Hi. A lot of what you've said is Familiar script to a lot if yes LBS (left behind spouses).
They blame us, everything was all our fault and they haven't been happy for years (sometimes never). We can speculate on why They say this stuff and personally I think its because otherwise they would have to deal with the guilt of what they've done (and people will do a lot to avoid guilt)
The thing to remember is that a lot of those who have saved their marriages have also heard this sort of thing.
When you do hear criticism think about the buts that make you feel defensive because those are a good place to try and identify the things you need to work on.
I really hope things work out for you and your kids
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
That's ok, thanks for the clarification. I was wondering why this wasn't more of a sexual orientation issue than a wayward/walkaway issue, but that explains it.
I'll try to catch up better on your sitch; it's been extremely hard to follow because you've started so many different threads.
It can be confusing at first -- but just post everything here that relates to your situation, that way we can find it quicker. If you read other peoples threads, and have questions for them -- post on their threads, otherwise it might get overlooked.
So, your WAW has mentioned that you flail around and you've confirmed that as well. You do seem very scared, hurt and confused. I think everyone here can relate to that.
What can you be doing right now to bring some peace to yourself and not "flail around"? Have you thought about meditation, or exercise to get out any excessive energy you might have? Since my BD, I've increased my exercise and have set new personal records, using my anger as motivation.
I was a wreck when this started. I was having panic attacks when I woke up. Panic attacks at work, you name it and I was freaked. I actually wrote "Breathe, you will be ok. Have faith in yourself. Have faith in him, but more importantly, have faith in yourself." I put it on a sticky note and it stared me in the face at work for about a month or so until I had gotten to a place where I was doing better.
Take a deep breath, realize that this is a marathon - not a sprint. Focus on what you can do to make yourself feel better today.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
I wanted to bring your questions here so we all can examine them and discuss together.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Me again - sorry to be so chatty this morning, but I've a lot on my mind.
My WAW said at the beginning of this nightmare she wanted me to "fight for my marriage". That is confusing - what does that even mean?When a WAS says that line, "fighting for my marriage" suggests that they are in pain and are seeking or want a magic bullet to make the pain go away. In other words, they want to HEAR if they really do matter and have value as a person/partner. That is the unspoken thought process inside the WAS mind. Not always the case. Some are just done, DONE.
1. Does it mean - going to MC?Has W said anything to you about MC at all? Alluded to it? We need to be very careful making assumptions because we do not have enough information to work with or presented with facts.
2. Does it mean - working on me? I think this is really what it means. If so, this translates into being more present with my kids, living more in the present and acknowledging the good things in my life, being more emotionally available (this is hard for me - wtf does this really mean? I am guessing listening and validating her each time we interact). Again, those pesky assumptions. We just don't know what your W meant by "fighting for my marriage" UNTIL they rattle off exactly what they mean by that statement.
How do I know she even knows I am working on me unless I tell her?
The beauty of DBing is that the focus is squarely on YOU for you. Only for you. Focus on making the changes and you don't need to get on the stage at Madison Garden and proclaim to W by saying, "Lookee...aren't I fabulous!! I have changed. I did.....blah, blah, blah." No. You just quietly go and do your own thing. Slowly but surely they will notice the changes. Mind you...they WILL NOT comment on them. Perish that thought! Why? Because they don't want to give you any high hopes.
She has moved out, how does she see/know of any changes?See above answer. Oh yeah..they DO notice. I made changes to my wardrobe and got some new clothes. One time, when Ms. Wonka came to our old marital home to stay with me due to our dog's death, she looked at me very, very closely when we went out go grab some ice cream and she ACTUALLY reached out and brushed off some "imaginary" lint from my jeans belt hook. Did she say something? Of course not. I just smiled inwardly with how she was stealing figurative glances my way.
3. Does it mean - going dark?Jan, you're mixing up W's comment on "fighting for my marriage" with DB method. It has no direct correlation at all. More on that later.
If I could get some clear examples of what "working on my marriage" really means, that would be helpful.
You ask a good question right there ^^, Jan. So let me ask you this: Have you read the book, Divorce Remedy, from front to back? By doing so, you will get a good understanding of the nuts and bolts of practical tips on how to bust a divorce (and save your M).
Your answer will inform my next responses (and other posters as well).
