything that had bothered him. He didn't. And he was hurting with his own issues just as much as I was with mine (I'm assuming here). He felt pressure to keep me happy and support me, while doing so, perhaps at his own expense.

I feel like such a shitty wife and person as well.

No more posting on my own thread tonight.

I'm cutting myself off.

[Ss06]

Don't cut yourself off! You're making good strides and it's cathartic to type this stuff out sometimes!!

Ps I just bought that book. Seriously, not 10 seconds before logging on and reading your post. Weird.

[Little]

Near as I can tell, if one or both posted to the DB Facebook page with a code word.....*cough*

[Pink17]

Hi Sweetie,

Hey girl, don't let a bad day destroy the hard work you have been putting to get in a better place.

I know how hard it is. And you know how hard it has been to face my childhood issues. Alcoholic father, abusive mom that spanked me with a piece of fence wood a million times, sexual abuse from step father, you name it.

It's all in you and your past, it bothers you and will be a wound that never heals, sometimes it is like a sleeping volcano and sometimes it feels we are rubbing salt on it.

I anyway the time to stop the insanity is now. You have that power to start working to stop all the pain. Underdog told me to put aside my R issues for now and focus in get myself back. I am doing it. To tell the truth I am getting to a place that I don't even think much of my R now, I want to clean my closet once for all.

My IC told me we will start a 8steps program called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing). Look up online, there are tons of info on this. It's even used to treat PTSD. And addressing the childhood problems will help to address the anxiety, depression, inferiority, insecurity... all the negativity inside yourself.

Please, give yourself a chance to be happy. At some point, it does not matter anymore if H will be back or not. What it matters is exactly what we learn here. That we are the most important person no matter what. And if we take good care after ourselves, we have a chance to have a healthy R with H or someone else down the road.

Life is short, we have wasted some time crying our pain and it did not help much, we have been destroying some things because our masks do not stay with us all the time. Take some time, clear those tears and approach the problem with real solutions.

I know it may seen impossible at times, but it's not. You are here for a reason, you are a smart person. You helped me when I needed help. You are kind and ramble to say "I was wrong... I messed up". Give yourself credit and look how and what you can do to really help all your issues.

I don't know what will happen tomorrow, if this EMDR will really work for me, but it a starting point and I will try to get all the bad out of my heart, or at least let go the pain. I will do it and I believe you can do it too.

You say you are tough, well, I think I know that kind of tough. I am the same way. Now, I can see myself, I am not tough, I am a strong person that has strong personality. I have my own opinions and I like to respect myself. Along the way, external factors made me tough, rough skin, just to protect myself.
Inside me I am gentle, soft, a loving person that is always afraid to show and get hurt again.

You can do it Calibri, get the help you need for yourself, tell yourself it has been too much too long and you do not want to start 2015 without a plan to clean the skeletons in your closet.

It's for your own good, but you will see that the sunshine inside you will slowly come forward and you will start attracting good stuff, good people and maybe H will fall in love with a better you all over again.

Believe in yourself... I already believe in you.

Lots of hugs sweetie.
Pink

[Calibri]

IMHO, because you are always so tough and "don't have a lot of sympathy for victims," you are not letting your H have the opportunity to get out of the role of victim. By constantly showing that you are a hard ass, your H will continue to be soft, which in turn makes you more frustrated and more irritated at why he is the way he is.

So I've been thinking about this for days. I'm on the fence about this. H had victim tendencies before we got together. But they didn't become glaringly apparent until we hit serious conflict (money, my MIL, apparently buying that damn house). When I say I'm a hard ass, rest assured, I'm not riding H 24/7. Most of the time I was laid back. But when we had conflict, that's where the hard ass came out and was directed towards him. I tried different approaches with him, and the only thing that got results was being a hard ass.

Seriously. We could agree upon something, and he would go along with it for a week or so, and then fall back into old habits, or "forget" that he had agreed upon something. I attribute this to what I call the "special snowflake syndrome." With the way he was raised, his mother placed her kids on unrealistic pedestals and gave them over inflated views of their roles in the world. I've touched on it before, but what it boils down to is - they were given the message by their mother that they could do whatever they want, because they're so gifted/smart/good looking and that life was too short NOT to do what you wanted. And if they made a serious mess, their mother always cleaned it up while either raking them across the coals saying she "raised them better than that" or placing the blame on someone else in the situation.

So when I would get frustrated, he would tell me that, "it's not that big of a deal." Which is like waving the red flag in front of me and daring me to say something. :-) What got results was either a)yelling or b) being a hard ass. I think he responded to that because that's what he grew up with his mother. Nothing was ever discussed, it was angry reactions and screaming that they all abided by because it's what would pacify her at the time.

I don't like that I had to be a hard ass or yell to get results from him. But I felt, that was the only way that would get a response, and that would get me heard. And I felt that way, because that's the only thing that got me results. And for the record, this wasn't like every day things -- there's been only five times over the course of ten years where I was a serious hard ass and we were having knock down drag out fights about something.

So, to answer your question, I genuinely don't know if not being a hard ass will allow him to change. I think he has to change his view on how HE wants to be. I know he has expressed a desire not to be the way he is, but he doesn't see himself as victim. I'd be curious to see what he actually thinks of himself. I think he doesn't believe he has the ability to change his situation.

Oh hell, I don't know. But good thought provoking question of the week!

[hope224]

I've been reading your past and my situation is quite similar. H has depression and anxiety,he pretty much had a meltdown after BD. Everything you have described, i went through. His anxiety skyrocketed when our family came to visit us in June. I had no idea he had these mental diseases and he basically denies it or rather he knows he had it but doesnt want to see the doctor. We are only staying married till summer, 2015 . Recently, he keeps wanting to see baby and I more often. I mean I understand seeing the baby but why me? He tries to get us to visit him [since I'm living with a friend]. Somedays, he tells me that he is confused about this and cats about me but other days tells me that his decision on D has not changed. But, he would get mean and angry with me when we were going back home, later he opens up and tells me that the reason is because he hates being alone all week [his choice anyway]. So bottom line, I actually feel way better than I did a few months ago. U jane nor really been doing GAL because I'm pretty much just working and spending time with baby. I do get out and about visiting friends though. I have not dropped the rope yet. I've been telling h to get help since both his parents have depression and anxiety but he is a stubborn donkey.
I just keep praying and hoping he realizes I'm not the problem. But, if he decides to go ahead with the D, i just hope he will be happy. It's really hard not to blame myself for this mess. I have constant heartaches but I'm also letting him cut the cake and have it too because I go out of my way to stay worth him during the weekend. But, it's getting tiring and i feel stronger most of the time now. The only reason I'm letting him do this is because I fear he is sucidal 30% and I'm the only one he talks to about his feelings. I've told him to talk to professionals but he absolutely refuses. My friends and family tell me to let him be and i should not take that kind of pressure but i can heal, he can't eight now.

I'll keep reading your post.

[Calibri]

Hope -

Thanks for stopping by. It's tough watching loved ones have a meltdown. My H is in denial that he's having a meltdown. But I've learned that he has to go down this path - regardless of where it leads. It's hard not to want to help them, but from my research and experiences, trying to help someone who has depression can blow up in your face. They may view your help as being controlling, or make them feel worse, and therefore the situation gets worse.

The most important thing for my H and yours, I believe is to get a to a place where they are healthy and happy -- whatever that looks like for both of them.

I'll be thinking about you!