So now my WAW is angry angry angry towards me. I asked via email if we could coordinate Christmas gifts for our two kids and she was so cold - one word NO. I would advise that you post communications with/from W so we can assist you with drafting responses that are in line with DB principles of STFU and KISS. We can aid you in heading off any potential problems or negative responses from your W. It can be done and has been done around here.
She then sent me a mean email about my scheduling conflicts about keeping the kids. I just can't win. Maybe I should just ignore her all together. If you don't mind, it would be helpful to post communications from W so we can assess and evaluate them. This will aid in the formulating a response that is neutral and a bit more positive.
Should I defend myself from her anger or just ignore her. My gut tells me to just ignore her, so that's what I will do.
No, it is not good to ignore her because you have children and do need to communicate logistics together. Come here and we will help you in the first several times. It is not because you can't do them, but because you are new to this and need to learn how to write emails and texts that are in line with DBing principles. After you watch and learn, then you'll be able to do them yourself. When I first came here, the vets helped me with drafting emails to Ms. Wonka after I posted them here for feedback and critique.
I want to expand on a bit why your W was "cold" and "mean" to you. Try not to take it personally. I know, I know...easier said than done. The reason for their seemingly "cold" responses is that they want to keep you at arm's length for they have put up a Berlin Wall between you as a self-protection mechanism. And out of perceived "loyalty" to the OW. Wacky...I know.
It took me 4 solid months to chip away at Ms. Wonka's very large and slow moving glacier before I got a response from her. Granted, we did not have children like you guys do. But we had fur babies...a dog and a cat.
What worked for me was that I did not inundate Ms. Wonka with a bunch of emails, texts, or letters. Oh noooooo. In the month after Ms. Wonka moved out (August 2004), I sent out pictures of our dog. Heard nothing from her. Sent a X-mas card. Finally heard back from Ms. Wonka with a picture of our cat that she took with her. No texts, no nothing during the interim. Of course, pre-DB I wrote her a long letter. Big mistake. A bit NO-NO.
As we say around here, patience and MORE patience. We have a special discount on patience shovels and will gladly deliver them to you at no charge!
Here is my email about trying to coordinate Christmas gifts. I went first and I get shot down by her response.
A -
Can we work collaboratively on the kids Christmas gifts?
Here is what I propose:
LXXXX
1. Robot from Target - mip - he';s been talking about it 2. Assorted Books 3. Refurbished phone - text and phone calls only- my old phone 4. Stocking Stuffers (whistle,)
RXXXX
1. American Girl dog and clothes 2. Hello Kitty Lip Gloss Collection 3. Refurbished IPAD mini - she feels really left out that Liam has one and she doesn't 4. Stocking stuffers (socks, hair bows)
CXXXXX
1. Transformer
Teachers - Marsh Weiss, Miss Sally and Mr. Page, Olena S (STAR), Ovasnna (front office), YS Teacher (not sure of her name).
I have Roche chocolates - 6 in a box and can give each teacher one box that is wrapped.
Ah...I do see what the problem was. Not your fault.
A quick glance at the email shows the following issues:
1) It's toooo long 2) Too much information all at once 3) Littered with assumptions on specific toys/gifts tied to specific people
It sounds like you're rattling off things and expecting W to fall in line with it. Not saying you're wrong, but it is how it comes across in reading the content.
Far too much for W to take in and handle so she shuts you down with that abrupt response so she does not have to deal with you.
We all preach to the newbies to keep their emails and texts concise and to the point. We often work with them here to whip out their Sharpie pens and guiding them in crossing out extraneous stuff that are space fillers or fluff.
Please feel free to ask us for help with this process, ok?
Thank you for taking the time to read and reply.It is much appreciated.
Tonight I GAL - I took my kids to the Grove and we scoped out the American Doll shop and Barnes and Noble. I wrestled with and tickled the kids a lot just to get us all laughing. My little girl told lots of jokes, none of which made any sense but I laughed at all of them. I must say it made me feel better to laugh even though it was forced. It was like my body did not know that it was forced, weird. We got some Christmas presents, wrapping paper and just killed time. We then went for supper and came home at 8PM. There were many times I had the terrible feelings start to creep in, but I ignored them and carried on.
It was good to get out of the house, when my instinct was to just go home and get in bed. It was a fun time together, just what my kids needed (and me too).
One of the main complaints of my wife is that she feels like she is property or needed only because of what she can "do". I never really understood that but from your response to my email, you say I expect her to fall in line with my assumptions. That stings but there is a ring of truth to it.
I had my kids tonight. My little boy who is 9 cried and sobbed because he wanted his Momma. I am Mommy, Momma is my WAW. We talked about it and told him that Momma and Mommy love him very much and will figure things out. I felt like a complete sh*t.
My question to the board is:
Should I email my WAW this info or will it come across as manipulative.
Sample:
A
Just to let you know, but L has a very hard night tonight and cried and sobbed for a long time. He wants you to come home. I told him we are working on it.
What do you think? Manipulative? or honest in giving him extra attention when she has him.
I had my kids tonight. My little boy who is 9 cried and sobbed because he wanted his Momma. I am Mommy, Momma is my WAW. We talked about it and told him that Momma and Mommy love him very much and will figure things out. I felt like a complete sh*t.
My question to the board is:
Should I email my WAW this info or will it come across as manipulative.
Sample:
A
Just to let you know, but L has a very hard night tonight and cried and sobbed for a long time. He wants you to come home. I told him we are working on it.
What do you think? Manipulative? or honest in giving him extra attention when she has him.
Thanks for your thoughts y'all
,Naj here's the thing she doesn't love herself so how do you expect her to love someone else like even your kids.
My honest opinion is to let her sort out her relationship with the children on her own without help from you.I know that may not make sense right now but its what you must do
