still holding on - 5

[u-turn]

Her anger is increasing daily. Last night she lashed out at me about me not caring about her and what she is doing. I tried to validate this, but also told her that I disagree about this. She was very angry and breaking some things.

She ended by telling me again that she is done. She said she wanted to figure how to do this - She moves out, I move out, we separate in the house - luckily the kids were not home to hear this.

She told me to write down what I want and we will go from there.

I told her that I have told her dozens of times what I wanted. She said that is not what she meant. (she meant for me to list my separation demands).

I told her that since I am not the one who wants to separate, I think she should write down what she wants as a starting point. She said fine.

She slept on the couch last night - first in a very long time, and she was still angry this morning.

I am letting this sit today. I did say goodbye to her when I left this morning, but she needs to make the next move.

I'm calm about this - just feel defeated.

[u-turn]

Already an apology text from W:

w:I am extremely frustrated with us and I am sorry for yelling at you
me:I can see how you feel that way. I am too
me:what would help you feel better

I know this is straight from the validation sheet - but I have to think more about my responses to her.

This is getting us nowhere - the roller coaster continues. She can move this forward if she chose to.

[T-Mom]

I am also really glad that your kids were not there for the yelling, especially your daughter. Being 14 is tough enough to deal with, and you being the reasonable and calming force is crucial for all of the kids. You keep that up, for them... for you too, but right now for them. They will deal with relationship issues in their future's and you are role modeling the strength that we all need to be able to appropriately deal with these issues.

[u-turn]

I think we have done a marginally good job sheltering the kids from this. Though they do know that there are significant problems at home.

I am in a much better emotional state than I was in during the summer - I was projecting my emotions and they were being affected. I try my hardest not to direct any negativity concerning their mother to them. I want them to be able to form their own opinions without me pushing them. But I also want them to know that they are loved by both of us - even thought I don't always think it is apparent.

I stop myself from telling or showing them "can't you see what she's doing?". I think sometimes they do see it, but I try to calm things down - for them. I have not and will not lie to them about what is happening, but haven't been put in a position to explain things to them since I've been working at this.

I sometimes think also that the kids feel like this is all my fault. My detachment is so different than W & I used to act together. They may feel that I am giving up and not giving their mother what she needs right now. That makes detachment more difficult because I am not visibly showing them that I still love their mom, they don't hear me saying that I love her, and they don't see me actively trying to fix things.

It's very confusing for all of us.

[T-Mom]

I can relate to that difficulty. I think you are doing well with the kids, and they are, IMO, THE most important part of the whole puzzle. My son is the reason I believe that my H and I were meant to be together. I just don't know if that is still the case.

[T-Mom]

U-turn.... how are you doing?

[u-turn]

Hi T-Mom. thanks for checking up on me.

It was a somewhat low PMA weekend, though I didn't show it. We had very little communication or interaction. I had some good moments with the kids though.

I had a great conversation with a H/S client of mine on Sunday, they asked the right questions at the right time and I opened up to them (I never intended to open up to anyone about this yet). They were great and supportive - it feels good to talk to someone that I trust. They are wise people, both went through divorces and gave me great supportive advice that is not different than advice here - I will get through this and be better in the end. The only smack that I got is when they asked me if I was really happy - before BD. That made me really think, and it was a little upsetting that I couldn't just say yes. I thought about this all day. She is a hospice councilor and is giving me the names of some IC that they trust and think it would be valuable to consider seeing.

This morning - W sat with me as I was eating my breakfast and told me she is reading some information on some website that gives her some hope, but also reads things there that just say I will never get over this and it's hopeless. This is unusual, we have hardly spoke about us in a long while.

I told her that she and I have different ideas of how to handle and move forward from this. She agreed.

She said that we cannot continue with with me being mistrusting - It's not mentally healthy for either of us. She doesn't want to constantly tell me where she is, where she is going, how long she will be there.

She said that I also do not talk to her about what I am doing. I agreed with this.

She told me that she ruined my trust - it is her fault.

I agreed that this is not how a normal relationships should be and has never been how we used to be.

I left this conversation open, because I had to go work. She gave me a hug before I left. She hasn't done this in weeks. I feel like she is warming up, but I don't know how to trust her, and I don't know if it's real, and I don't know if I should reciprocate and communicate more. She wants to go Christmas shopping for the kids tonight.

I'm not really sure how to continue this - I always think that I want to communicate more.

[u-turn]

I don't know if it is time to just start trusting her.

Could it be possible that she could be out of the A and never show remorse, never say she's willing to do whatever it takes, just wants to brush it away and move on?

How will I know this? It is tough for me because I am looking for more (some kind of announcement or sign), but may never get it with her.

[Little]

If your spouse wants to reconcile, there will be ZERO way you won't know it. ZERO.

[T-Mom]

u-turn,

Get advice from vets before proceeding, but I think that a direct question might be ok now.... "The only way we could ever get through this would be if we are both putting a high priority on our M, and are together in this without either of us looking for something else. I am able to do that. Have you ended your r with OM?"