It was Starsky's clear voice on boundaries and building attraction through displaying strength that helped me make sense of my own failed piecing attempts.
Making demands that they "do the work" is very scary, but having a shaky marriage with a replay of affair, etc is far scarier.
DB-ing is all about getting you THIS point. It doesn't really cover the piecing part so much.
Precisely.
Sho, I don't mean to beat a dead horse here. I think the reason I'm so passionate about this particular part of the journey is because I didn't do it right in 2005/06. I did EXACTLY what Theoden detailed in his post: I took DBing and applied it to piecing. I was happy to have my H back. I did all the heavy-lifting by myself. I avoided. I ignored. I suffered largely in silence. H said he was sorry, sure. But I didn't, as Theoden says, "step into my own life." I let a lot slide; I didn't want to lose my H again. I thought talking about the A was wrong (again, still applying the DB rules to piecing, even though I've now learned - through ANOTHER A, and ANOTHER round of piecing - that the rules are completely different in piecing).
You won't find a lot of people posting in the Piecing forum here. That's why I stayed in Infidelity. There's not a whole lot that is addressed about the piecing process, which is unfortunate. There's some information in other books and on other websites, though.
Mostly, though, we have the benefit of talking with others who have successfully pieced their Ms back together, like Starsky. And then there's me: someone who failed Piecing Round One and is in the middle of Round Two. And doing it VASTLY different this time. In fact, I question everything I'm saying and doing this time because it feels I'm doing it all wrong. I'm still having bouts of anger and temper-tantrums. I'm sending my H articles that explain why everything can seem great between us and then - BOOM - something knocks me to my knees and sends me into crying, screaming hysterics. I've had to apologize a lot. He's had to apologize a lot. I've watched and listened as he paced our backyard, crying and moaning with sorrow as I sat, sobbing and hysterical on my back patio steps. He's had to answer hard and pointed questions. And he's done it, in spite of the fact that he feels immense guilt and shame and hurt, too. I keep digging it up, it seems, right when he feels we are doing better.
This is so hard. It's gut-wrenching. Heart-breaking.
I don't want to punish him. But when he agreed to fix our M, he agreed to walk with me down this road. And to do whatever it takes - however long it takes - to help me through it. In addition to alllll of that, we are working on our love. We are working to re-learn what our needs are - and how to meet each other's needs. AND we are working on improvements to our individual selves.
Again, a lot of work. A LOT of HARD work ...
If my H hadn't fully owned-up to everything - if he wasn't apologetic and going wayyyyy out of his way to comfort me and understand me and love me through all this - I don't think we would be here. It starts with them acknowledging everything you need them to acknowledge. For all the many reasons Theoden has detailed.
I just want to stress how important I think it is that this part of your journey is executed perfectly. It's SO important. It's indicative of how the road will unfold before you as you piece your M back together. Honesty and full disclosure - or at least a WILLINGNESS to fully disclose - is of paramount importance. Maybe you don't need all the information. Cool. She should still be willing to provide it. Period. If she's not? Then she's not ready for the heavy-lifting of true piecing. That's just my opinion.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
To chime in a bit, Sho, I'd like to offer some resources that I think are valuable in the piecing process. Please do check out Dear Peggy website.
They are chock full of information on what happens after the affair. In my mind, they go hand-in-hand with DBing after the spouses reconcile after an A ends. Like Train, I do feel that DBing focuses primarily on busting the affair and outlasting the OM/OW, but does not really lay out the nuts and bolts of reconciliation & recovering from an A.
Bottom line, DBing really DOES saves marriages and YOU. For that, I will always be eternally grateful to MWD for writing the book and being the biggest advocate for marriages.
Maybe you don't need all the information. Cool. She should still be willing to provide it. Period. If she's not? Then she's not ready for the heavy-lifting of true piecing. That's just my opinion.
Wasn't sure if we could mention other sites. But Wonka, that one (thanks to your referral) has been great for me during the last seven months. Those are also the articles I've sent H.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Thank you for the flood of feedback, input and advice. All golden. We were on vacation for a week so I decided to just cool it with the forum for the week and focus on my family.
Where are we? We are in a good place. Very good. I had a bad day during our vacation and confronted my W about it. I told her there will be good days and bad days. On the bad days, I will need her help and that that day was one of those days. I told her that I will need her reassurances and will need her to answer questions for me. I told her that I will be a little needy on those days.
We have talked more and more about what happened and some of the details, but also are focusing on us and the changes that we both need to make. We have been spending a lot of time together and are having fun. Lots of "I love yous", holding hands when walking, frequent calls/texts, etc. We also have ML a lot. I probably jumped the gun on this, but our sexual connection was our strength. We lost it for a while there, spurred by our lack of emotional connection. We are getting both the emotional and physical connection back.
Has she divulged everything? No. I am planning to address this subject during our next MC session. I spoke with my DB coach last week before I went on vacation and updated her on everything. She commented that while we would like to see the WAS come clean right away, it does not always work that way. She said to focus on the good times and to allow the MC sessions to chip away at the "elephant in the room."
There are some other comments that I want to address, but I will write a separate post later this week.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
