A little journaling with nothing to say. No contact with H yesterday at all. The girls and I had a quiet evening at home, which is my preference on Friday nights. By the time the end of a busy week rolls around, I'm done.
This morning the girls and I decorated the tree, it's finished. I'm being a little petty, choosing not to hang certain ornaments because they are either related to our M, or to H specifically. I just don't want to look at them, and the girls didn't notice.
Today D12 and I are going to a basketball game with a friend and her mom and we'll make some cookie dough later. Both girls need to study for mid-terms, so the evening should be quiet. I have a long list of things to do while they are studying.
We had a great time at the game, and the mom invited us to their family restaurant for a late lunch after. The food was amazing and it was nice to get to know the mom a little. The girls had a great time too
I had left my phone at home accidentally and when I got back there were two texts from H. Oops!
Good grief! How can writing Christmas cards be hard? Such a dilemma on how to sign them. Ended up signing all five names like I always do, most people don't know anyway, don't want to spring it on them in a Christmas card. But I'm not writing cards to H's business partners, he can do that himself.
My H earned a couple of brownie points in the friend department this morning. I woke up to a text giving me a heads up about the opening song at church. It's a song he wrote in the period before BD that he had already been seeing the duck for months, and taken off his wedding band. It talks about how love can overcome any obstacle. After BD, when they sang it in church for the first time, I realized how all this fit together, and I realized that the anniversary card he had given me a few weeks before BD had the same theme, love will overcome. I had to leave the service. During our One Big Conversation after BD, I told him how much it hurt me to sit in church and watch him stand on the same spot we took our wedding vows and hear him sing that love will win, knowing he had been with OW the day before. It had never occurred to him that it might. They haven't sung it since, but apparently are today, and that's what the text was about. But darn it, I"m running a little late this morning and will probably miss it!
I saw a documentary last night and I won't go into the whole thing but it contained a discussion on forgiveness that was profound. I even looked up the transcript to read it again.
"To me, when I think of forgiving, it doesn't mean that you have forgotten what he's done. But it means that you have released unto God the one who has offended you. And you have given up your right to seek revenge. I place the situation in God's hands and just accept that this is the way it was. And I choose not to hold it against Charles because it really doesn't help me anything anyway."
"... I was so thankful to God that I don't need to make a judgment on his soul. And there was just a wash of peace. For me it was like unloading baggage. It was just like, "Wow. I don't need to deal with this. This is God's territory."
These people were parents speaking of a heinous crime but it takes the same forgiveness no matter the transgression, doesn't it?
Grace.
Have a wonderful day, rpp!
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
rpp, it's not that I think you need a sermon on forgiveness, it's that the story of your H's prideful ways called that to mind.
labug, I never question why you say the things you do. It has become obvious that God is using different pathways to speak to me, to say what I need to hear when I need to hear it. You are one.
Fourteen years ago, when I discovered that H had been emailing my best friend inappropriately, I was halfway through a book that saved my sanity. One point was that vengeance belongs to God, and I don't have to worry about it. He can do it up right in a way that I never could. That concept is something I've carried forward with me all these years.
I don't know that I've completely forgiven H for the A. Loyalty is huge for me. Huge. But I'm not seeking revenge and I'm not angry. I can be pleasant around him, and cooperate with him on kid and house things. That's a good place to be for now.
I feel like I'm done, but not in a spiteful way. I'm not trying to get away from him, don't want anything from him that I'm not entitled to, don't want to make his life with the duck hard, don't want to keep him from our kids. I'm just done. He's not who I want, and not especially because of the A and/or recent lies. Those are just the nail in the coffin. Granted, I never would have taken any action myself, but H did and so be it.
We have both agreed not to file for the 4 month S. And I will honor that. And I am also not willing to rock the boat right now to my financial detriment. So I will be patient. And continue to observe.
So, I was a little late for church and missed the opening song. The girls didn't go with me yesterday, and so after church when H wanted to go to breakfast, I politely declined. He seemed surprised.
We had already planned to meet for coffee later in the afternoon to go over Christmas presents, and we did. When we had finalized the gift plans, we chatted a bit, smiled and laughed, then I said I needed to go. Later he texted me several times about kid calendar, about Christmas gifts, thanked me for the coffee, etc. Nothing earth shattering, all either business or chit chat.
The girls and I baked and decorated Christmas cookies after that, it was so nice all of us in the kitchen, Christmas music playing. We had dinner together after, and then D16's bf came over for a while. A very pleasant evening.
I feel a little bad reporting what a great weekend I had when so many people here seem like they are in such pain. Wishing everyone some holiday peace.
I feel like I'm done, but not in a spiteful way. I'm not trying to get away from him, don't want anything from him that I'm not entitled to, don't want to make his life with the duck hard, don't want to keep him from our kids. I'm just done. He's not who I want, and not especially because of the A and/or recent lies. Those are just the nail in the coffin. Granted, I never would have taken any action myself, but H did and so be it.
you have come so far.
I also think you're done.
On to continuing to excavate the real rpp.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
The girls didn't go with me yesterday, and so after church when H wanted to go to breakfast, I politely declined. He seemed surprised.