still holding on - 5

[T-Mom]

Hey, U-turn. Again, I am by no means an expert, but those texts from her make you look like you are in control. She is the one with all the words there, and I think you said what you needed to say and put the ball in her court.

[u-turn]

It is a little unusual that she would try to say so many words and try with so many texts.

I was short with her because of circumstances. I do not feel in control nor detached. Kind of panicky right now and I don't even know why.

I am somewhat accepting that my M is over and should just move on to restore sanity. I have a feeling she will try to be nice to me to make this one instance go away. To me that just covers up and doesn't deal with the real troubles - I have seen this pattern.

[T-Mom]

The best advice I can give you is not to do anything right now. Wait until you hear from someone on here that has more knowledge and experience than I. I am going through some hell of my own right now, so maybe we can hang in there together...

[u-turn]

Thanks T-Mom. I am sorry that you are here. Hang in there.

Nothing was mentioned about this conversation last night or this morning. This is not unusual, she will sweep it away and I will not bring it up and the cycle continues.

Does she think that I have forgotten about this or anything this year?

I don't think it is prudent to revisit and talk about all of the things that make me not trust her - it seems to be a score card. I am not looking to be re-payed or win anything. I just want to start again - but I know this is up to her. She seems to be looking for a script from me (what do you want me to say?). I don't want to tell her because she will repeat it back to me and I probably won't believe it. I don't know how to rebuild trust.

I was at my kids swim meet last night (I love watching them swim), when I got home she had a story from work and she went to bed - she looked exhausted. I did some work and went to bed a little later. I am so exhausted by this.

She is planning on leaving her job on Mar 1 to go to another facility. This is a move away from OM, but that is not what is driving the change. I know that this does not solve anything, but I certainly couldn't hurt. I wish it could happen quicker.

[T-Mom]

I think you are right about the script, but let her lead the conversations. You can't go backwards, so revisiting doesn't sound like a good plan. I also think that the onus is on her to start building trust, right? I mean, all you can do is be open to it, given that she is trustworthy. That's the key... The trustworthiness part is on her.

[u-turn]

I'm spiraling a little today. I took some time off today from my teaching job to work on projects for my business and cannot get myself to focus.

This morning I told W that I wasn't going in to school today because I had some meetings. I was trying to be a little mysterious with it - even though it hasn't gone well with that plan in the past. She was agitated by this (that I didn't mention this before - even though it has no affect on her). I knew it would bother her, but didn't care. I still made the kids lunches and took them to school.

I received a text from her later -
w:we are not getting to a point that we can open up to each other. you do not talk to me.
me (way too much and big step back ): I would love for our lives and marriage to be healthy and normal again. I do not like communicating or being this way.

later she asked me about gifts for D14 and S17 like everything's cool.

I know she wants more regular communication. I just have a hard time with it because I am thinking of the issues too much.

I am having a hard time being consistent.

[T-Mom]

u-turn,
You ....are definitely NOT alone in backstepping... or spiraling, for that matter!

[u-turn]

It seems like the very minute I pull way back, she moves in my direction.

I say - Hi, goodbye-have a good day, how was your day?, and talk about the kids. That's about it - it's not what I want, but I think I need to stay back. I'm friendly but quiet - but not quiet with kids - I want to be noticeably fun with them - I usually try to be.

She is so up and down with her moods. Yesterday morning, I swore she was going to kill me. Verbally hostile. I told her to stop being disrespectful and walked away. We ended up spending most of the day together watching the kids swim meets - I talked to her very little. She knows I am not interacting with her much.

Ironically, she does not seem to trust me, I see evidence that she still checks my phone and computer. If I were an expert mind reader, I think she suspects that I am planning our D. She seems to be stressing about how I am spending my time and what I am doing with money, but she just won't ask me - I'd tell her as I have nothing to hide.

then

Today she made me breakfast (unusual) and asked me if I wanted a haircut(unusual), asked about Christmas decorations, and future plans (vacation) and some house things. I just don't get it. I am trying to stay level and low through all of this, but as I do that she pursues more.

She's playing me - I know. I wish I didn't think she was doing this on purpose.

I am focusing on not initiating any type of conversation that would be considered about R, moods, fights, trust, future. Just ignore it all.

I am basically ignoring her talks about future things and the house - though I want to push it back at her and ask if we should care about any of that.

I am feeling a little more focused and upbeat today.

[T-Mom]

I honestly don't know how you are still doing this. I am about to go out of my mind, at this point. I am very glad you are feeling better!

[u-turn]

Well - a couple christmas parties coming up for W. She'll be spending the nights away.

I know what this has meant before, I know she has lied to me before when she has stayed the night for business. I know the consistent lies and avoidance of any story makes me not trust her.

I have not forgotten - I wish I have. Does she think that I believed her lies or have forgotten? - I don't know. She hasn't even asked me to trust her. I don't even know if she thinks that this should be addressed - she doesn't seem to care how I feel. I feel like a fool just thinking about this.

This will be a test for me. I know I shouldn't ask her anything about this. I know I shouldn't remind her of the lies she has told me. This will be a tough one.

I don't know for certain what her status is with me or OM - only my strong feelings that this isn't going to be good.

What can I do? I will try to block these thoughts out. Act strong. Act as though it is all fine. Will this make her think that I am accepting it? I've stated my boundaries - will she test them?

I know thes are all what-ifs, but I haven't been in this position for a while.