Angry WAH blames me for everything.......

[Calibri]

Pink,

As always, thank you for stopping by and spreading such warmth on my thread. It's always warming to see your positive outlook.

I've heard about EMDR. My IC and I have talked about it. I'll be interested in seeing how it works for you.

The funny thing is, I thought I had worked through a majority of my issues and had come to peace with most of them. But with taking care of my grandfather and being pissed off at my dad combined with H leaving, I realize that there are a few things that aren't resolved, they've been brewing underneath the surface....and have exploded in my face.

IC and I have talked about working on what's bothering me in my own life, and issues within my M - as H is against working on the marriage at this time. That feels like the right thing to do (all though my next post is going to seem counter intuitive to this), as the only person I can focus on is myself. By working on those issues, I hope to become a better person who will cut herself some slack, and in turn, others as well.

It will be out of my comfort zone, but I'm hoping that it will be worth it.

[Calibri]

Ok, so this post is going to be counter-intuitive to what I just said to Pink. But, I opened a door I probably shouldn't have with H, and I need advice - would love if the vets could help out here.

H is less angry. He's *saying* that he said alot of things over the past two months towards me that while angry, were not based on his feelings. He appears to be softening his stance towards me (saying that he wishes he did things differently, that the problems we're having our his fault too, etc). However, he's still not open to working on our M "at this time." He says he's not where he needs to be emotionally, still needs to work on himself, etc. The last time he addressed our R he said, "he was open to the idea of reconciliation in the future, but found it very hard to imagine that scenario. I also got the ILYBNILWY punctuated by "i'll never open my heart to you again because of all the pain you've caused me." (Which, for the record, he's sort of taken that back, but I'm taking that with a grain of salt.)

The other day I texted him and said I would like to have the opportunity to talk to him because there were some things on my mind and I didn't want them to fester and become bigger. I immediately regretted sending that text because I knew that anything I had to say really wasn't a)productive DBing and b)going to fall upon receptive ears. Shockingly he texted me back and agreed and I thanked him but said that I actually wanted to contemplate my feelings more and perhaps talk at a later time. He followed up the next day asking me if I wanted to talk about it. I again reiterated no, but said I was receptive to having a general conversation if he felt up to it. He agreed.

We've basically have been limited contact (ie: me texting him to see if he was alive) since his AD meds increased. He purposely put the distance between us because he didn't want to blow up on me and he was feeling very stressed and irritable. He's in the process of changing meds now.

We were supposed to chat last night, he blew me off, I politely confronted him about it. And I blew off some steam, using lots of I feel this way when you said this but then did that. Etc. Despite all of this, he still expressed an interest in starting to have conversations with me.

So. What do I say in these conversations, should they happen? Knowing that my H doesn't want to work on our M "right now"/if ever. Obviously no R talks. I know he reads my facebook because he referenced something I posted today and said, "your post today made me chuckle. I want to hear more of the great stories you have." To which I responded, "You'd know about the great stories if I was even on your radar and you wouldn't shut me out." (Mental 2x4 - multiple times).

Obviously no responses like that. I'd like to show off what progress I've made without saying it, I'd like to make him want to talk to me more. Basically, I'd like to position myself so H things less of me as the big bad bitchy wife, and more of the W he fell in love with, 10 years ago. With the hopes that it might guide him towards working on the M.

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I feel like I'm auditioning to be a part of my marriage again.

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Advice?

[Lorelai]

Oh Calibri!

I feel like I'm auditioning to be part of my marriage too. I don't feel experienced enough to give a lot of advice, but I'll just say something I read in DR that's helped me a ton when I'm wondering if it's OK to say this or that or talk about something. MWD said something along the lines in DR like "No one ever got in trouble for something they didn't say." For my own marriage, my husband felt controlled but I also know my words had a big impact on him—criticism, things yelled during fighting, etc—so I'm ver careful with my words these days!

Not sure if I helped or hijacked your thread. It's good your H is opening up to you though!

[Pink17]

Hi Calibri,

You know I am not a vet but have some miles on me. I feel a lot like you personally. It's difficult for us to talk about some issues we want to resolve, we are tough girls, we learned to be that way.

But, but, but... we are also trying to change that and become more lovable, spontaneous, have a smile in our faces and feel light. We want to stop the anxiety, fear, pressure. It's very hard for me to stop reacting to everything I see as a treat to hurt me, my feelings. And I am quite sure you also do that even in your dreams, just like me, it's automatic.

So, like Lorelai said, maybe you try to hear more what he can say to you, behave very DB. Make sure he knows you acknowledge all what he is saying. Have eye contact, be gentle without being fake. Be patient, patient, and when you think you can blow again, be patient.

Instead of blowing on his face for all he has been hurting you. Try to blow his mind seeing that you are a nicer girl and maybe, just maybe he will think he was too confused and did not see how much he needs you, how much he still loves you.

Like my H, yours does not want to work on the M right now, so plant a little seed of confusion on him. It will probably make him back off a little bit, make him afraid of his own feeling for you, but he will think, and he will think of you.

Good luck honey! I will keep you posted on my progress with EMDR, it sounds like it can help me.

Hugs,
Pink

[Calibri]

I don't understand how someone can not be opposed to having a reconciliation, but doesn't want to commit to actually working on the marriage? But then wants to have conversations to see what happens and go from there? And for the record, I didn't even want to talk about the damn R. It just freaking snowballed and sucked both of us into it.

.....in other words, convo with H didn't go well. I suck at DBing. We both suck at communication. We can't break the cycle of our communication problems that we have when there's conflict.

So he wants us to ask our IC's individually how we should handle breaking the cycle. That would probably require us to have C. Together. Which would constitute working on the R. Which is what H doesn't want to do, right now.

*throws confetti in the air*

So frustrated right now. More to post later but I'm off to my company work party where I gave to put on a happy face. But damn it, I'll at least look good.

[Little]

Yikes. I'm sorry that's the circle you find yourself. It is, indeed, a frustrating loop.

You go look cute, lady. You deserve to have a good time.

[TLEE86]

Am I the only one that sees this as a positive? The fact that he wants you guys to ask your IC's how to fix your communication problems, to me, sounds like a good step. And if you guys go to counseling together isn't that a good thing? I know you said your H doesn't want to work on the M but going to counseling to fix your problem, even if it's just communication, seems very positive to me? The fact that he is even addressing it sounds like he wants to work on it.

RE: your H wants to have conversations and go from there

obviously I'm no vet but my W said the same thing a while back. That she just wants to be able to talk to each other again and just see what happens. To me all this means is they want to establish some sort of communication to where your friends again and not at each other's throats or just angry all the time. They just want to see if you can even talk to each other again because if not then obviously there's no marriage to be saved...

These are just my thoughts, my W said the same thing and now we are very friendly when we talk to each other. I know that a lot of vets say it is not about what makes your H/W nice to you but what he/she does to make the M work, but IMHO if your WAS is not nice to you and isn't talking to you on a friendly level, how can you save the marriage?

Any vets out there that care to shed some light on this in case I'm way off base, please share

[Pink17]

Hi Calibri,

I am not a vet, but I think you got to the top of the mountain. It's time to take good care after yourself girl.

Your H is very confused, stressed out and is dealing with meds, he does not know what path to take, and maybe does not know if there is any path at all.

You said that his parents were very manipulative, and I see that in some ways that is what he is doing. I am not saying he knows that, but he is doing it because it's what he learned to do to handle situations in his life.

The whole meltdown is a sign of weaknesses. He put himself in that position because he does not need to confront himself. His insecurities does not allow him to see with clarity, he is in the fog.

And if he has some issues like Bipolar Disorder or Personality Disorder, then he won't see anything the same way you see it. It would be good to determined that he has or not those kind of mental issues. It makes a world of difference if he is diagnosed and takes the correct medication. He becomes just normal again. The fact that he did start acting this way after his family reunion just show that it could be the trigger for all meltdown.

So, I would take a step back and think about the patterns, what you think he is looking for with all this. He does not want to be far from you, he trust you and he probably love you. But in the same time, because you are a determined person, you are also a symbol of his failures, his inferiority.

He may never say this to you but deep inside he knows he needs to step out of his comfort zone. He needs to confront his issues by himself. You can give him some support letting him know you care deeply for him, but you may want to make it clear that he needs to sort all this stuff up on his own.

Maybe, you need to make it clear to him that you want to work on your M, but going through this hard time in your life made you understand that you had your own problems and have decided to work on making yourself a better person.

Maybe the best is to have some time and space, and you can even tell him that. That you have been thinking and decide to give yourself some time to work on your own issues.

This will make him think. Also will give him some perspective that he is not the only one that struggles during this time.

The least what you want is to make things worse, and it just sound like the stress is growing. He is going in circles, buying time so he does not need to face his own issues.

With kind words, and I mean just kind, not kissing his behind, you can let the guard down for a bit and let him see the fragile side of you. You don't need to look needy, but look as a person that had enough. That this whole drama is poisoning your soul.

In some ways he may also take a step back and think of what he is doing, what he wants, what he may lose, what is important for him and most important who he is in all of this mess he create for himself.

The most important thing here is not "do what is the same and does not work". You two are going cheese-less tunnels. Stop, think, breath, reassess, look for options. You know this man and you can probably think of what happens when you talk to him is way A, B or C. How is the interaction between you too when you say things that show you more vulnerable, maybe this way he can step up and feels that he makes a difference for you.

You know that the tough side, the controlling, confronting, being bossy is not working for you. Then, even if you need some time away from him, think about ways that can better approach him. If he calls you, be nice to the point it does not hurt you. And then be off again. You don't want to go dark, but you don't want to suffocate him. There must be a balance.

I hope it helps with some ideas, It's just a perspective from a 3rd person's eyes.

Be good to yourself, don't beat yourself up. I have been trying very hard to be gentle to myself and it's helping to reach my core.

Lots of Hugs to you!
Pink

[Calibri]

TLEE-

I would view it as positive if he actually meant it. And right now I don't believe 90% of what comes out of his mouth. He has a history of saying whatever the other person wants to hear in the conversation.

He will say and do things he doesn't want to do, all for the sake of not wanting to rock the boat. Or having someone think poorly of him, etc and so forth.

He's pulled something like about once a month since BD labor day weekend. He will suggest talking or hanging out "to see how it goes" and then either won't follow through, will get pissed off at something I've said or done, or will reveal that he never wanted to do anything he suggested in the first place. He was just making the suggestion because it was the, "right thing to do" or my personal favorite, "I thought that this would be a way of letting you down easier." Yes, because pretending to work on our relationship with no intentions of actually doing the work? Great way to let me down.

If I sound angry or bitter, it's because I am. I'm letting it out here.

I'm painted into a corner. I can't initiate conversations because that's "pursuing" as defined by DB and him. He won't communicate with me unless he's feeling over 75% happy and or not tired. So, we aren't talking. If we do talk, I'm supposed to keep it light and upbeat (as defined by DB and him) and anticipate how long of a conversation he can "handle." Because talking to me or texting me can "trigger" (hi Ss, I feel your pain.) his bad moods. Ones that last for days, which puts us right back at not talking. The rules are now defined by him, and they change daily, and I never know what they are because he never articulates them, and then gets mad at me when I step over a boundary that he hasn't defined, verbally. While they may be defined in his head, I am not a mind reader and I cannot abide by so,etching I don't know. Which is part of the reason we are where we are at. He doesn't say anything, I have no idea and then I'm resented for it.

Add in the few times that we have talked? It's either met with apathy, ambiguity or leaves me questioning if he's talking to me because he wants to or out of obligation.

It's a crap place to be.

So yes, I would love to view it as a positive. But it actually has to play out.

In regards to everyday talking - I'd love to do that as well. However, I get frustrated by the constant rule changes. The talking only on his schedule, which is dependent upon his mood. And you add in the fact that I feel he's manipulating a lot of people, combined with his hair trigger temper. We don't get very far.

It's a vicious merry go round. I'm ready to get off of it.

[Calibri]

Pink,

Getting ready to fall asleep, so will respond in depth tomorrow - but you hit the nail on the head with this statement:

"You are as symbol of his failures, his inferiority."

And that, Pink, is why I'm afraid that this M won't work out.

Ugh.