Mish, my father told me in his last days "Son, I've been scared my whole life". I think we all are, to be honest! I read in a book recently that fear is the opposite of love. Fear can negate love. How do you get passed it? You do it anyway! If we wait for the time we aren't afraid to do something it will never happen. One of the things I so admire about Church Lady is that she told me that she feels scared when she performs at church but she does it anyway. She's still scared yet she sings, plays flute and guitar, leads Sabbath School hymns and is now teaching the kids Sabbath School. This is the same lady who told me she would play her guitar at my baptism. I joke about it but she offered me something special despite being nervous about doing so. She said "if you want me to, I'll do it!" Wow. Now, will I ever be able to say I trust God totally 100% before I choose to "be dunked", as Agnes puts it? Probably not. Do I trust more people than ever before? Yes. I've made a point of taking a chance with people and nobody has put the boots to me yet! Small steps I guess. Ellen White said "We have far more to fear from within than from without".
Tonight I went to the church Christmas party and it was the best one I've ever been to. We had so much fun. I won a prize for Karaoke which I have never done in public before. The last time I ever sang alone in front of people was in a play in grade six...I remembered "just do it" so I did. Church Lady asked if she could sing a Filipino Christmas carol so they looked it up on You Tube and put it on the screen and she began to sing. Halfway through she was dying so I joined in and started singing with her (words were in English) and then two others started singing too. She then asked everyone to join in and it all ended well. My daughters couldn't come as both were working tonight but the eldest said in her text "if I wasn't working I'd love to come" Wow! My kids have never wanted anything to do with church but whenever I ask them to join me at this church they say yes. I'm a happy guy tonight. I do feel blessed in so many ways.
I found this discussion very interesting. I was also raised in a very legalistic Baptist church and had many of these same feelings. Currently, I go to a non-denominational church that is very tolerant, but very conservative at the same time. I have found a mentor who has really helped me resolve these conflicts. When I read your statements, I feel like you are in conflict.
Some of your and Whatisis comments: “My own feelings of disobedience” “God will forgive me” “Fear of being rejected” “God is punishing me” “God also does not expect me to be perfect” “I feel guilty”
I think the core conflict in all of these statements is a Martyr mentality. In your head, you believe that God is asking you to sacrifice your happiness and comfort in order to comply with his rules. You rebel against your convictions, because you believe your happiness and Joy is maximized if you follow your human desires vs conforming to Gods direction. This is the primary lie of the world.
“Living in sin makes me happy. I would be worse off if I got married or lived alone” “I can’t afford to tithe. I will be better off if I keep my money to pay bills”
We are constantly faced with these conflicts between actions that we believe are in our best interest, and how God convicts us to behave through his word. Living in this constant conflict robs peace and joy from our lives and eventually separates us from God and the church.
It has taken me a long time, but I have finally realized that God’s direction is better for me than my direction. All of the past pain in my life has been caused by my rejection of God’s direction in favor of my human desire. God wants you to have peace, and Joy. His commands are that path to that peace and Joy.
Psalms 16:11 says “You will show me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore”
God is not asking us to me Martyrs. He is offering us “Fullness of Joy” and “Pleasures forevermore”. When we follow our human desires we only cheat ourselves.
Thanks for your input and sharing your journey. Part of me has always believed that I need to be a better person and Christian before being baptised but last night I was reading a book "I Used To Be Perfect" by George Knight and he simplified it as you can either choose to say "Yes" to God or choose to say "No". It's not a matter of being perfect or living up to a standard it's about saying you're willing to travel that road with God and see where it takes you. That's it! Ellen White also wrote in Steps To Christ that you come to Christ first and the rest will follow. So, we shall see
I won't hijack any further but I will say, RockJC, that you are absolutely correct. It's conflict. I want to follow God's direction as laid out in His word and it conflicts with my own desire to keep my little family together as I've held on so long. I know I should let go and let God, I just have such a control freak mentality!!!!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Mish, we all "know" lots of things! I "knew" my wife and I would be together forever...and guess what. "Letting go and letting God" is one of those buzz phrases we Christians throw around that is of little help usually. I'll bet most people sitting in pews and spewing those half hour prayers don't "let go and let God". I think it's a matter of coming to God as you are, with whatever you've got and saying "I'm willing to try". One of the reasons I like my church so much is that we're highly unpolished performers. We mess up the church service all the time. The first time I went the usher tripped over the pew while collecting the offering and landed on her butt while the person leading prayer drew a complete blank. I thought "I can fit in here" lol. Our congregation comes to God with what we've got and it's OK...no matter how little it may be sometimes. Our choir soloist stinks...but that's OK too...he's offering what he's got to give. I don't know the answer to your sitch but it saddens me to know that you're not getting what you need from a community that meant so much to you. Not blaming, just saying I wish you felt you could.
