Maybell XXIV

[labug]

Forgiveness does come along but I learned that we have to be able to forgive ourselves first. That was my stumbling block for a long time, I was so hard on myself always seeking perfection and never getting there. How could I forgive myself, I had so many faults?

But I learned to let go of that harsh judge inside me (with the help of my IC). I'm human, I make mistakes, I'm sometimes petty, controlling, gossipy and bossy. But I have whole lot of good qualities, I'm compassionate, intelligent, generous, funny, helpful, loving and open.

I try to feed those things on the second list and starve those on the first. That includes not wallowing in guilt about them.

Work on letting go of beating yourself up. Accept your missteps, they're not the end of the world. Forgive yourself.

Use your negative reactions to your H as a guide to your next step. Are you reacting or responding? If you're reacting, why? And are you reacting to the current situation or is it old stuff?

Who do you want to be in the interaction? You get to make that choice with every interaction. How powerful is that?

Everything we see in ourselves and can't forgive, we also see in others and can't forgive.

The communication piece will be a lifelong process for me. I grew up in a family of twisted communications. I still have a hard time communicating with my oldest brother, cause I drop right back in to trying to translate the code. It's exhausting.

I had the book Family Communications out just last week. Nonviolent Communication was also helpful for me.

MB, you're getting there but sometimes it's like slogging through mud but then when we reach the solid ground, everything starts to fall in to place.

We'll hold you up through those really mucky parts.

[Maybell]

Labug, I appreciate that very much. I've already used it a few times and shared it with a friend who had some struggles of her own. It has made a difference.

Two nights ago I had a really crazy dream that I can't remember at all, but when I woke up I had one of the guys u flirted with over Thanksgiving very much in my mind. And I felt repulsed by my H. I thought about it a lot and decided, well, I'm going to look into that and see what it's about. And if this isn't a good thing I can still keep my eyes averted from H. I don't need a guy to be happy (though a guy would be very nice). But it was nice to have the distraction from my H.

Well, this guy isn't all that. He's much less than he was in the dream. And here I amstill not looking back at my H. Because he hasn't been actually married to me in his mind for more than two years, and at this point I might say closer to four.

I have had enough. I can't imagine what he could say to me that I could possibly take seriously. He has broken every promise. Told too many lies. Tried to hide too much. if he came to me tomorrow and said he wanted to try to reconcile I'd feel like an idiot for taking him seriously. He is not trustworthy.

While things are in this limbo, I have three swords hanging over me: knowing this house isn't appropriate for a single-parent family; worrying about his oversight of how I spend the money, and constantly worrying he's going to pull the rug out from under me in some way; and the fact that I can not pursue any other relationship of my own without jeopardizing my spousal support, even though he's the original bad actor.

I have given it my best shot. Maybe I could have DB'd better. Or found it sooner. But I'm not going to dance the pick-me dance for someone I wouldn't even believe if I succeded in drawing his eye. I don't want to kiss him anymore and the thought of sex with him gives me heeby-jeebies.

I'm going to spend the next few months getting things lined up. I Intend to file. I want to be in charge of my own happiness and wondering what Mack truck will be blindsiding me and when is not conducive to my self-confidence.

It may be a long time before I find someone to love me fully. That's ok. I believe it will be worth the wait. But at least I'll be ready for it when it happens.

[Lorelai]

Hugs to you Maybell. Although this probably is not the outcome you wanted originally, you sound so sure of yourself, confident and in control and that is very commendable. Not sure what the future holds for me, but you've inspired me to keep moving forward regardless of the outcome and work to attain some security and independence for myself and the kids. Thank you for that.

[Ss06]

(((Hugs))))

[labug]

Labug, I appreciate that very much. I've already used it a few times and shared it with a friend who had some struggles of her own. It has made a difference.

Two nights ago I had a really crazy dream that I can't remember at all, but when I woke up I had one of the guys u flirted with over Thanksgiving very much in my mind. And I felt repulsed by my H. I thought about it a lot and decided, well, I'm going to look into that and see what it's about. And if this isn't a good thing I can still keep my eyes averted from H. I don't need a guy to be happy (though a guy would be very nice). But it was nice to have the distraction from my H.

Well, this guy isn't all that. He's much less than he was in the dream. And here I amstill not looking back at my H. Because he hasn't been actually married to me in his mind for more than two years, and at this point I might say closer to four.

I have had enough. I can't imagine what he could say to me that I could possibly take seriously. He has broken every promise. Told too many lies. Tried to hide too much. if he came to me tomorrow and said he wanted to try to reconcile I'd feel like an idiot for taking him seriously. He is not trustworthy.

While things are in this limbo, I have three swords hanging over me: knowing this house isn't appropriate for a single-parent family; worrying about his oversight of how I spend the money, and constantly worrying he's going to pull the rug out from under me in some way; and the fact that I can not pursue any other relationship of my own without jeopardizing my spousal support, even though he's the original bad actor.

I have given it my best shot. Maybe I could have DB'd better. Or found it sooner. But I'm not going to dance the pick-me dance for someone I wouldn't even believe if I succeded in drawing his eye. I don't want to kiss him anymore and the thought of sex with him gives me heeby-jeebies.

I'm going to spend the next few months getting things lined up. I Intend to file. I want to be in charge of my own happiness and wondering what Mack truck will be blindsiding me and when is not conducive to my self-confidence.

It may be a long time before I find someone to love me fully. That's ok. I believe it will be worth the wait. But at least I'll be ready for it when it happens.

How about get the holidays behind you and see what's what?

Why do you have those 3 swords? did he hang them or did you?

I wish you the best with whatever you decide, whenever you decide.

[labug]

Where die the pick-me dance come from? I don't think anyone here has encouraged that.

That's exactly 180 from what's good for you.

((( )))

[raliced]

How are you feeling this morning, Maybell? I can't give you any advice other than I believe that you will do what is right for you when the time is right.

Sometimes when I've read your threads, I've thought that some sort of legal separation would be beneficial just because when I read about all of the stress around parenting time, the house and finances, I think some structure would be beneficial.

I agree with Labug, though. Let the holidays pass. Continue to sleep on it for a few weeks.

You'll do the right thing.

[Maybell]

I guess I'm dropping the rope.

I guess you could say I hung the swords. He's not rushing me anywhere. But I feel very much at his mercy. There are things I want -- like travel, etc. -- that I feel like I can't take charge of because they require me using resources he's providing. And because we're supporting two households I feel a responsibility to keep us financially afloat by making decisions that are good for the two of us when there no longer is an us. I want to be free to make decisions that are good for me and let him make his own decisions.

My single greatest need is for security and I've never had it with him. We've always had one foot out the door. I've been living with total insecurity for several years continuously now, between our several moves, his affair, the breakdown of the marriage, etc. Too much change over and over again. I just want to settle someplace where I can really feel at home in.

This house is TOO MUCH for me by myself, and it also represents a dream I thought we shared, of providing a home base for the kids, space for entertaining and building a community together, space for him to be a guy and cultivate his guy network independently of work, etc. This house makes no sense if it's just me. It ties me to financial commitments that restrict me from enjoying what I really want. And it will sell best in the spring/summer because it has some beautiful landscaping, which is stunning in bloom and VERY COSTLY to maintain.

If I legally separate or divorce I will have a known set of resources to manage (and plan for my long-term future intelligently) and I can live for myself. I can have a home where I feel secure, I can choose the one that makes sense for my own goals.

I never wanted to be separated or divorced. I don't honestly want it now. I recognize that there are things about me that moved us in that direction, and I am tremendously grateful that I am on the path to healing many of them (and some I'm already well on the way to resolving). I am sad at this. I do not believe he wants to change and so there is nothing for me to hold on to. This separation and all his affairs (and I do think there were at least a couple of one night stands before the one I know about for sure) are on him; my desire always was to make the marriage great and whenever I tried to work with him on that he didn't even want to acknowledge it.

I do feel like I've been dancing the pick-me dance. That all the changes that I'm supposed to be showing him are steps in that dance. I am not perfect, but I don't think I should need to be perfect to be well-loved. He's not perfect either and I loved him. I was willing to accept the best that he had to give even though I wanted a little more. Maybe I made him feel that and that's part of why he wasn't faithful. I always lived in hope that things could be better and that they would be. He could have dealt with things other ways. He even said, more than once, that he didn't know why he couldn't be bothered to do things for me, that I wanted so little that it should have been easy.

If he and I aren't going to be happy together then I'd like the space to be happy alone. I want the freedom to arrange my life in a way that works for me. I don't have that now, I'm living with the consequences of HIS choices (especially this house I live in) and they inhibit me.

I'm not taking any actions right now, I'm just thinking through my plan. I don't believe reconciliation will happen and I'm tired of taking it into account when I think about what I'd like my future to be.

Dropping the rope doesn't make me happy. But it does make me feel like I will have the space to be, in time.

[Maybell]

No, I'm not really OK. But I have to find a way to be. I can't spend my life like this.

[paul19510]

(((MB))) you remind me of where I was late last winter. Thoughts and prayers for you. This choice and the timing of any decision is very individual and personal.

There is not rush to move in eitherdirection "tommorrow" but perhaps with the new year you will decide to look in directions that begin to help you heal and make the best future for yourself and your kids.