Ganb8te 3 - conquering crow pose

[jim0987]

Watch and monitor, what works well do more of.

Just remember its about what gets them back long term not makes them nice short term.

My W is much nicer to me when she spent the evening before with OM - definitely not the affect i want more of.

[gan]

Thanks, Jim. It's so hard to tell though, isn't it? I guess that's why I've started to track our exchanges a little more carefully as we see each other so infrequently it is hard to tell. I expect it makes for boring reading so apologies for that!

I've just been reading GGGs thread and found your interpretation of her H very interesting. I'm wondering if there is a bit of my H in the things you wrote there...

[jim0987]

Tracking is a good idea and sharing it means some others might see a pattern.

I'm glad you found it interesting. Whether its correct or helpful is a very different matter

[LisaB]

Giirrrrlllllllll, hey! It's been a while since I've checked in and WHOA! Something exciting is happening! You communicated with your H! He asked you to have a drink! And you are meeting up on Monday!

This is pretty much what you wanted, no? But you are not pleased. WHAT?

Go back and read the end of your last thread where you wondered how to get back in communication with him and how you could get him to meet up. Hello! That is what is happening now. Terrific!

Embrace it and make it as awesome as you possibly can.

1. Look hot
2. Show PMA
3. Show off your 180s
4. Try to figure out where he is at without asking

Be friendly, happy and cool Ganb8te! You can do it!

[gan]

Thanks, Lisa, for the kick in the pants. I'm feeling a bit better about things tonight. You're right, it is good that we're going out.

How to explain my feelings the last couple of days….I suppose there were a few possible outcomes after I sent my text the other day:

1. H replies, invites me out because he wants to see me
2. H replies, invites me out because he feels obligated
3. H replies, but doesn't invite me out
4. H does not reply

So, it's good that I didn't open Door 3 or 4. Now the question is whether I opened Door 1 or Door 2. Door 2 is bothersome to me since I see him do it with his Mum. He doesn't want to see her but does it out of obligation. I don't put myself in the same category. Far as I'm concerned, if he knows he doesn't want to be in an R with me then he should feel no obligation to me. No sense prolonging this mess.

I'll have to wait and see if it was Door 1 or Door 2…but I'd feel more confident that it was Door 1 if he texted me first and invited me out (or asked if I was ok given the whole siege thing for Pete's sake).

[gan]

So, I managed to pen a letter and would appreciate some feedback. To explain the context, H invited me out for a drink on Monday night (after I broke NC by sending him a text about something else). My plan is to have a letter in my pocket to give to him if the circumstances feel right i.e. if he expresses the same thing he did previously (IF we were to get back together it would have to be a completely different relationship, right now he doesn't see how that could happen). If he says he's seeing someone, that he's done for good etc then I would not give it to him.

Why a letter? Because when we were together I sometimes wrote letters to him about how I was feeling and he responded positively. Because it was usually me who took the initiative to plan things, do things, move us forward and waiting for him to initiate seems very risky. Because I wonder if he is depressed and can't find a way forward in himself. Because he's about to attend his sister's wedding and meet our nephew for the first time and I'm sure it will provoke some deep thinking. Because my IC keeps suggesting I do it based on everything I've told her!

I'm least certain about the sentences in red (definite pursuing).

… … … … …

Dear H,

The end of the year is always a time for reflection and this year there is a lot to reflect on. I've spent a lot of time thinking about our relationship the last 6 months. Things really weren't going well the last few years, and so your decision to leave made sense in many ways. It still makes me sad, but I accept that you were unhappy and needed space.

One thing I still find so difficult is knowing that the things you want from a new relationship - more fun, more passion, more connection - are the same things I want. It's hard for me to understand why we would go our separate ways in search of that rather than choose to create the relationship we want, together. Or at least give it a try. I may never understand that.

I read a really enlightening book a few months ago called Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch. In many ways it put into words what I drew the night you told me you wanted to separate (two overlapping circles). He explains how important it is for us to maintain a sense of self when we are in a long term relationship with another person. If we don't, we get lost and end up distancing ourselves from the other person to reduce the pressure we're feeling (the opposite of connection/intimacy). He says the solution is to learn to soothe our own anxieties and confront our own issues so not to unnecessarily burden the marriage. There was so much in this book that reminded me of our relationship. I think we both got a little lost/stuck the last few years and so it became difficult to articulate what we needed from the other person.

I hope through all of this, we will both find the happiness we deserve. If you never want to return to our relationship then I know I must accept this. I certainly don't want you to return to an unhappy marriage. I hope though, that you will reconsider your decision because I truly believe we have an amazing opportunity in front of us to create the relationship we want now that we've exposed these wounds.


G

[vossy]

Hi Ganb8te. I'm not sure how I feel about you giving over the letter, as it *generally* seems like a method of pursuit. However, in terms of how the letter reads, it is very calm and well articulated and to-the-point.

The only issue I have is that it seems, overall, that it is a question. It reads to me like it needs an answer. And I'm not sure he's ready to give you an answer.

I think you should continue to explore methods of communication with him and hanging out with him and being your best self, but I think you should try to avoid any R talk at this point.

[gan]

Thanks, Vossy. Interesting perspective about it sounding like it's a question. I suppose you are right - I would like some definitive answer at some point but I'm not in a rush to get it right now and that is not the aim of the letter.

[Okabe]

Hey Ganb8te,
While I don't know your sitch too well I had a thought on your letter.
I know elsewhere in the forum they don't recommend suggesting R books or articles to your spouse.
Do you think the passage from the Snarch book would get through to your H? Or would it be simply resisted or discarded? I don't know how receptive he is to that kind of feedback. I have gotten tempted at times to send my W articles that I think would help but in reality she would probably turn a blind eye to or get annoyed by it.
Not saying I am right, just something to think about.

[Calibri]

I have to echo Okabe about the Snarch book paragraph. It could possibly come across as, "look - this is what's wrong with you, and how you can fx it."

My general advice, to take with a grain of salt cause I'm doing soooooooo well/sarcasm:

When in doubt, leave it out.

----

Also, I went back and re-read your threads. And I wanted to give you a virtual hug. Some of the things that your H said to you, mine said to me, or something similar. When my H told me he was moving out, it was promises of rainbows and butterflies: we will still talk, see each other, I'm right down the road if you need anything. And then the [censored] went downhill from there.

I just find it so strange that a globe apart, two women (and literally not just us, everyone here on the board and thousands of other people) are going through a eerily life changing situation. Makes the world seem smaller, and puts into perspective how we all can be connected by shared experiences.

Or my meds could be talking. :-)