So, on our 19th anniversary, my wife informed me that she is involved with another person and is conflicted. We have 2 children, a 9 year old and a 5 year old. She says she loves this person and wants the freedom to have an affair with her. This was never on our radar and never discussed and I said no.
Needless to say, I was blindsided, incredibly hurt, furious, all of the above. I told her she had to move out in October which she joyfully did. I thought move out meant a hotel room, but she really moved out.
She continues to see the affair partner but it is a relationship that she claims did not end our marriage. It just helped her to see how "broken and unsatisfying" our marriage really was. She claims she has not been happy for years. She admits that it was a shitty way to handle it, but she should have left me years ago.
My life has been turned upside down, I am in shock, can't eat, sleep or function well. She seems to relish all of my misery too. I have made the mistakes of begging, we can work this out, our marriage is stronger than this, please don't do this to the children, etc...
I honestly thought our marriage was good, we had some normal marriage issues, but nothing that indicated this. She claims I was not emotionally there for her, shut her out etc.... While I could have been more attentive to her, I was home every night and we were living our normal lives and I was happy. She now says she needed more.
Her affair partner she met at work, is also married with two kids who is conflicted about her marriage too. The affair partner was apparently in an open relationship which is what this whole situation started as.
What advice to any board members give? I have flailed, been suicidal, and now just am numb. What are my options now? Just go dark? File for divorce? She doesn't want me to file for divorce, not to make anything permanent. This tells me she just wants her cake and wants me to be the back up. I don't think I am even the back up at this point, she told me to just watch her walk away and there is nothing I can do.
Heart broken and dumped.
P.S. I was advised to post this to the newcomers board, so you may see this again under Walk Away Wife section too - sorry
Me - 50 Wife - 43 S - 9 D - 5 Married 19 years Bomb - Sept 2014 Wife move out - Oct 2014 Status - Separated Dec 2014
I am working on being the best parent (we are a lesbian couple) I can be. I am spending way more time with my kids and their school projects, play time, play dates, birthday parties, laundry, etc... I can honestly say I am better and more involved parent now. I have a better relationship with both of my kids.
No, everything she says is not gospel, I know that. She does love being in charge and telling me what to do however. She has told me that she has been unhappy for years and now that she has her affair partner, she has the courage to leave. WTF. I have spent our 19 year relationship/marriage trying to make her happy so that really hurts.She actually said "enjoy watching me leave". Why does it have to be so hateful and mean?"
I can control only me and am keeping all communication short and business like. We were communicating via texts, emails, phone calls, and a flurry of half baked communication which led to frustration and confusion. Communicating via emails prevents me from losing my cool which is a positive step. I have requested we only email now. That feels like I am more in control and can communicate more effectively. She is also mad that we argued and fought pretty awfully when she told me that she was having an affair. Isn't that how everyone reacts when they are told their wives are having affairs?
I can't control her or her affair. I hate every single aspect of that situation but it is out of my hands. I admit I am a jealous person. I can't control that she is living in an apartment and away from the family.
I am working on being more social and have joined meetup. I am forcing myself to get out of the house and do things that I enjoy, either with friends or by myself. I am learning to face my fears about trusting myself and putting myself out there more. It is hard for me as I have paid 100% attention to my wife and family and making our life work (bills, career, etc...). She of course has lots of friends and has no problems socializing.
Together 19 years 9 year S 5 year old D Bomb Dropped - Sept 2014 Affair with OW - Sept 2014 Moved Out - Oct 2014 Status - Separated Dec 2014
OK - I have moved my situation to the Newbies section. Thanks for the advice
I forced myself to go to a Christmas party last night and just mingled. It felt very weird and I was out of place - at least it felt that way to me. I stayed for about an hour and then left.
I am trying hard to GAL outside of my wife and family.
My wife set up a family calendar - I was adding items to it and i saw he AP had posted a meet up with my wife on it. Of course my wife accepted it. GD. I emailed my wife to only use our family calendar for our personal family business. I am furious about this latest breach of trust.
Together 19 years 9 year S 5 year old D Bomb Dropped - Sept 2014 Affair with OW - Sept 2014 Moved Out - Oct 2014 Status - Separated Dec 2014
I am sorry to find you here under those circumstances. I am a gay woman and I am here to say "hi."
We have had some gay women post here...the latest one was RealityTrip (RT) who successfully reconciled with her W. Maybe our friend, Cadet, can pull up RT's old threads and post them here.
There's another gay woman here does only very brief fly-bys and her name is StubbornDyke (aka SD or Stubborn). A very wise person indeed.
So tonight I went to a funeral for a family friend. Of course my wife was there and I was friendly but distant. I did not try to initiate any conversation, I did not sit with her.
This was hard and she seemed to having a really good time, laughing and yucking it up. I did my darndest to not look at her. It sucked.
