you are correct about me being confused by these threads. I dont know what they mean and am not sure where to post - Newbie? Walk Away Wife? Infidelity?
[NAJ1964]What advice to any board members give? I have flailed, been suicidal, and now just am numb. What are my options now? Just go dark? File for divorce? She doesn't want me to file for divorce, not to make anything permanent. This tells me she just wants her cake and wants me to be the back up. I don't think I am even the back up at this point, she told me to just watch her walk away and there is nothing I can do.[/quote]
I take it that you don't want a divorce. Then don't do any paperwork nor file. We all advise LBS here not to do the D paperwork. The onus for filing for D needs to be squarely on the WAS' shoulders. If they want it bad enough, they've got to do the legwork.
We work with WAS here to give them scripts on proper boundary setting. It is very clear that you are not okay with your W having an affair which means you are not willing to live in an open M.
We've worked with HPoirot very closely on proper boundary setting and he's doing a bang good job of it & enforcing it.
I am going to link HP's first thread to get you started on how we all worked with him on proper boundary setting and enforcing it (this did not occur until maybe 2nd or 3rd thread). HPoirot's First Thread
Here's one script that I gave to Dev over in the Infidelity thread:
I want to be clear on some things. One is that I do not want a divorce, but will not stand in your way should you choose to continue on this path. Two, I am not willing live in an open marriage with a third party.
We will not be friends should you decide to proceed with a D. Make no mistake -- if you choose to end our marriage this way, by continuing your affair with OM. It is incredibly disrespectful to me, to our marriage and our family. We will co-parent our children, and I will of course be civil and courteous, but this isn't how 'friends' treat each other.
Going forward starting now, as long as you are involved in an affair with the OM, our communication only be focused on the logistics of the children's schedules, their issues, and exchanges. We have some decisions to make here. When you’re ready, please let me know your thoughts.
Jan, I do not think you are ready for this step yet. Because I sense that you are feeling emotionally fragile...I can understand that. Stating a boundary and being prepared to enforce it takes a TON of cojones. Trust me, please do not take this step yet until you feel a bit more centered and eating more etc.
There's another ball of wax: Gay women with OWs. A different animal altogether. Let me explain my reasons for thinking this way.
For straight people in A's, it is a combination of emotional connection (from the WAW) and the sexual pull (from the WAH). Which is why boundary setting is usually quite successful with straight affair partners.
In my view, it is MUCH, MUCH harder when it comes to two women because women thrive on emotional connection. Here you have a powerful potent mix of two women coming together and have a deep emotional affair that is the bonding chemical. Although I am clear that they are operating on PEAS...what I call dopamine or addiction.
Whatever the situation, DB advises to focus on GALing and making 180 changes for YOU. After all, you are the one that will be living with those changes and better damned be comfortable with it for the rest of your life. Not as a ploy or tactic to "win" back your W, Jan.
To me, I think you will benefit the MOST in reading from RT's threads and learning more about her approach.
In short, GALing is essential in the detachment area which is why we constantly hammer this point home to newbies.
You are correct - I do not want a divorce. I want my wife back and my family entact. I am not willing to live in an open marriage, that is why why wife and I are living apart. She is mad that I "made" her leave.
I will continue to work on me - not as any tactics to get my wife to come to her senses. what really [censored] is that my wife and I have two little kids and so does the AP - she has two little kids. That makes 4 kids who are going to suffer the consequences of this f*cked up drama that is my life.
I will read the link for HPoirot boundry setting right now.
Thank you for your detailed reply - it is very helpful for me to know there are others who have gone through this and that you are willing to talk me through this. I appreciate you Wonka and Cadet so very much.
I think my WAW is bi polar too. Her mom is, her sister is, her aunt is and so it her Uncle. But her, noooooooo. When I bring it up she gets really mad at me. But she has the classic symptoms and the family history. I can only do so much and at the end of the day, it's their issue to resolve or not.
My mother and daughter are both bipolar.
My mother completely denies it and has been on meds for 60 years. My daughter totally accepts her diagnosis and is totally responsible for her mental health.
I will say that normal mental illness response is denial. I wish that it wasn't but that has been my experience.
My mother completely denies it and has been on meds for 60 years. My daughter totally accepts her diagnosis and is totally responsible for her mental health.
I will say that normal mental illness response is denial. I wish that it wasn't but that has been my experience.
Best to just learn to listen.
Yep. My father is bipolar. He says it's a "label he's been unfairly given." Not really med compliant in the first 20 years of diagnoses, but has been better about it in the last 10 years. Still denies, most of the time that he's ill.
I have a good shot at triggering bipolar. I've made a promise to myself that I will accept the diagnoses and be responsible for my mental health as well.
Agree with you Cadet, it's just best to learn and listen.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
I see that you've posted a "new" thread title asking questions about your situation. It would be REALLY helpful to keep posting them right here IN YOUR OWN THREAD so people like me and others can find you quickly and easily to offer support.
Me again - sorry to be so chatty this morning, but I've a lot on my mind.
My WAW said at the beginning of this nightmare she wanted me to "fight for my marriage". That is confusing - what does that even mean?
1. Does it mean - going to MC?
2. Does it mean - working on me? I think this is really what it means. If so, this translates into being more present with my kids, living more in the present and acknowledging the good things in my life, being more emotionally available (this is hard for me - wtf does this really mean? I am guessing listening and validating her each time we interact).
How do I know she even knows I am working on me unless I tell her? She has moved out, how does she see/know of any changes?
3. Does it mean - going dark?
If I could get some clear examples of what "working on my marriage" really means, that would be helpful.
I will come back here later and respond. I really need to dash out the door for an haircut and some errands.
Threaded means posting under the same topic? Sorry but don't have a lot of experience with threaded discussion boards. I will try to figure this out and post under the same thread.
