He IS being truthful. He is telling me what he wants to do and what he thinks he is eventually going to do. He is not doing this behind my back, but it still hurts like hell and I DO consider it cheating. I am just letting him live his life and I am living mine. I am the Queen of detachment, because I had soooo many years of unintentional detachment due to childhood sexual abuse.
I can't even express to you all how much this discussion does for me, personally. I don't really talk about personal issues, in general, and I am not a journal sort of person. I really appreciate the sounding board and feedback. I hope you are all doing at least ok. OK is OK. LOL.... total genius, I know...
It's ok to tell us. We are here to support each other through the tough times and to celebrate the good times.
Childhood sexual abuse can trigger some very difficult stuff, which needs very careful handling and gentleness. Have you had IC care? Often life's events trigger new feelings and strong emotions.
(((((Hugs))))) Vanilla
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thank you, Vanilla! I do, and have for a couple of years now, see an IC. I had previously worked through a lot of the old [censored], but I didn't realize that new (old) [censored] came up while I was married. As a single person, I had it all figured out. In my marriage, there are so many millions of wierdnesses that come up all the time, unbeknownst to me. He thought I looked at him as if he were the abuser and turned himself off to me. Eventually, part of him really resented me and that part was very apparent. I thought he just didn't want to have sex with me, and now that is true. We never really communicated about all of it and had a seriously sex-starved marriage. But we really love our son, and do love each other. I am positive a sex therapist could help, but he is done.
I fostered a couple of sexually abused children. I think it's fair to say that along with that acknowledgement of abuse and acceptance that as a child there is absolutely nothing that the child is responsible for. This is a lifelong burden and I would like nothing better than to chop of the relevant bits of the abuser and......
T, it is generally a rule of thumb that each relationship that an abused child enters as an adult require 2 years of therapy. Abuse patterns reoccur in numerous forms. Please accept that this recovery is a life long journey and that you have achieved a great deal so far. Maturity is not easy, be kind to yourself and a little sympathy for H who isn't a therapist and can't replace one. H may need help too with this.
You are strong T mom because and in spite of this. Your heart does not need to bleed as it can mend. This destruction need only interrupt your life and not define it.
I am glad you have an IC that can help you and to whom you can relate.
Heal this time Vanilla
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thanks, you two! Vanilla, I have a lot of sympathy for him.... on a good day...lol... I get why he is going through this... I just can't fix it... I can only continue working on me. Like I said, he says he is tired of trying, doesn't want to fix it, and I can't say he hasn't tried. A sex therapist, or any for that matter, is out of the equation completely.
T Sweetheart, I would love you to find the resource for you. More than anything the ability to connect is a vital part of any relationship. Sex is part of that connection between W and H.
I had a long dry spell with H2, who had not sorted his sexual feelings out. He still hasn't done so and moves from relationship to relationship with his issues although on many occasions he opened the door a little, usually with his latest partner. As his closest friend I wanted this for him but he was unable to face his pain and still doesn't want to.
That isn't a solution in the longer term, this can be addressed and you can do it. Actively resolving this will achieve more for you in PMA than any other attitude change for you. Abuse is the most awful experience for any person and childhood abuse is the most damaging. T every ounce of my soul is asking the higher power for a resolution for you, so that your sex life can be repaired whether with H or otherwise. This is very hard for the spouse too, as it seems like rejection, although in my case I adapted my relationship to a full friendship. Where ever H2 is I am hoping he has found the peace he needs but I am not hopeful as he would not address it. He knows I am here as his oldest friend if he needs to talk.
Truly, this is very important, you are in my prayers T. Peace Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/17/1408:13 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Vanilla, I returned here to re-read your comment. I don't exactly know why, but I appreciate you taking the time to put all that into words. I was a little overwhelmed by it, at first read.
Actively resolving, huh? That's the ticket...LOL...
Hi t-mom. glad you are getting some feedback from some great people. Treasure it. I look back at my entire thread sometimes and re-read every word. It makes me happy that people care enough to support, advise, and just care. It also makes me sad to think of mistakes I made - though I have learned from them. I wish I found all of this much earlier - I wouldn't have started sooo weakly.
Keep working on yourself - consistently (If only I would take my own advice)
Cheers!
Last edited by u-turn; 12/18/1403:11 PM.
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
