Well I guess the biggest one, and maybe the only one that is relevant to co-parenting is the fact that I can't trust him at all. The adultery was one thing, but swearing up and down that he wasn't living with OW, when in fact he moved in with her immediately and then had displays of physical affection with her in front of the kids is kind of a big one for me. And he has asked my oldest daughter to keep secrets from me and there have been some little lies about her homework etc.
I dunno - it seems like we have to operate from some place of mutual trust - which is the whole reason I think we need the counseling. I can't really think of how I could learn to trust him again- and I guess I'm hoping a counselor could help.
raliced, do you really want to sit across from him in therapy and listen to more of his lies? I'm afraid that even if he says the right things in therapy, it doesn't mean he will actually change his behavior. My H does the same thing (asks D to keep secrets, lies to our faces, etc.). I have to just let it go. If I have no expectations that he will tell me the truth, then I can't be disappointed. Sad, but true.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Ahoy- I can think of literally 1,000 things I would rather do. However, I'm going to have to co-parent with him for the next 15 years, and the situation right now is not good. I'm wiling to give anything a try that might improve things for my daughters.
If nothing else, there are some basic courtesies like letting me know what he is going to do with them when he has them (he's capable of taking them to do some dangerous sporting activites), and the fact that there is no landline phone at his house and he doesn't get reception and therefore I can't contact him easily if there is an emergency. I don't know that he would be receptive to hearing these things from me right now, but he might from a 3rd party.
Ahoy- I can think of literally 1,000 things I would rather do. However, I'm going to have to co-parent with him for the next 15 years, and the situation right now is not good. I'm wiling to give anything a try that might improve things for my daughters.
Raliced, I hope your H can find his way to set aside your R/M issues and figure out how to be a good dad. I agree with you that the counseling could be a good thing to help him along with this. Hang in there. How was your weekend?
The adultery was one thing, but swearing up and down that he wasn't living with OW, when in fact he moved in with her immediately and then had displays of physical affection with her in front of the kids is kind of a big one for me.
This. So this. I don't get why people treat others this way and lie about stuff that is SO OBVIOUS. It boils my blood that they think we're too stupid to piece together what's going on.
I got "I only cheated once and it was over a year ago" to "I'm not leaving you for anyone else; this is about me working on me" to "I'm sleeping with her but we're not in an R" to "No, I'm not going to move her in when you move out; is that what you want me to do, to prove you right?" to OW herself telling me she gave up her apartment to move in with him and they're buying a house together.
In some ways, it'd be easier if they just owned up to it if they're going to do it anyway. Ugh.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
STBX came by the house this morning. Had a longer than usual hand off, because I had to explain all the stuff about the kids illnesses, medications etc. Fun times talking about all the liquids that come out of small children's bodies. Also had to explain that it is now necessary to stack kitchen chairs in front of the refrigerator, because the flatulent, snoring, partially housebroken rottweiler that he rescued 5 months before BD and then left behind, has figured out how to open it. Tally so far is a Costco sized bag of cheese, 3 sticks of butter and all the kids cheese sticks. What can I say, the dog loves her dairy! And lest anyone get the wrong idea - I do love her despite the smells, noises and bad manners. While I am always a little stunned that STBX left behind all the pets, I'm glad to have them all.
Anyway - It was STBX that was on fire to file for this divorce. Now that I'm on board with it, he seems to have completely checked out. He hired a lawyer to file the original paperwork. Then we came to agreement on everything and now his lawyer is supposed to be drawing up the papers. Considering the simplicity of our agreement, the lawyer is sure taking his time and whenever I ask a question about the status, STBX has no idea what's going on. It's as though now he has put all this in motion, he just wants to put his head in the sand and pretend its not happening. Well, He's responsible for paying all costs of the divorce, since it was his bright idea, so I guess if he doesn't care about the hourly rate that's being racked up, its his problem.
I also set up an online calendar to facilitate communication. He said he would load his schedule into it ASAP....3 weeks ago.
Bah!
I know this sounds like venting, and it probably is. STBX used to be pretty timely and responsible. I guess I wonder if this is the new permanent state of affairs or if it will improve? Time will tell I guess.
raliced, This is exactly what I am dealing with! WAW HAD to have papers done and everything official before the end of the year. We are less than 2 weeks away from that and I have seen the second revision and that is it. Nothing signed, no court date. I too made sure I was paying non of the fees. The lawyer is representing her, not me.
WAW has lost : Garmin cord, S13 dress clothes, CD full of pictures, ipod, ipad, 3 chargers, receipts for clothes I want to help pay for, original papers we wrote out for our agreement, my moms recipe book... on top of missing christmas program, 2 basketball games, 2 drop offs/exchanges, deadline for ordering fundraiser for class trip, deadline for ordering "school spirit" clothes, and let s10 go 3 days with no money in his lunch account. Like your STBX she was once timely and responsible. Personally I think it will improve. It has to, right?
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
My second H and I separated very amicably. The paperwork was drafted and I was happy to file.
H asked me not to file for a while as he had started an R with a lovely lady but didn't want to encourage "commitment". I thought it was sad but I filed anyway.
Some exes may want to deflect an over enthusiastic OP and others may want to hang on and yet others may have mixed reasons. Who cares, if we want M then there is no need to hurry the D (financial interests notwithstanding). In my case I could see no reason to delay especially if H2 was manipulating. None of my business.
Regards Vanilla
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Vanilla - I'm not in a hurry to be divorced, but I would like the details finalized. I consider moving out with an affair partner two weeks after beginning a relationship with her to be erratic behavior. Given that, I'm always a little worried that STBX will turn jerk-y. I can make ends meet with the financials that we have agreed to (keep my house), and most importantly I can live with the custody split. I think it is highly unlikely he would go back and try to change things after its been filed an blessed by a judge, because that would involve more lawyers fees for him. Just to be clear - there is still a waiting period here as well (looks like April at this point).
I doubt he's intentionally delaying (although I'm pretty confident the original filing was done at behest of OW). When I think about it, he's just someone who tends to blindly put faith in the "professionals".
Bdub- sounds like you have it worse than I do with the forgetfulness and that your W's brain is pretty foggy right now. I'm sure it does get better. I was thinking about this last night. Yes, I've had to absorb some changes, but I still live in the same house, have close to the same routine, same relationships with friends and family etc. All that has changed for STBX - and be it midlife or something else - he's clearly in some kind of crisis. I'm sure it gets better!
