What were some of the complaints from W about you and the M?
What were some of the issues that you feel you contributed to the breakdown of the M?
The M did not break down by itself. It did very gradually and then bam! The WAS is off with the OW/OM. Please remember that the OW did not cause the breakdown of your M, but just a symptom.
Take our your magnifying glass and take a hard look at your part in the breakdown because it is the only person that you can control and fix: YOU.
Keep coming here and we will circle around you to lend you support and some slapstick comedy! By golly, we've got to laugh sometimes because, otherwise, we'd lose it while we are in dark times.
Thank you for the validation cheat sheet. I will study it and use it during my next conversation with my wife.
Wife Complaints
You were not emotionally there for me You made me feel taken for granted I felt like your property You did not help out with our kids
All of these just sting the hell out of me. Yes, I admit I could have been more emotionally available and loving. I could have been more involved with our kids. Her grandmother died recently and I only found out now that she wanted me to be there. I just did not read her mind. She felt that all she was good for was cooking and taking care of our kids, she also works full time.
I avoid conflict and in doing so, I chose not to fight with her, I thought that's what good spouses do, they don't argue or fight. Now I see it as a cop out, I should have shared my feelings with her more - even argued with her to demonstrate I am a real person, actively engaged in our marriage and family. I bought us a mini van which she complained she did not like. I honestly thought she was joking - who does not like a new Honda Odyssey? Apparently she was not joking and felt this was my decision slammed down her throat. Again, she did not feel heard and now I can fully appreciate that. She did not like it that I was always looking for a better house, better job, etc.... She tells me now (in therapy) that my dissatisfaction made her feel "less than". I was only looking to improve the situation for our family - I had no idea it made her feel devalued. So many things I can see now and how she tried to tell me she was dissatisfied. I chalked them up to typical married life issues and treated them as if they were not serious. What a tragic mistake on my part.
Some issues that contributed are she felt my emotional attachment was to my family of origin and not to her. Yes, i do talk a lot to my Mom and brother. I did talk to her way more though. Again, she mentioned it in passing but I never ever thought it was a serious problem. My listening skills seem to be very lacking.
Our intimate life was always good - however sometimes a month or so went by in between. I thought our lack of frequency was due to being exhausted by work and life and I thought she felt the same way. Again I can see I was wrong. We did not make spending time together a priority - time together means - just the two of us, no kids.
Now that she has moved out, I do not know how to show her I "hear and see her" and how much I want her and our family life together.
I understand that the the OW is a symptom but what the hell am I supposed to do about it now? The OW claims to love my wife and I see nothing but rage. I am trying to let the affair burn out and be non judgemental but GD it is so hard. I am fearful that I have lost my wife and family for good.
Together 19 years 9 year S 5 year old D Bomb Dropped - Sept 2014 Affair with OW - Sept 2014 Moved Out - Oct 2014 Dec 2014 - still in contact with AP Status - Separated Dec 2014
I love your patient approach - you seem so calm which I what I need to hear right now. For the past several months, I have been in free fall and have flailed and done all the wrong things which have brought the predictable terrible results - screaming, it's 100% my fault, and pushed her further into the AP arms. I have tried to control the situation but realize i can't control anything except myself.
Today I did some good detaching and GAL
1. I volunteered and read to my little girls Kindergarten class 2. I volunteered to be a co troop leader for my little girls Browne class.
It would help a lot to read RT's threads...all of them. It shows how RT focused on herself and let her W go like a "puppy without a leash being curious with stuff on the other side while looking back at RT to check if she was still there."
Stay strong! We've got your back here. Ask any questions here and we will do our best to respond back to you.
I am bringing this over to YOUR thread, Jan. Please try to keep questions about your situation on your own thread instead of jumping around which makes it harder for us to keep track of you.
I am confused as to what I have on my hands, a walk away wife or a Midlife Crisis Wife. Does it matter in how I approach her or the situation?
On our 19th anniversary, my wife informed me that she is involved with another person and is conflicted. We have 2 children, a 9 year old and a 5 year old. She says she loves this person and wants the freedom to have an affair with her. This was never on our radar and never discussed and I said no.
Needless to say, I was blindsided, incredibly hurt, furious, all of the above. I told her she had to move out in October which she joyfully did. I thought move out meant a hotel room, but she really moved out.
She continues to see the affair partner but it is a relationship that she claims did not end our marriage. It just helped her to see how "broken and unsatisfying" our marriage really was. She claims she has not been happy for years. She admits that it was a shitty way to handle it, but she should have left me years ago.
My life has been turned upside down, I am in shock, can't eat, sleep or function well. She seems to relish all of my misery too. I have made the mistakes of begging, we can work this out, our marriage is stronger than this, please don't do this to the children, etc...
I honestly thought our marriage was good, we had some normal marriage issues, but nothing that indicated this. She claims I was not emotionally there for her, shut her out etc.... While I could have been more attentive to her, I was home every night and we were living our normal lives and I was happy. She now says she needed more.
Her affair partner she met at work, is also married with two kids who is conflicted about her marriage too. The affair partner was apparently in an open relationship which is what this whole situation started as.
What advice to any board members give? I have flailed, been suicidal, and now just am numb. What are my options now? Just go dark? File for divorce? She doesn't want me to file for divorce, not to make anything permanent. This tells me she just wants her cake and wants me to be the back up. I don't think I am even the back up at this point, she told me to just watch her walk away and there is nothing I can do.
By golly, we've got to laugh sometimes because, otherwise, we'd lose it while we are in dark times.