KGirl - one year later

[KGirl]

I went ahead and signed the paperwork. That was interesting and not really what I was anticipating.. at all... but I'm gonna type it all out and reflect on it later.

So I rang the doorbell, he invited me in, I stayed in the foyer and didn't go anywhere else. He gave me some mail. I gave him a sweatshirt from his sports team back in high school. He gave me a funny look and said "are you sure you don't want this?" Yep, very sure. He can give it to one of his sisters - they are all really into that sport. We took my stuff out to the car. He commented that my car was really cool. Darn right it is

Then I went back inside to sign the actual paperwork. That is where we got into conversation and I don't know if it was good or bad but... I should have stopped myself. He said "I'm really sorry. This is not how I wanted this to end up." So then I had to say "if that's the case.. then why is this how it's ending?" He basically then said he's already told me this, but that there were reasons, and that people don't change so doing counseling/talking about it/whatever wouldn't have done anything. Mainly that I always made him feel "guilty" and was too jealous, and then he felt like he could never do anything and at some point, felt like "why not do whatever she's accusing me of doing, because I'll get accused anyway?" His primary example was when he went to Las Vegas and I told him beforehand "you remember the rules, right?" Out of context that sounds bad. But the context was that for his bachelor party, he told me he had no interest in strip clubs/strippers and wasn't going to do it.. and then went and did it anyway. And when I asked why, he said "well you didn't say explicitly that I couldn't or that you wouldn't like it." So I felt like I had to be explicit from then on. It's this cycle we just couldn't end with each other, at least before, anyway, and he's sure it won't ever change. He also "Even if we did get back together, which isn't really an option, you would hold this over me forever and say I missed two Christmases and two birthdays... you'd never let it go." I said "Well, I guess you won't really have an opportunity to see that things could be different."

I think it was pretty ballsy of him to say that I accused him of things that weren't true, given how he fell for his coworker. He also reiterated that his other big issue is that he's only really been with/dated me and he has always wondered about other people and doesn't think he could ever be happy having just been with one person (so, doesn't that kind of give weight to all of my uneasiness I had about him in certain situations??) Not much I can do about that, I guess. He also said he felt like he acquised to me too much and "lost himself." I said if I could change it, I would, but I can't anymore, all I can do is move forward and try to be the best person I can be.

I noted there were things I wished I could have done differently, too, like enforced my boundaries .. he made a face at that like "what do you mean?" I gave an example of the EA he had w/ this girl online and how I didn't enforce the not talking to her after that and just let it go after he said I couldn't control who he talked to and he can be friends with whoever he wants. He said "Well, I don't really believe I needed to do that, anyway." I said that that was a problem and I want to be with someone who respects my boundaries (didn't say it was or wasn't him.. just "someone").

THEN... for your entertainment (and mine, I guess)..

H says "I was going to ask you something..but I probably shouldn't"
Me: We just talked about how being open and asking for what we want was a problem before.. why not tell me?
H: You're going to say no, anyway.
*I gave a bunch of somewhat ridiculous examples of things he knows I wouldn't do, and he smiled a bit.. then I just stood silently*
H: OK. I wanted to know if you wanted to have s*x one last time.
Me: Umm... well, I would give you a hug and a kiss. But I don't want to have sex with someone unless I'm in a relationship with them.
H: Well, we ARE still married..
Me: Unless you're willing to provide everything else that goes along with that.. then no.
H: I dressed up just for you.
*cue conversation about his new wardrobe, which included black skinny jeans...so not something he would wear before*
H: I would have had a surprise for you.. it's not a tattoo or anything..
Me: Did you get a piercing or something??
H: No. But I did some shaving.
Me: Umm.. ok... but you just said you were morally opposed to doing anything with anyone while you were married.. usually people don't do that kind of stuff unless they think someone will be down there to see it!
H: I know.. you were coming over.. so I thought it might be a possibility.

?!?!?!

How bad is it that I CONSIDERED IT?? You'd think after all this I wouldn't be attracted to the guy. I settled for a hug and a kiss... ok, 3 kisses. He said "If you change your mind, you know where to find me." I said "Same for you." I mean.. this was an issue in our M (he felt rejected too often) but given the circumstances.. sleeping with him would have just gotten my expectations up. Which I told him, and he said "yeah, I wouldn't want you to think anything of it.. it's just been a year now and it's been hard." I don't want to be someone's booty call.

I asked what was next.. he didn't know. He had the filing paperwork but doesn't know what the next steps are, hasn't put a deposit down on the attorney yet.

OK, go ahead and 2x4 me. I told myself no more R talk the last time we spoke. I am not doing a good DB job here. Can I count it a positive that I didn't have sex with him??

I'm still struggling with the idea of letting of things vs. learning from them. Is he right about me holding on to "trangressions" too much, and to what extent? Is it fair for me to have been distrustful at the level I was at? It's hard to say... it's like a chicken or the egg thing. We just kept feeding into each other (not trusting him --> him keeping more from me --> me distrusting him even more --> him keeping even MORE from me). Maybe this really is the only way to end it. I don't know.

[KGirl]

Forgot to add: One of his comments that seemed so bizarre to me was "It's been months.. and I've been OK.. so I think this is the right decision." OK?? Interesting way to make a decision.

[Georgiabelle]

K Girl,

I'm sure this was a difficult meeting for you and understandably so. You've been with your h a very long time and practically grew up (or one of you did:-) with him. I think you did fine. Really. There is nothing wrong with speaking from the heart with honesty and sincerity.

I have to admit I laughed out loud at your h saying he had a surprise for you and did you want to do the sexy times. He just had to toss that out there:-). I understand why it was difficult for you to say no. If I remember correctly, isn't he the only person you've ever been intimate with? That's a big deal. So I certainly understand how difficult it was for you not to consider the offer.

Hang in there! I think you are doing fantabulous!

[Pink17]

Dear young KGirl,

Even though I just made a big mistake of ending up in bed with H I think you respect yourself well.

You are much more then that and deserve much better then what he was offering you. You stood your ground and it a whole new definition of who you are now.

I may look very dark now, but I believe what Maybell said, that you are just 28 y old and have learned a lot more then what I am trying to grasp with almost 50.

Life gave you this opportunity to learn, grow emotionally and spiritually, you went up and down, you did many things in hope to same your M. Your merits are high and you will always fell proud of yourself for being who you are and even more for who you became.

My life took many different turns and I always needed to learn how to deal with each of them. Be patient with yourself, time is the only remedy for this kind of pain.

I have some friends that tough even about suicide, they tough life was over when they went through a D. But today, they say that they are better off. They found a lot of stuff inside themselves that otherwise they would never find.

Like many people say in this board, D is not the answer. You tried to do the hard work for your M, but your H wants to try life. In my opinion, these are the people that will try again and will fail again. They want the easy way out and they create these fantasy that it will be better with someone else.

Blaming you for his failures to fight for something so important as his M/R is just a sign of weaknesses and sooner or later he will learn that lesson. At that point you will be in a better life, in peace with yourself.

My H is doing just that. When things got difficult in his past, he blamed other people. At work, when things don't go his way then he blames everyone else. In our marriage he most blame my lack of affection. Even his R with his kids is not as good, they don't have much to talk about, then he blames that they are always busy with games and friends.

People that choose to blame others for their responsibility won't be happy, one day they need to face this gap on their personality.

You are doing good beautiful, give yourself a chance to cry, scream, bit the pillow, or even put a hammer on the wall. Let all your hurt out, eat a whole pot of ice cream, whatever makes this horrible feeling to get out of your chest and your brain.

Then wake up the next day and smell the coffee. Try to be upbeat, smile if you can, feel your freedom, dress well so you feel the power of being a new girl in the block.

We are all here for you, keep posting all your new adventures. You are a beautiful person and have a great future ahead.

((((((((((((((((((((((( KGirl )))))))))))))))))))))))

[KGirl]

GB - yes, it was only ever him. It's something that, like being D'ed, always carries with you and you can never get back (that was a pretty depressing sentence...) This is the person I lost my virginity to. It's hard to think about letting all that go and being with someone else in the future. Ack. I find myself wondering if maybe saying yes might have helped. I mean, it was tempting... he said it wouldn't have changed anything but who really knows? Double ack.

Pink - thank you for all your comments. There were several weeks (maybe even months?) at the beginning of this that I really thought my life was over. Suicide crossed my mind.. I don't know that I would have acted on it, but I did have thoughts like "I can't deal with this. I can't live like this." I think H recognizes that this is going to be a struggle for him. He said that he feels like he'll always be missing something no matter what he does or who he is with. If he ends up dating someone else he'll wonder what it would have been like to stay with me... etc. Not my problem to worry about, I guess.

I'm feeling torn. I feel like there is an opportunity here.. maybe? H had said some things I view as hesitation. He told me that we are really close and it's very comfortable and it's hard to imagine finding that with someone else again. He is obviously attracted to me. He likes talking to me and wants to spend time with me. The main hurdle is he thinks I can't change... well, and that he outright said he doesn't think HE will change, and I think there are some things that have to change (like his wandering "eyes"). I don't know if or what I can do. I worry that if I step off the NC wagon and initiate more conversation/being friendly that I'll get my expectations up and it won't mean anything. But it could also lead to something else. NC has gotten me nowhere. In fact, H has commented that we haven't talked in so long, so it's not like we're really in an R, anyway. I'm not sure what if anything I should do differently now.

We're texting now about various things. He first texted saying that I got makeup all over his shirt when we hugged, but it's OK 'cause he'll wear a coat to the store. I said "well if we hooked up, I would have gotten your hair messed up, then how would you have gone to the store?"
H: Easy - I would wear a hat ; )
Me: True.. touche.
And the conversation continues. Ugh. I don't know if this is what I want or what I should do. I want more than small talk but I don't know if small talk is the start to get me there. I'm tempted to say something like "why don't we try hanging out for a bit and see what happens? what have we got to lose?" :S :S

[KGirl]

I think I am reading wayy too much into the fact that he didn't sign the paperwork beforehand (and pointed that out to me). And then didn't sign it after I signed it. Boy. I am having a rough time tonight with this. It's been awhile since he's occupied my thoughts so much and I've been so distraught. A Sara Barielles song comes to mind: ".. you're neither friend nor foe, though I can't seem to let you go, the one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down." He just texted me that the sweatshirt I brought him back smells like pumpkins and fall. I don't know if I can handle this if it doesn't go anywhere. I think I may be setting myself up for big-time disappointment here.

[Georgiabelle]

K Girl,

I bet you are dealing with a flood of thoughts and emotions. Just feel them and sit with them. No hurry:)

You will be fine!

[gan]

Deep breaths, KGirl. I think you did great. That exchange was near identical to my BD, minus the booty call request. You handled that especially well!

[labug]

Well, he's accurate that some people never change, he being one of those.

I hope you're feeling better today. About the continued text convo, you know that's a bit like jumping right back on his roller coaster. Only continue if you have no expectations.

((( )))

[Pink17]

KGirl,

I supposed you are very depressed right now. I would be devastated with all this tormenting situations.

My H comes in a house every day in the morning to pick up the kids. It's horrible, I have been hiding every morning because it's somewhat easier to just not see him.

I would say let yourself feel I the distress of the moment, give yourself a chance to be sad. It will allow you to get rid of all this a little faster.

At this time, you need to surround yourself with good girlfriends, things to do, maybe nice things you want to do that you have been postponing. And prepare yourself for more tough times that is coming ahead.

XMas and New Years are approaching and there will be setting backs, even some stomach ache. Try to make the most and don't be alone. Even when you feel that the best is to close the bedroom door and hide, don't let yourself go that path, force yourself to be among other people.

And by the way, what are your GAL activities. I have been trying very hard to get out there and do some things.

In regard of how much to talk to your H, maybe the vets here can say something better, but I would think if and when I get at this point in my M, I would feel some kind of freedom to talk to H. I would not pursue, because you will feel worse then you are feeling now. But if he goes after you, then be his friend.

At this point, even if it is killing you inside, show him you decide to live your life, you are OK with yourself. Try do not have any expectations with him, it would only bring more pain every time you hear him saying that your R is over.

But, I would keep the friendship. When I came to this forum, I read a story about a guy that helped his wife to move in with her new boyfriend. He kept the friendship, he was there for her. With time, her R with the OG started to deteriorate, as expected, and she found comfort and new person he was showing her. Result... they got back together because then they had nothing to lose and they had a better communication since they were friends.

Maybe that's why some couples get back together after the D, because there is nothing more to lose and feel free and you are yourself again.

25 mention in another sitch that two of her family members got together after D, and I know two friends that also got together after the D.

Just don't have your hopes high. Take good care after yourself and give yourself some space and time to process all the pain and discomfort that comes from the D.

I have been preparing myself in some ways and I know there will be nothing that will keep me from the pain. Keep in mind that many girls say that was the most horrible thing they went through but they survived and found peace at some point, and with time and patience they found a life again.

Hope you feel better. Keep in mind you are young, life will smile to you very, very soon.

We all love you a lot here, we are with you all the way, even without a face, you know someone out there is praying for you, cares for you and admire a beautiful person you have became.

Take care sunshine,

(((((((((((((((((((((( KGirl )))))))))))))))))))))))))
Pink