Jim0987 #6 - starting a bit of a rebuild

[Ggrass]

So jim what jumped out at me she noticed and mentioned new shoes.

She's watching jim closely. I would be mixing it up on her weekend on, wear new stuff head out wear new colone be mysterious.

The spew you did well, while he thought of why weren't logical you could acknowledge her feelings on the matter

[jim0987]

So that was new. Or more accurately back to when this first all happened. I got in from work and was greeted with 'are you going out tonight?' I said yes then W retreated to her bedroom without another word.

She spent the day with OM1 (they are work colleagues) so I suspect they may have affected her mood.

I really would like an end to this nonsense and just have the woman I married back.

[Vanilla]

Jim

Actually do you really? Want the original W back?

Wouldn't you prefer a new version of W who has worked through her issues?

A W who is fully committed to a new Jim and her children?

A W who went times are tough looks for a sane way to relate and communicate?

These questions are purely rhetoric!
Vanilla

[edz]

Have to say that back in July/August when I was in the 'woe-is-me-wailly-wailly-wailly' phase I'd have done or said anything to have W back no matter what exactly as before. Now, I've stopped saying I want her back more that I want her to move forward with me, semantics? Maybe, but I think it sums up that we both (all considering S has input here too) need to work on the relationship we want. If W doesnt want that then I will need to take time and space to heal and then find someone who does.

Not saying you're in the same boat Jim, our sitches are different but I know to get even to this point of detachment I had to search myself uncomfortably and ask was I happy before BD, blissfully ignorant maybe, but happy? The answer there, honestly, is no.I was lonely even before she left as I felt sidelined and pushed away and frustrated at not being able to get through to her.

Not saying you are in the same boat mate, we have very, very different sitches on the go but before you beat yourself up about not having the person you married be careful to consider the person she was just before BD not the one on wedding day. Look to what you could become if she chooses to work on it so to speak.

Just my 2c (well 1p) of course

[Little]

I think what people mean when they say they want their spouse back "as before" they mean they want the spouse that hasn't decided to check out. They want the opportunity to go from when the R problems started and try and fix things before their spouse got to the point where they needed to A or walk away.

Hind site is 20/20, and all that.

[edz]

Hi Little, that I can relate to and you're right to be at the point that making small changes would make a huge difference rather than having to rebuild would be a wonderful thing

[jim0987]

I posting this update in the hope that by writing about it I dont stew on it for ages

Last night my W was out for her work Christmas do (I think OM1 was there). She bundled into the house at about 0300 and I say bundled as she wasnt very quiet and unsurprisingly work me up.

0300 is really late for a tuesday night because round here nowhere is open that late, very few places are open past midnight. It also bothers me that i could never get her to stay out this late as she was always 'too tired'

when she woke up she was in a really good mood considering she had only had at best 3-4 hrs sleep.

anyway I made some comment about her looking happy and asked if she was sober yet (light heartedly) she said she wasnt that drunk at all. I made some comment about her bundling in at 0300 and she said it was it the trains were late and it took ages to get a cab.

I asked a couple of perfectly reasonable questions like did she share a cab with her boss who lives just down the road from us (she said yes), and whether she had a good time (she said yes)

now the last train is at about 23:30 its a 20 minute train ride and then the cab is about 15 minutes + however long it takes to get one. so something didnt add up on the timings.

Anyway I made a couple of other comments about not realising the trains ran that late, she said they were delayed because it was icy, i said it was strange because it wasnt that cold last night (about 9 degrees).

It got to the point that she said i seemed very interested in her trains. to which i said its because something doesnt add up. I then said look you dont have to account for your whereabouts to me. I said im curious because something doesnt make sense and when soemthing doesnt make sense it bugs me (which is true)

Anyway underneath all of this - I think she is lying (again) and i get the impression that she felt she was being interrogated. which is probably how it did feel - more so if she was lying.

Oh yes and she borrowed some money for the bus fare (said 'i normally wouldnt do this' - but her 'borrowing' all my cash was standard before BD). I gave her the money without objection but i guess i wasnt very cheerful about it because i immediately thought of all the bits of cash that have disappeared in the past

all of this meant that what was friendly and happy when she got up was tense and awkward when she left for work. even my goodbye ('have good day, I hope the bus isnt late') came out as a sarcastic dig which in retrospect t was and i just didnt control that well enough - I said it without thinking.

I dont know what happened last night but my suspicion is she ended going back to someone's and since all her local colleagues are married and their partners would have been asleep (even Poisonous Friend still lives with her husband - I dont know if he even knows about his W's affair) that would suggest OM1 or another random guy. Probably i'm being paranoid.

Anyway on the whole i think I should have left it with the friendly did you have a good night and said nothing more - its when she started saying things that didnt add up I started digging.

so Qs
- should i have completely ignored that she went out
- should I have called her out on the lies (there is a small chance that she is telling the truth)
- how do I stop this complex love life of hers bugging me so much.
- is it normal for a WAW to so urgently just pursue ANYONE else who shows interest
- any suggestions for how i can improve the dynamic in my situation (to save the M rather than make her short term nice)
- what can i do to make me and the real world seem like an attractive prospect compared to fantasy land of new man

unrelated my Dad is pretty insistent that I should start being a lot harder on her and initiate Divorce proceedings myself citing her adultery as at least then i would be standing up for myself. I'm starting to come round to this way of thinking but since I dont want a divorce it seems like doing nothing is the better plan, even if it does allow her previous plan (serve the papers the day after she moves out) to go ahead.

so to sum it all up
AAAARRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHH - please someone make this ridiculousness stop. The is so much dishonesty, mistrust and resentment over past wrongs that cant be undone when we could so easily be happy if we could just let it go and tried to build the kind of happy future we both want. (not that i can tell her this or make her believe it)

I reapeat AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

[Ggrass]

Mmm I won't have called her out on the fibbing.

I didn't with my h, when I did it lead to huge fights and got nowhere.
I would have ignored her heading out and not commented.
Some of the others well not too sure.

[edz]

Morning Jim

Arghhhh indeed.

I didn't find myself in this position with my sitch so I can only offer a comment on the calling her out really, it's INCREDIBLY easy for me to offer retrospective advice even based on the books, the rules and the great advice around here. But, I wasn't there, or in your sitch so I'd say it probably would have been easier for your detatchment to say okeydoke and move on without the questioning BUT I wouldnt dare say thats what you *should* have done. I would really ask you dont beat yourself up all day over it though mate. It's done, move on with your day with a total distraction if you can, assuming you are seeing W tonight then I wouldnt bring it up unless she does and if so (and again - not you not downplaying the pain involved) treat her like you would a roommate who honked you off coming in late. I will happily be knocked about by those in this situation with better, more focussed advice though!

Where I can completely empathise with you is your Dad saying about Divorce. I wondered why the general consensus was not to involve family in aspects of DB and I found out, my Dad loves my W but he has been pushing me to accept she's gone and to move on and heal / find someone new fro the past few months.

I know he does it because he wants to see me happy but as I said to him I appreciate his help, his words, his kindness especially when I was in pieces but now I need to work out where I want to go and where W wants to go and how S can be best served as well. He gets that, if I were you (I'm not so feel free to tell me where to go!) I'd have a chat before you feel pressured. Only you (not breaking into song here) know whats best for you and your kids right now, listen to opinions but make sure you're the one picking the right road for you guys.

And take care mate.

Edz

[Vanilla]

Jim

edz is right and both he and gg have both had experience of the calling it out and the results. W is wrapped up in the Xmas bad behaviour camaraderie, drink, parties and jollies. Things always appear differently in the January street light when the tawdry birds roost. The piper has to be paid for this eventually.

I would look at this way, it's a 180, what you did wasn't working so do something different and STFU.

Vanilla is thinking of a 180 the other way, at some stage probably in early Apr 2015, Vanilla will be doing a HP and moving on with her life to get dark peace.
Trust me, you guys and the vets will have to help with the script when I do. We do what works for us.

Jim, in the meanwhile it's set the boundaries and detach. GAL, GAL, GAL. A little Vanilla pod is in order, let it pass Jim, ain't worth the upset at this time of year, it won't change W so have an Xmas without drama. W knows where you stand on the issues stop repeating yourself. The worse her behaviour then the more the shock to her system at realisation. Guilt is about behaviour but the last thing that is needed is shame about who she is.

Keep family out of it as far as possible, it makes it all the harder for W to return as the shame will make her move on.

Let it go, flush ithe bad behaviour where the furry things go.

As for not letting it poke you in the eye, you know the answer. GAL for your sanity.

Vanilla