Jefe - Climbing out of the mire - #8

[twinmom]

Ok, you need to get your mind off your wife even for 45 minutes a day... Ever try blasting some music while getting ready/cooking? I HIGHLY suggest non church music....

I graduated in 2000 and have fond memories of music from the 90's and early 2000's Pandora blasting the 90's hits always puts me in a great mood and makes me forget how stressful my life really is. May I suggest some Everclear and Sublime?

Have you started a workout routine? My go to activity when I can't get an image of OW and H out of my head is a super hard workout with music so loud I can't think about anything but the pain my body is feeling from pushing it to the edge. Then a smoke and shot of Goose chilled with a lemon slice......

My point is change your routines and make new ones that take your mind off of being alone.

[SunnyB]

5:30AM Up and get myself ready, load the truck, get lunches made and kids fed & ready and out the door by 7. Their school is a charter school so it's about 30 minutes away then we have to wait in line for drop off another 10-15 minutes.
Then I work during the middle
3:30ish I need to be at the school, in line to pick them up.
4:30 we are home, snacks made, clothes changed, unwind. 1 hour of TV for the girls invoice and computer time for dad.
5:30-7:00 is homework, prepare dinner, eat. (We eat at the table as a family) etc.
7:00-8:00 is snuggle time or game time, or bath time or a combination of all 3.
Girls in bed no later than 8:30.
9:00 - I drop - Clean the house, do laundry, do dishes, clean out truck/trailer, check in on Grandmother and tend to her needs, practice for up-coming worship schedule, etc, etc.

Boring and not much GAL.

Happy Birthday!

My day isn't all that different from yours. Up at 5:30, dropping in bed at 10:00pm on a really good day. Work, kids, house in between. I do have an advantage because mine are older and don't need supervision when we're at home, I can leave them to do their own hw, get their own shower, etc. But the place I really GAL is when H takes D12, according to our PARENTING SCHEDULE. Jefe, I'm going to keep harping on this one. You have to put something in place if at all possible. It does not have to be 50/50, it can be anything that works for you and W, just something you can count on. Our sharing right now is 65/35 for D12, 100/0 for D16. But it's something I can count on, and that's been critical to my pulling myself together lately.

[SunnyB]

If you are not comfortable with a separation agreement then do not participate. There doesn't appear to be a legal reason for the document so it seems mostly ceremonial.

Hope, can I ask a sincere question? Why would a S agreement not be helpful to Jefe? I understood your worst-case decision-making matrix, and, having been in a close relationship with an alcoholic myself, understand it quite well. But, why must Jefe fly by the seat of his pants? Why can't decisions be made that apply to longer than today? For instance, he and W decide that W picks up the girls at noon every Sunday and drops them off at school every Monday? How is deciding that weekly more advantageous than deciding it applies to the next six weeks?

There is no legal S in my state. H and I have a (non-legal) S agreement that spells out the length of the S, whether we can date, how finances are handled, and a parenting schedule, among other things. It's not ceremonial, it's practical.

I admire the advice you give on the boards, and look forward to your thoughts on this.

[Hope414]

If you are not comfortable with a separation agreement then do not participate. There doesn't appear to be a legal reason for the document so it seems mostly ceremonial.

Hope, can I ask a sincere question? Why would a S agreement not be helpful to Jefe? I understood your worst-case decision-making matrix, and, having been in a close relationship with an alcoholic myself, understand it quite well. But, why must Jefe fly by the seat of his pants? Why can't decisions be made that apply to longer than today? For instance, he and W decide that W picks up the girls at noon every Sunday and drops them off at school every Monday? How is deciding that weekly more advantageous than deciding it applies to the next six weeks?

There is no legal S in my state. H and I have a (non-legal) S agreement that spells out the length of the S, whether we can date, how finances are handled, and a parenting schedule, among other things. It's not ceremonial, it's practical.

I admire the advice you give on the boards, and look forward to your thoughts on this.

I don't want to give the impression I am against separation agreements. In most cases I fully support them. They serve a purpose and are needed especially in situations when you are dealing with a punitive or combative spouse.

If Jefe was the person wanting the separation agreement I would support it.

My caution to Jefe is to avoid doing anything he is uncomfortable with. His wife continually forces him into situations where he feels he must make choices. (Sorry Jefe I don't want to talk about you as if you are not in the room.)

Jefe doesn't have to make choices when a choice is not necessary.

In this case they have a workable situation so a formal agreement isn't necessary. If, however, Jefe feels he needs something legal so that he can have more control in the situation I encourage this.

The issue is keeping control of the situation and not allowing your spouse to manipulate you into believing you are doing something as a team when, in reality, you felt bullied into the decision.

[SunnyB]

Jefe, how's it going today?

[Jefe]

I'm ok. How about you?

[SunnyB]

I am having a good day. Wishing you one as well.

[Jefe]

I think I just screwed this all up. I want to express the exchange that just happened but I am having a difficult time in even grasping it all enough to formulate a cognitive sentence about it all.

The harder I pray some days the harder it seems like it gets. I just don't understand.

[PeterV2]

Jefe, you need to detach from your W. She has too much sway over your emotions. Take a deep breath and focus on music. Stop thinking about W. It's like having a tiger by the tail. Very unpredictable and dangerous. Let go of the tiger's tail and walk away for a while. Don't worry about what your W is doing. She has her own row to hoe. And although it may seem like she's having a good time and being footloose and carefree, the truth is that she is just as much in turmoil as you are. Maybe more so, as she is the one in a bad place.

You're in a better place, but you cannot let her turmoil influence your state of mind. That's a tough order to fill, but you have to let it go. Focus on yourself and your family without her. Time is needed by both of you to heal. And you can only heal yourself. You have no control or power over her. You barely have control of yourself. Work on that first.

Peace be with you.

[Jefe]

Thank you Peter. You are correct as usual.

I'm not as emotionally damaged by this as in weeks past, just more angry at myself for allowing myself to fall into old patterns and habits and engaging in the same old dance.