Maybell XXIV

[Maybell]

I have used grace HERE but not necessarily with my H.

This has been running through my mind a lot in the last few weeks. How easy I find it to be a great person around other people and how hard I find it to be that person around him. I want to change that.

I guess I'll get through the holidays and try to continue acclimating to this new working mom lifestyle and let that percolate in the back of my mind. There are clearly things about him or my experience of him that hurt me a lot, or brought up old hurts, and those need to be dealt with. No matter whether he & I reconcile or not.

I am really tired and I'm finding it difficult to backburner him. I'm trying. But the more tired I am the more he pops up. And of course because of Christmas I'm going to have to spend too much time with and on him and that makes it all harder. Believe me, I'm trying to let him go. But it doesn't feel real.

It doesn't feel impossible to reconcile when he's around, why is that?

[Maybell]

I keep forgetting that there's a purpose to the space I asked for. It's not to make him miss me. It's to help me pull myself together. I need to focus on that.

Sorry I've been so wordy lately. I want to be better. I keep tripping over myself.

I hate this.

[SunnyB]

I have used grace HERE but not necessarily with my H.

This has been running through my mind a lot in the last few weeks. How easy I find it to be a great person around other people and how hard I find it to be that person around him. I want to change that.

Maybell, let me throw something out there. Take it or leave it as you need to right now.

I see grace and detachment as going hand in hand. I believe I'm a little more detached from my H than you are yours. And I believe I've shown him a good deal of grace, especially surrounding the S. It's much easier to show grace when your life doesn't hang on the outcome. I asked H if he had a preference which "other" weekend he took D12. He did, of course, because it meshes with the duck's schedule. I could have not asked, I could have made a stink about which weekend was mine, but truth is, I don't care. I could have tried to make it hard on him, keep him away from the duck, tried to control it all, but I didn't. Maybe that's stupid, maybe that's showing grace. I choose to see it as the latter.

I think when you are able to detach more, the grace will come more naturally. But for now, you are doing great!

[claire7]

Rpp, I needed to hear this. Thanks.

[labug]

I give myself a B-

Why grade at all? Give yourself a break.

At one point he asked about a budget for the kids to buy something for each other, but because one of the kids burst into the room at the exact moment he was talking I misheard and thought he was asking about gifts for each other. I snapped "well we were living together then" and he corrected my misunderstanding. So I had to apologize for that. Not good.

What's not good about it? You misunderstood, made a false assumption, apologized. I think that's good.

I said he could come over in the morning for the present time and stay till around lunch. He asked if we wanted to go to dinner on Christmas Eve and I didn't know how to answer, but one of the kids burst in at that time so I didn't answer. Also not great.

Again, why not great? Think about it and bring it up with him when you have an answer.

Learn to say, "Let me think about that," or "I'm sorry, I'm not understanding. Can you repeat?" or "I heard <paraphrase>. Is that correct?"

It took me a long time to slow the conversation down and learn to listen. to. hear.

I want to go back to the P/A comment I made. Most people don't try to be P/A, it's what we've learned to use in an attempt to get what we need but still protect ourselves from being hurt. It rarely works that way but sometimes we sleepwalk through life.

If we don't ask for what we need, we can always blame the other person for not getting it, not divining our needs. We have a ready scapegoat for unexpressed anger.

Have you ever written out all the things you're angry about in your marriage? All the things you're angry abut with your father? It might be helpful as a starting point. I don't mean here, but in your journal. It would be a good thing then to start with your new IC in the New Year.

((( )))

[Maybell]

Could this be the low that happens before the next level of detachment? Or is it just the holidays?

before, when I kept exploding at him (and it really hasn't been SO long that I've stopped doing that) I felt this compulsion to connect with him. Now I miss being connected TO him but I'm not feeling the same compulsion. Just a deep sadness and missing him. I had a dream several weeks ago that he'd locked himself into a room and he could hear me banging but he couldn't get out because he didn't want to get up from his chair. And so I had to walk away from the room where he was because there was no point in hanging out in the hallway. But I felt sad, leaving him locked in that room with nothing but a video game.

My dreams are very clear. Lol.

Our conversation last night was frustrating to me because I've enjoyed thinking of what the kids would like and what they need for Christmas. And then he came over and was talking almost in terms of quotas and lists, and what could have been this excited planning was mechanical, conducted in an undertone because the kids weren't following directions and he didn't want to wait any longer (and never took his jacket off).

I want my Christmas to be as great as my Thanksgiving was. If this is how he experiences family life it's no wonder he doesn't want to be in one.

Is it my fault this is what it feels like to him? Probably partly. I put so much pressure on myself to make the magic happen that it wasn't always very enjoyable. His family is like that too, though, so it's not all me.

I want this year to be different. Also I don't want to be hanging out in the hallway knocking on a door that will never open.

I read some of that detachment thread today and it has given me a lot to think about. And I'll do Labug's anger exercise. I think, though, that at the end of the day the best thing I could do is to live my life heart forward like I want to, living a life that's as full of meaning and joy as I can foster.

One last thing... I came home this evening to a D11 who was kicking and yelling and fussing about ridiculous things. I kept my boundaries strong and then out of nowhere she stopped and hugged me and told me a whole list of unrelated things that had frustrated her. It was like a miracle.

I can learn!! I can change and grow. Now... Can I manifest that even to my H who is not really my husband?

[Maybell]

Small win tonight.

H wants us to put all the Christmas gifts into a shared Google doc to coordinate the purchases. He created one and shared it around 9 this morning. I looked at it this evening after I got the kids put to bed and felt like all the little elves had been knifed in the gut. It was not very specific (his said things like "book, tbd") on the gift but excruciatingly specific on the who.

It comes down to... I don't want to do it and I don't see the purpose of it. If he wants to do it to feel organized that's fine. I don't. Which should also be fine since we live apart. Shouldn't it? So I sent him a very carefully considered email thanking him for putting it together, validating an idea he'd shared last night that I had objected to (I had a good reason and I tried to say he could do it at his house but I didn't want it to be for my house), telling him a few of my plans and some key things the kids had requested, and asking if we needed to do the spreadsheet.

I got a pretty terse reply back, and I started to get upset, but then I remembered my dream of the locked door, the detachment stuff, and that I'm already dead. And I realized, I can't control his responses. I can't make him remember why it's worthwhile to work things out. If he can't get there on his own I will be better off than strapped to an emotional dead weight.

And I feel better. A lot better, actually. I just have to keep remembering those things. The door is locked and he doesn't want to open it. Detachment means he is his own person and that's a good thing. I'm already dead... And I'm still ok.

Oh, I almost forgot, for those who've been patient enough to follow me since June... He's asked for a Kindle for Christmas. (He'd asked for a $200 Jawbone for his birthday 10 weeks after he moved out) From "the kids." Yeah, no. Same principles will apply for Christmas as for his birthday.

[SunnyB]

Maybell, you sound good today! Strong! Keep it up!

[labug]

Again MB, I'm confused. You want him to be involved but when he tries, it's just not good enough.

Or that's what I'm seeing. I'm trying not to be overly critical, really, but when I read that he'd made this google doc, my heart rose up, "Look at this guy, trying to coparent and share with MB."

Then BLAM!

What gives, girl?

[Maybell]

I don't know.

Maybe it's a matter of style?

I enjoy giving gifts and I got a lot of pleasure from planning things I thought people would love. I always wanted him and me to share that. Exploring together, talking about what would be fun and unexpected. And he saw it as a chore and a materialistic thing and resisted even being involved.

To put the spreadsheet together feels to me like getting through a chore. It's worse than being alone because now I feel like I have to justify every little thing. there's a price list on there. It feels the opposite of creative and loving. It's like making a to do list. And that's not how I want to be.

I take your point, though.

His reply to me was that he didn't want to make things worse and that he was worried that everything be eve and that there wasn't any perceived competition. This morning I asked him if he was worried about competition between the kids or them seeing competition between us. I haven't heard back yet.

It is also true that I'm struggling to see anything he does positively because I have 't forgiven him for really anything yet. I guess that should be my Advent practice.

Thank you, Master Yoda. I wish I was better.