Good hearing from you Ad. One observation> Stop being sooooo hard on yourself. We are imperfect beings. Just the way God wanted us to be. Glad you are enjoying yourself.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Lol rock i know! Today i'm telling myself i've got to find a way to take myself less seriously. Way too analytical and critical of myself. But thats just more of the same!
Seriously though i do think im not good enough or as good as i can be, at living. God gave me lots of room to learn and improve in.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Thanks, nice of you! I'd lke to be more at peace though and not still keeping score. But i will stop and if you write again you can have the last word! Lol
By the way, has anyone else noticed the lack of birthday cards appropriate for one's stbx? I'm thinking along the lines of:
It's your birthday.
Or
Have a ... Birthday.
Or even just a plain old Happy Birthday???
I passed by two thousand that all had some version of You're the Greatest sentiment that's false, or else a mean age joke that, given the circumstances loses the affectionate kidding aspe t and just sounds jerky. If it werent for the kids i wouldnt bother, but i want to be a good model for them. After way too long i found a nice plain hope your birthday makes you smile. Thoughtful yet unaffectionate.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Hey there! Nice to see a call out on my thread! I'm doing fine mostly but dealing with a lot that keeps me busy. Been reading these forums a lot tho; there are several people i follow just to see how theyre doing and the advice theyre being given is often helpful to me.
I almost wrote here yesterday because i couldnt think of a safer outlet. Thoughts of being dead have been popping in my mind, which causes me a little concern. I dont worry too much because theyre always accompanied by thoughts of how unlikely, impractical, undesirable that wd be, how much my kids need me, and how much joy i get out of life. The idea that i'd miss out on any of it is ridiculous so these thoughts are a little alarming. I've read that the hotlines worry if you also have a means and a plan, which i dont. I just think of it when i feel so tired and my days are sometimes so hard. I have always known that i will feel better soon and i always do! Yesterday for ex started like this and by evening was a great day full of good things.
I was feeling down to start bc i caught a cold ceel like cr@p and would like to just rest. S14 wouldnt get out of bed and told me everyone in his life is expendable and nothing makes him happy, and i just didnt have it atm to help him it was just bringin me down more. I let him stay home skip the tests he was avoiding and discussed dropping the class he wants to drop. Made him get up and help around the house while i worked, and took him to my parents' for lunch. He cheered up but wouldnt go to school still. I felt at that moment some things are more important than school.
On the good side i found out insurance will cover psy testing for him yay and also the school is moving forward with testing. They emailed me a 200 question survey about his behaavior at home, which got him to help with, and couched in it were questions i was glad to have the excuse to ask: do you ever feeling hurting yourself or others for example and he readily said never. Do you ever feel worthless, he said occasionally. It was good bonding time i think.
I emailed h my discovery about the testing and my recommendation that we use our good friends practice tho its an hour away. H said to give him a couple days notice and he would take time off work to drive. I am glad to let him step up for that even tho i didnt mind doing it.
S16 is out with friends almost all the time, only coming home at curfew often, i miss him. He suggested we need a christmas tree, and im happy to see our traiditions matter to him. Thank goodness for allergy shots bc thats my guaranteed bonding time with him.
Thanksgiving was good, my parents hosted and my siblings came. Next day i drove the kids to h's sister's for pizza dinner and lots of family on h's side there. It was fine and i enjoyed seeing people. I barely interacted with h and his (lawyer) brother, not rudely just not near them or interacting much with them. At one point h raised his voice and used the youre-an-idiot voice that i know so well, speaking to his sister, and i had to leave the room for a bit. When i left i mentioned we were going the long way home because i had been a dollar short on the ferry over. H then handed me all the pizza money and said just keep it its fine. Which i didnt resist, and said thanks. I dislike him and prefer not to be around him, but he's a mostly decent person. He did manage to kid the boys and told everyone theyre both going to military school, har de har har, but i didnt get involved in that.
Work is good, satill adjusting to full time, and any day i have out of town or a morning meeting s14 skips school. That feeling of being pulled in 2 directions is stressful.
Still playing guitar and singing, planning to see live bands, gearing up for my first open mic.
Trying to spend time w my elderly parents, time seems short esp for my mom.
Still avoiding my divorce paperwork, but really emotionally ready to be done, just feel like i need some uninterrupted stretch of time to work on it, and i never seem to have any of those.
I think my weird mood is related to the dark cold season so i'm trying to just deal with it. I thought perhaps mentioning it here i could get some agreement that its not anything to be alarmed about. I do love christmas and am enjoying a month of carols on the radio.
Thanks very much for being interested in how im doing!
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
It's nice to see an update from you. I have wondered how you are and now the new job is going.
Personally, I wouldn't be too alarmed about the somewhat darkness of your moods. Over the years I've had instances where I thought some of the same things as you, never acted on them they were just fleeting thoughts. Besides the holidays are supposed to be the time of year that more people are affected by depression and sadness (go figure). I'd say just keep your awareness and if they start to become more predominant instead of just an occasional thought or start affecting your everyday life, i.e. withdrawing from people, staying in bed and not getting out, etc. then seek out someone to talk to about them. Of course I'm no therapist, didn't even sleep at a Holiday Express last night, so take my advice with a grain of salt.
You seem very locked in and engaged in regard to your S14's struggles. Teenage years are so tough, especially for us parents! We just want the best for our kids and it's so hard when we see them either hurting or making decisions that we know aren't the best for them. My D16 had some real struggles last year and into early this year. It was difficult watching her go through that and I had a lot of anxiety wondering what was the best way to deal with her so that it would move her in the right direction and not make things worse. Fortunately, she has rebounded and is doing much better, in fact really good these days. I wish I knew what it was that moved her to chart a more positive course in her life - but I'm happy with the end result.
Very cool that you are going to be stepping out and doing the open mic thing. To me this is another indicator to not be too concerned about the mood stuff. You're willing to put yourself out there and take on new challenges. It would be cool to hear you play!
Thanks BA! I appreciate the barometer check. I just don't know if suicidal ideation is one of those things people who would never act on it might lose their mind for a second and do it by accident. I don't know. Seems really unlikely. Never had to wonder about it before. But since you didn't sleep at a Holiday Express last night perhaps I should get another opinion.
I think the worst effect on my everyday life is that I just can't do for my kids when I feel like crawling under a rock. With S14's issues, I would have to actually spend part of my workday evaluating his missing assignments and working with him directly to organize and do his work, and I'm good for about a 1/2 hour of sitting on him to study and then I just can't seem to care enough to try for another hour. And they eat too much McDonalds, and live in a dusty house. I think I hit the most important marks but I can't get them to go to school or succeed there if they can't do it for themselves, right now. And everyone else seems to be checking homework and organizing college visits...I feel pretty lame as a mom. Oh yeah I was supposed to stop beating up on myself about that. Forgot.
I would like to stop defining myself by the fact that my H left, and everyday feeling like our finances, coping ability, food, quality of life, everything is suffering because he left. I want to get to where the fact that he left is only a small part of how we're doing. So, I need to take a Dave Ramsey course, take control of my finances, fix my separation agreement, get a divorce, and stand on my own two feet.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Hey AD I wouldnt be too worried about your thoughts. It happens to everyone especially when stressed. Wondering if being dead would be better in times of turmoil is very normal. If it doesnt go away and u start planning on how to do it than I would worry.
And yes stop defining yourself based on what H did. You have a great life ahead. i did the same thing and it kept me stuck. I think it was fear
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Yeah fear. I know. I don't know what I'm afraid of! But yeah.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
