Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
In a couple days there is a fund raiser for 2 people, a H and W, who both are stricken with Cancer at the moment.
They are good friends of my W and I. Their Daughter and Grand Daughters are also very good friends.
It is being held at a club we are members of. My MIL will be bartending.
This night is all about the couple. I will certainly keep it that way.
My questions are. Do I acknowledge my W or allow her to come to me. Do I go to my MIL part of the bar or do I go to another bartender for my Water?
This will be the first time I see my W(if she comes) in 2 1/2 months and the first time in 15 months for my MIL.
If you guys advise me to say hi to my W, is that all or do I ask how she is doing? Do I ask my MIL how she is doing or how my FIL is doing? He is not in the best of health and I have not seen him since this S began.
This will be the first time I will be at this club in 11 months so I am also curious about the way I will be received by some of the "bar" friends. When this all started most if not all of these mutual "bar" friends were quietly wishing me luck and saying it shouldn't be this way. I realize they could be saying the same thing to my W. I trust people a lot and feel mostly they want to see us together. I know for a fact that no one knows about my W OM unless they have seen it with own eyes.
My W has done a good job of not saying too much to these people from what I am told. Which is a good thing.
This is one of those times that I feel I need to make the most of any interaction with her family. Others in W family could be there also. Uncles, Aunts brothers etc.
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
You can't stop her from coming to you if she wants to. (Remember who's in control of whom?) And of course you acknowledge her if she does. Remember, you're living a good life without her, you're not trying to be a miserable old codger. What would that show her? That you're angry and so she can't approach you? Not attractive.
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Do I go to my MIL part of the bar or do I go to another bartender for my Water?
You can go to her in her role as bartender. You can say hello, maybe pay her a compliment, but don't get into anything else. If MIL initiates a conversation, I wouldn't do more than validate whatever she says then move on.
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If you guys advise me to say hi to my W, is that all or do I ask how she is doing?
I wouldn't approach her. I wouldn't go out of my way to avoid her, either. If she approaches you, let her. Then STFU. You don't ask her how she's doing. You're doing fine without her, right? You're really not interested in prying. If she talks, you validate, validate, validate, STFU.
I went to a similar thing several weeks back. I knew that some of my W's friends there were aware of her A, and that she's told them her narrative of why I deserve all this. Part of me wanted to go just to face this whole situation down - I will not go into social hiding just because it might be uncomfortable for W or cause a few people to talk. I had an uneventful, enjoyable evening.
That's your only goal - you're going to support the fundraiser. Limit it to that, and no expectations.
My suggestion is to go there alone with new clothes, nice facial appearance, and small dab of cologne.
You can acknowledge W in a friendly manner. As for MIL, you an say "hi, it's good to see you. I hope FIL is feeling a bit better and please give him my regards." Then go about your business. Don't offer to bartend alongside her.
The one question we never, never ask our WAS is 'how are you?' because they feel that you're intruding into their private space and their wall will go right up. Then you'll lose your chance to showcase the fabulous Nit. You can say "hi" to W and comment tHat you hope the fundraiser is a success because those people will need everyone's support.
Now, I want to be gentle here....you need to mentally prepare yourself for the possibility that W may bring OM to this event. In her mind, W most probably feels she's "single" which means she is 'free' to bring him around. Not saying that it'll happen, if ever.
The goal is to mingle and be your charming self while attending to the friends you're supporting....which is the purpose of the fundraiser.
Zew and Wonka, Thank you so much for the above thoughts!!
Zew, I wouldn't want to stop her from approaching me. I know I am doing fine on my own. I just wondered How much of an effort I should put forth to "run into her". Thanks for answering that for me.
Wonka,
Last edited by nit84; 12/16/1403:19 AM.
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
Funny you mention new clothes... I already picked out my outfit, a little hair jel, a dab of W favorite cologne a slight 5 o'clock shadow and I am set(any suggestions on the dark circles under eyes?). I have always had them so it wont be a shock just wondering is all.
I won't ask how she is doing as I typed that I think I already knew that answer.
Her bringing the OM is not even a remote possibility. He is not a member of the club not saying he couldn't sit in the lot but it is highly unlikely.
I most definitely will mingle but I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. I am a social butterfly at this club and know pretty much every member so I will be ok just looking out for their feelings is all.
I have not gone down to this club in this long because I have been doing other GAL and also not to put some friends in an awkward position of worrying about talking to me or my W for that matter.
If my W wants to talk about anything other than the fundraiser. I will politely say that we should do it some other time over coffee maybe not here, not now because of the importance of this night.
Since I don't know her new(since June)cell number do I slide in "maybe text me tomorrow if you are free and we can meet" or just keep it email for now?
A bad thing about this night is the Woman half of this couple that the fundraiser is for told me last year how she told my MIL to butt out of my W and I marriage and she told my W on several occasions throughout the years that she was misunderstanding what I saying to her and that she was getting upset over nothing.
This woman is good friends with my MIL but I believe her when she tells me that in the past she has told my MIL these things and actually she is not the only one but MIL is a different sort of person. I know my MIL and I love her but I also am wary of her at the same time.
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
Zew, Thanks you have always been helpful to me and I appreciate it very much.
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
Since I don't know her new(since June)cell number do I slide in "maybe text me tomorrow if you are free and we can meet" or just keep it email for now?
No. You need to follow W's lead on this one.
Originally Posted By: nit84
A bad thing about this night is the Woman half of this couple that the fundraiser is for told me last year how she told my MIL to butt out of my W and I marriage and she told my W on several occasions throughout the years that she was misunderstanding what I saying to her and that she was getting upset over nothing.
This woman is good friends with my MIL but I believe her when she tells me that in the past she has told my MIL these things and actually she is not the only one but MIL is a different sort of person.
Stay out of this. It's between those two women. Just carry on at the fundraiser.
