Maybell XXIV

[raliced]

Hi Maybell,

FWIW, early in our marriage my husband wanted to have a "family meeting" to go over a spreadsheet about what bills had been paid and needed to be paid, budgeting, what was coming up the next week, etc.

It wasn't a bad idea, but I hated it, because I sat in meetings all day at work like that, and I didn't want my home life to feel like my work life. We eventually gave them up because they made me unhappy.

It's one of my bigger regrets now, because that was the way that STBX felt comfortable talking to me about these topics. When the meetings ended, so did most conversations on these things. He just wasn't capable of an ad hoc conversation, which is what I envisioned. I just didn't realize that at the time. He needed the structure.

Good Luck with the Christmas presents

[Maybell]

When we were first married, we also had a family meeting to go over a spreadsheet of our budget, etc., same as you. It lasted maybe 8 months? And then my H said he wasn't comfortable discussing it any more (it was NEVER contentious) and we abandoned that practice. I was really disappointed because while we did that I felt like we were a team pulling together.

He kept the finances so it was 13 years before I understood how my spending impacted the family and by then between the two of us we had driven ourselves into a bit of a ditch.

I backpedaled enough via email today that I think we're going to do a take-2 of the conversation.

Please tell me how to be better. I don't like feeling so incapable of generosity. I feel completely like I have no business even contemplating being in an adult relationship right now.

Also if there is someplace I can look for how to forgive that would be good as well.

[raliced]

Well, if I knew the secret to forgiving on demand I would definitely be implementing myself . Forgiveness arises from emotion, not logic - so while I know its the right thing to do, I just can't get there yet.

It sounds corny - but I think just recognizing the need to forgive is a pretty major step that a lot of people don't take.

I do find that I feel more positive towards him when I focus on the love his daughters have for him - it taps into more positive emotions. I know I need to forgive him for that bond to have the best chance at remaining healthy.

Glad you're working through the present issue with him. It's not what you would have liked, but your kids will probably be happy with the end result, however you end up getting there.

[KGirl]

I was reading a list of book quotes that spoke to people yesterday, and this was one of them, from The Kite Runner:
"I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded; not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night."

To me, that means forgiveness will come when it's ready, and gradually - you can't force it. That seems about right, in my experience so far. I think some ideas are key on the path: knowing that forgiveness means that you don't condone it, but you accept that it is how things are; and that people do not necessarily intend to hurt you but maybe don't know how to do things a different way.

I checked out a book on forgiveness once and it was not so great (talked a lot about how people can feel your forgiveness from a distance and it will affect change in them.. a little too mystical for me!), but there was a good mantra in there - I have it copied down at work in a drawer and when I'm feeling angry I read it. I'll have to dig around and find it online!

[Maybell]

You know what I hate about Google docs? The number of times they've stepped in for actual conversation.

But I see what raliced said about that being a comfortable form of communication for him and I'm trying to not resent them so much.

I MISSED HIM during a lot of our marriage. He was gone so much and then he wanted to communicate via spreadsheet? We picked our first child's name via blind-ballot spreadsheet, for pete's sake.

When I got more information about what he was trying to do it made more sense to use the spreadsheet. But that information wasn't reflected in the spreadsheet, and it wasn't part of the highly interrupted conversation on Tuesday night, and apparently I'm so cr@ppy at communicating myself that I have to get annoyed at not hearing things the way I expect first to ask the question that gets me the information I need to understand where he's coming from.

I can't resent that because apparently I'm no better at it than he is.

Which makes things feel highly hopeless. How can I *ever* be in a great relationship if I'm so bad at communicating (and yet so wordy!!)?

I want him to say the marriage is important to him and that we can go to something like Retrouvaille and learn to be halfway decent at being married. But that won't happen.

It doesn't help that he's doing a quick trip away today that I saw the ticket purchase for last week but he didn't tell me about it till he was en route and I suspect he's on a sweet little getaway and not a work trip. I need to put those thoughts aside.

Gah. I have really come down in my opinion of myself. I'm NOT a peach. I'm broken.

[Maybell]

He is in the locked room and he doesn't want to leave it.

I am already dead. And that's OK.

And if he goes traveling to meet some cute little 20 something, I can't control it. Either he realizes that he's too good for that, or he doesn't, and either way I'm OK. It doesn't impact me. The worst that will happen is we will divorce and how I'm living now will be the norm between him and me. I can be happy at this level.

I really like my job. But I do miss my friends. I don't see people very often anymore (ran into several this evening at a gingerbread house auction) and I'm struggling to feel connected with my support network when I spend all my time at work or at home. This weekend I'll connect with a few of them. But I need other things to be my focus than this separation. I'm struggling with that as I get used to my new working-mom lifestyle.

[Card29]

How many employees are at your work? And have you met any potentially good friends (at-work support)?

Btw, I'm not feeling like a peach these days, either. Hard to think about anything but my flaws

[Maybell]

Two bosses & me. Great, great women.

I think I will be ok. There is fun to be had. I'll be a work in progress for a long time. As long as the trajectory stays generally upward time is on my side.

[Ggrass]

My best support is coming from 2 women I met via my work. Another since moved without anyone them I would have been sunk.

Other working women can be your best allies. They know the work it takes they know how hard it is.

[SunnyB]

I really like my job. But I do miss my friends. I don't see people very often anymore (ran into several this evening at a gingerbread house auction) and I'm struggling to feel connected with my support network when I spend all my time at work or at home.

Maybell, I totally understand this. It is difficult to find time for yourself, for support, and for GAL when you are juggling work and house and kids. And I know you'll be OK, you'll figure out how to make time for what you need. Just sending you a hug today.