You can take time to think before deciding. You can decide to protect your feelings by interacting with her by phone, email, or a neutral place, to discuss Christmas plans. You can just listen at that time and say, i'd like to give that some thought, so you dont feel pressure to decide or argue at that time. Positive interactions are good. My h was not in an affair, he just wanted out, and we did a few christmas celebrations pretending nothing had changed. It seemed necessary to me at first, then it felt more authentic and honoring my feelings to abstain from the pretending. Now i am detached enough to be around him at holidays, so the kids see him, but everyone knows we are separated and i dont interact with him much. So i can relate to every option of handling christmas. The first one is just hard no matter what. Put your child's interest first if possible.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
What's any take on contacting my wife's OM's...wife? I know her and am not convinced that she knows what is happening with her husband (even though I have been told that's the case).
I have a guess at what the response will be but I have read a few other information sources that suggest it is a good idea "get it out in the open".
Feeling a little angry this evening, probably why I am suggesting this. Also taking another post to heart that my wife has changed so much, that she's the woman I married anymore. Am feeling right now, that she is a shallow core of what was once a great woman. I guess I am feeling angry from betrayal?
keep a positive attitude. be grateful for talking to her at all. mine is silent for six months. i have a gf and she may have bf. i dont know. would entertain a reunion but she is completely silent. it depressed me so hard at first. still have moments of sadness. GAL is for real. get stronger, go to the gym . be the stud she wants and she will have you all to herself soon enough
Thanks helpjim for the feedback. Sorry to hear not contact for six months. That seems crazy to me. Your last point "be the stud she wants and she will have you all to herself soon enough" is not clear to me. Are you suggesting she is coming back? I have spent most of my, thus far since finding DB, she is not and that I need to work on myself.
Met WAW tonight at mall to bring 2.5 YO D to see Santa. Sadly and to my surprise, D got scared and was not into it. She's been into Santa first two years, so feel like should take her for another try, maybe by myself.
To the point, I feel great. Wife was either acting ("only believe 50% of what you see or hear") or was on the verge of crying for a lot of the hour we were together (told her I could only stay so long due to other obligations). While sitting together at the play area, D off on her own, WAW asks if there is anything I was to talk about (?). I respond, "I want to talk about anything you want to talk about"...and waited, waiting to listen.
She was on the verge of saying (what started out as) "how hard this has been", and seemed to fight back tears. I said nothing. I sat there and looked toward her and waited. I wanted so badly to put my hand on her shoulder and say "...honey talk to me". I did not. She stopped and after several long seconds, we switched gears when I went to help our daughter, and not fall off one of the play structures.
She also said, while we were walking to the play area, "...you look really thin. Are you eating?" (I have been and continue to work on myself, watching what I eat, getting on the treadmill, and moving, no booze). I simply replied "I feel great". I do, physically. My weight is where I want it for the endurance sports I do, and I am very happy about that.
When it was time to go, I gave D a hug and kiss, told her to be good for mama, (D has been amazing) and left. No attempt to hug, kiss, or tell WAW "I love you". WAW called me back b/c I had D's lovie animals in my pocket, I walked back, handed them to my daughter and had one last glance at what looked like a sad WAW. I turned, walked away in the other direction and didn't look back.
I feel great. I have self respect and my pride. My head was held high. I feel like I scored the winning touch down in overtime. No texting or calls today either. I fell great.
What is worth pointing out, that even though we are on the beginning or what should be a very long road, each day we are separated the notion of not being with WAW gets easier to embrace. It is getting clearer and cleared that I am in love with my precious wife from a year or so ago and the one I "have" now is a shell of what was once an amazing woman. She made the choices that put us here. Our marriage was disconnected but that does not make what she did okay.
Now I am happily sitting in the living room of one of my very best amigos and enjoying my time with his family. I love being here. Tomorrow is work and then meeting a friend for coffee (or something) after. Saturday, I get to see my little #1 2.5 amazing daughter.
My priorities are #1 daughter #2 me #3 work.
Thank you for all of the information I have found that has given me the guidance so far. I feel confident in how I am handling our situation, have stuck by the rules...and it makes be feel better.
My dear wife of six years (together nearly 10) is having an EA and +PA with her boss (unclear how far they have gone). Suspected something was happening a few months ago, when she STOPPED talking about her boss, she always loved to talk about how 'great' he was. They had some issue at work where he stopped her from leaving their branch for a better job (career blocking) and it sounds like their friendship crossed the line sometime around then, in October. I began checking her phone and they were sending inappropriate text messages. She caught me looking on Nov 11, I confronted her, she admitted to the EA. She said she was sorry, did not cry that much, and I (of course) said things to her that I should not have said, “you are a home wrecker” (OM is father of two + married) “you’re risking your career” and “you are not thinking about your home and family” (we have an amazing 2.5 YO daughter). I was angry and upset. To my surprise she said she “didn’t know what to do”. She was very unhappy in our marriage.
We immediately started seeing a marriage councilor. We came to agreements, she would continue to work there but STOP the EA (or whatever it really is) even though I said it was a bad idea (to continue working there). She would tell the OM she was stopping. She was not committing to our marriage but was going to “try” and work on it (which know what I know now seems crazy to be okay with). We would make more time together and continue counseling once a week. I quickly took on responsibility for how she was feeling in the marriage and apologized during our first two sessions.
For about a week we had our ups and downs but there were some signs of improvement from her (almost no time on phone). We met with our priest. I met with another (older) couple from church for guidance. Less than two weeks later, after we spent a GREAT (most of) day together preparing for T-Giving, she said she had a work dinner to attend, which she had previously cancelled. I took care of our daughter that night and, she attended the “dinner” and then came home before eleven PM, and got into bed with me.
The following morning, she woke up and rolled over onto to me and held me, which she had not done in a long time. It made me feel positive. We had friends over to the house that night (party day before T-Giving) and as she began to drink, she would stare at me from across our kitchen. At first I thought it was “bedroom” eyes (we had been having sex right up to the confrontation but not since -- had been telling her I was hoping to be intimate again with her so would not loose that). However, the more she looked at me, the she seemed to be mad at me, like she had something to tell me. That night / morning (T-Giving day) I awoke her at 3 AM and asked her where she was the previous night. She told me she was with the OM. She also told me that they weren’t just hugging, but “making out” in his car and gestured to her chest when I asked her where he’s touched her. Then she said it…that she loved him. I had seen the text messages but it was really hard to hear her say it. We discussed / argued (a little) for a bit then I packed a bag and went to a hotel. I told her I could not be around her right now, even if it was Thanksgiving. I saw her the following Sunday at her parents (where she was staying with our D) and we agreed to separate. This was two weeks ago. I began doing research and found some great advice from DB. I bought the book and began reading it. Since we’ve been separated, I’m neck deep in the ‘180 method’ There have been a couple of emails from me, going back to when we separated. Neither email was gushy with pleading and begging to come home. We have spoken on the phone but only when she calls me. She has told me that ‘I can call her too, you know’. I am following the guide to the 180 when on the phone. I have stopped telling her I love her, unless she says it first and I reciprocate. For now, we are taking turns in our house, taking care of our daughter. She is at her parents or I am at my mothers or a friends, when not home. Since we have not been talking much (she’s been calling here and there) and when we do it is not about our situation, so I have no idea how she is or what she doing with the OM. Her friends have told me that she laid out what her life would be like if she were with him. She told her friends that she would wait six to twelve months before introducing anyone to him. I suspect he may make between five or ten times what I do, and I do okay for myself. She currently works full time but (indicated to her friends) that if they were together she would ‘not need to work anymore’.
I love my wife dearly. She is the love of my life. I have told her that I will be with until she divorces me, that these are her decisions and that one will be hers too. So we all understand how I feel, I chose my wife believing she would always be true to me and never do something like this, it was the biggest reason for marrying her. Now I am living in a nightmare because she is doing the one thing I always believed should would not. Understand I have not lived a sheltered life. I have been through and seen many horrific things. Yet this is the worst situation, by far, I have ever been in my life. I am also worried about her, a lot. The decisions she has made are way out of character for her and that makes me concerned. One of our friends even suggests drugs might be involved, which I don’t believe are, but that just shows how shocked everyone, including myself is.
Am I going about this the right way? I don’t want to loose my wife and break up our family. I have been through the DB section about how having a D doesn’t solves any problems in the relationship. We have a child together so there will always be a relationship.
Oh, I almost forgot one of the most interesting parts, my wife informed me (when we discussed intimacy with her OM) that he (told my wife) is a VIRGIN. He has been married for ten years and has two kids. My wife tells me they had their children via IVF assistance. I don’t know what to make of this other than only two possibilities – (1) he is lying to her to get her into bed or (2) there is something seriously wrong with him, if true.
I am 9 years older than my wife. I am now 44 and she is 35. Again, been together almost ten years and married six this spring. I am the only long-term relationship she has ever had but she had been with several men (aka not a virgin) before we met. Again, please read my background and pass along your insight. I need it. Otherwise I’ve been back to church for a month now and praying she finds her way home and spending time with our daughter, making her the priority. I am taking everything one day at a time, and trying to be patient. I have accepted that this will take a long time, otherwise, it will not be genuine.
How old is the "boss" and how did this "age gap" relationship work for you before then?
Laying back and praying isn't going to get you results. As far as your investigation, you could've put a voice activated recorder in the passenger compartment of her car. You could've also put a spy phone app on her phone, so you wouldn't have to mess with it.
But you caught her and got her. Usually the best and fastest way to get them back is let the other guy take care of her. Yes, let her go, tell her let the boss take care of her. Boss wasn't in for that, he was in for free sex that he could send the woman back home to a loving husband who would take care of her.
Thanks for the feedback DaddyLongShanks (great member name). To answer your question, I am 44 and she is 35. OM turned 40 over the summer, we were at his birthday party. My wife and I have never had a problem before with the 'age gap'. I would even suggest that our age gap is still not the issue, but rather our lack of connection over the last year.
So we got to the next level. I know they are having sex, might have started this past week, perhaps after their company christmas party...while I was home with our D. If he was a virgin (read my very first post) he is not anymore.
I know a lot. It has been an interesting stretch of 24 hours. I also have come to discover that I may not need to worry about my wife and career, for fear of company uncovering the affair -- I have strong reason to believe that the OM's BOSS is aware of the affair and enabling it. I also know that WAW believes and tells OM she will be with him for the rest of her life. BTW, OM has still not left his home yet. Again, we are separated.
One member recently told me (in a post) that "You may not have seen the worst, yet, but I think you will". Something tells me this still in not "the worst". Am I wrong.
I actually feel okay as I write this post, and the information is not even 12 hours old. I knew this was going to happen. They needed to take the next step. My anger does not feel that massive and at this stage I have zero hope / expectation that WAW is coming home, so I can set aside that emotional roller coaster. Besides, even if she wanted to I can't imagine letting her come back to me. Doesn't matter, she's done with us and have been for a long time.
Back at best amigo's house w/ his family getting ready to have some chicken strips with cheese melted on top. I deserve it.
We did Christmas "together" for the sake of our D. We were in the house together for the first time in a month, not just passing off our D. Three hours after D went to bed, before I went to church, for midnight mass. Of course, presents in the morning and WAW left with D for her parents around 11:00 AM.
It was like two college roommates that didn't really like each other.
This goes against GAL and detach but is there any value to try and remember the last time she seemed connected to me? The morning after she was out with her boss, BF (which I found about later that night) she rolled over to me and held me closely for the first time in so long, I could not remember. Was the a connection or just her way of saying I am leaving you soon?
Still looking for feedback, living hard by the 180 rule,
WAW invited me to (her) family christmas, a couple of times, which is where we have spent the last ten christmas holidays. She also tried to get me to come to the house to pick up our D, at the end of day, but I stuck with the 'neutral' meeting place. Of course she brought her sister when she came.
Anyhow, pretty confident, say 90%, in these 180s. Can anyone call me out and say I was wrong, or concur that I was right to handle the holiday the way I did?
Feeling like this thread has gone radio silent!
(tap-tap-tap) "is thing on, hello, hello??"
Feeling really good right now, probably a little goofy too.
