Card29 VII

[Card29]

Ss, I felt something you said yesterday, about just really needing WAS here sometimes. For you it was about your D7. For me, it was being thrown through a gauntlet of hoops with our home inspection. There was a moment yesterday where it looked like we'd actually lost this buyer, our first prospective one in 3 months on the market. I was just really down after fighting so hard, and over the previous 9 years, we would have shared the pain together, met for lunch on a workday, talked about something besides work or whatever was bothering us, etc. I exchanged some texts with her today, but they were just informative, updates. Not the same thing. Most of the time nowadays, I am truly fine on my own, but every once in a while there is still a gaping hole

I was thinking about my moment of weakness on our drive back to town on Sunday, when I half-hugged her. I think what led to it was a thought about something that happened exactly one year ago, on the same road. We were driving back from Thanksgiving at her mother's, same day of the week (Sunday after Thanksgiving). We got sleepy little D1 tucked into her car seat, night had just settled in, and the first flurries of the year started falling. We put on a Bing Crosby Christmas album, we smiled at each other, WAW curled over the console and held my hand, and we drove home. I still remembered the exit we passed when we started Bing Crosby, so when we passed it this past Sunday, it forced me into a flashback and yet another "I can't believe this last year really happened" thought. I forgot to thought-dodge, which led to the spiral.

Somehow, I didn't remember the end of that drive last year...us hitting a coyote and getting stranded 1 hour from home at 1:00 am (busted radiator)! I just remembered that as I was typing out that last paragraph lol

[Card29]

I was looking through emails from last December looking for a file, and I found several emails from WAW from when I was on a business trip to Europe. First time I'd ever been away from her that long. She said several times how much she missed me, how she wished she was with me, how i was her favorite person in the world. It's not making me go crazy one way or the other like it would have a couple of months ago, it just makes me smile knowing I'm not crazy or imagining that we were in a fantastic place a year ago. Who knows if we'll ever get back to that, but it reminds me of MWD's words: believe none of what you hear and half of what you see. In this case, the words I don't believe are "I haven't loved you in a long, long time" (I haven't heard those words since July, though).

Hope everyone is having a good night. I'm enjoying the warmth of my living room while it's wet and nasty outside.

One current note about WAW: today she texted me a picture of herself in clothes she just got from her mom, which actually fit her new slim figure. Her note: "My mom gave me some pants and skirts when I was there. Workin it." I just said, ":) you look great."

I've been sneaking in compliments about her figure and her motherhood (her #1 insecurity) for a few weeks now, always prompted by an opportunity she gives me.

[Card29]

On Ss06's thread (#9), we talked about her stages of PMA. I outlined them like this:

Stage 1: Sad, resentful

Stage 2: Slow build up to PMA

Stage 3: Healthy PMA (including believing that WAH is a fool to file)

Stage 4: PMA + Mindreading/assuming/daydreaming

Stage 5: You notice cracks in your dream

Stage 6: Crash to Stage 1

Then I realized over the weekend that I go through the exact same stages. I had a great PMA for a week or two. Then yesterday, WAW was texting me a lot. Told me "sorry, I'm not going to make it to church" (we haven't met there together in a couple of months, at least...). Told me she was feeling sick, was laying down, just woke up, "how are you?", etc. I saw all of that as positive signs because there was no necessary reason for her to contact me. I had D2 until this morning. Stage 4, here I come! Then BAM, Stage 5. It turns out she thought she was scheduled to get D2 yesterday, so she was contacting me to let me know she couldn't take her in the morning, then she couldn't in the afternoon because she was laying down, then she asked how I was doing to make sure I was okay with D2 for the night. Blah, Stage 1. I quickly made progress through a lot of Stage 2, though. Watching the old How the Grinch Stole Christmas with D2 for the first time (after reading her the book a couple of times) helped tremendously.

[Ss06]

I get it, Card, you know I do!

Here's my theoretical fix.

It comes down to "you're already dead". I forget who said it first... Starsky, I think but it's based on one of the hard-core, die-hard soldiers in Band of Brothers when asked how he's not taken down by the horror of war and how he goes into each situation grounded, solid and without doubt... It's because he sees himself as already dead. If you're dead (divorced), you can't be killed. Live that way and everything falls into place.

So, how woukd you live if you were already divorced? Let's face it, that old marriage is G.O.N.E. OVER. There's no revving it at this point. You can only hope for a new marriage... With the same woman. But since you can't predict the future and you can only control you...

Then...
You're already dead.

Be the man who lives after he has already decided he is dead. You can't be killed, Card.

Go into each day living as if you're already divorced. Face that reality.

I'll admit, because I'm so good at preparing for the worst, I sometimes will allow the feeling of him saying, after all this time, "i still want a divorce, it's what's best for me". I just sit and imagine the feelings of that rake over. It's alarming really. I start to sweat, hyperventilate, panic, cry, worry... But I'll admit, it's better now than when I imagined that reality 5 months ago.

We have the power to change our stages. We can do it together.

How about this:

STAGE 1: sad, scared, resentful

STAGE 2: slow build to PMA

STAGE 3: healthy PMA with a grounded understanding that you're already dead, your marriage is put away, like way up in the attic... Maybe even at an off-site storage facility.

STAGE 4: posting, journaling, reaching out, positive self talk, encouraging others (this helps me say things to lift others up that I actually need to hear myself, much like this very post!!!)

STAGE 5: daydream about YOU, your life with D, things you want to maintain about you (things you like and want to foster and cultivate)

STAGE 6: crash to stage 1.

The trick, I think, is to realize your natural trends and alter them with purpose and consciousness.

Nothing about this journey becomes routine, I'm finding. It takes being awake and conscious all the time, lest you trip onto a hole and can't get out... And often we put ourselves into that hole because of our thinking.

The mind is a powerful thing but I do know this: thoughts create but daydreaming is not thinking. Stay grounded on your path. Watch out for snakes, holes but don't forget to notice the flowers, too.

[Card29]

Thanks for the awesome words, Ss. You've grown so much since I first saw you on here.

I don't think I've really honestly considered myself dead yet. I know the old marriage is over, I just haven't conceded that last step. And yes, I know that it doesn't mean to give up on a future with W, but I still haven't went there 100%. I have considered that moment, of course. Sometimes I feel anger, other times (when I'm feeling really good about myself and my future) I feel peace.

I also agree and am still surprised that there is no routine in this journey, even with the cycles. Every one feels different. There's no doubt I feel much better than I did over the summer or early fall, but that doesn't mean I don't have times of pure misery anymore.

Today is WAW's 30th bday. I chatted with her about it a bit last night. She's out to dinner with friends tonight. I hate the fact that I'm not celebrating with her. I was her partner, best friend, supporter, cheerleader for all of her 20's, 100x's more than anyone else in her life. To this day I have moments when I think I'm about to wake up from a dream. Six months after BD!

[Card29]

So I'm having dinner tonight at WAW's to talk about the details of the house sale, final moving, cancelling services for the house, splitting finances, etc. She also put on the agenda "discuss future plans". Not sure what that means but I have a sinking feeling about it. She has given no indication lately that she is leaning towards the M. And today I was telling her about my aunt's recent S from her H (married only a year), and I said it is "getting uggggly". She said, "Can we not let that be us?" which I mindread (yes, I know) to mean, "Can we not let that be us as we begin the D process?"

Trying to let go of those fears and get through the day

[Card29]

At WAW's apt right now. She's doing something on the computer with student loans. We haven't talked about "future plans" yet but I'm fearing the worst

[T384]

Wishing you the best

Try to remain calm. Remember you can't change her mind only she can but your actions can help or hinder you.

If future plans means her bringing up D.. She's expecting you to react a certain way. Why not flip the coin and be cool calm and collected, 'W you know this is not what I want but I will not get in the way of you finding your way to being happy'

[Card29]

She wants a divorce

[Ss06]

(((((Card))))))

This doesn't alter your path.

Continue to be the Card you are learning to be. Make yourself proud.

Your D is watching and learning about the future love of her life through you, your actions and reactions.

This doesn't define you.