still holding on - 5

[u-turn]

Little,
I know that I cannot bring these things up to her - not my job to shame her. But somewhere in there she must realize that this is not how we would want the kid treated or to treat someone else.

That really kills me - we've tried so hard to teach the kids the right things.

[T-Mom]

u-turn,
You still ARE teaching the kids the right things.

[u-turn]

Trying to empty my mind:

W tells me this morning that she has a christmas party tonight and doesn't know if she will be coming home. She looks at me like she doesn't know why this concerns me. Every other time she has stayed overnight this year, OM was there. I have not proof of this happening tonight, just red flag signals.

She knows I don't trust her, but she in no way tries to re-build this trust. She hides everything.

I want to call her out about this, tell her what I think is happening, tell her what has happened all year, and why I don't trust her, but don't think this is the right answer.

Or let OMW know tonight and ruin their family before the holiday (not doing this)

I hear that this is her journey, I can't stop her from making decisions that I don't agree with, and she has free will. But...

I don't know if she has told the kids that she isn't coming home tonight (this is a big deal to me - because it falls on me to smooth things out)

All I can do is spend some quality time with my kids and try and thought block. (not feeling very clint eastwood-y right now)

[paul19510]

Its not up to you to smooth things out. Your W needs to explain this overnight if it needs an answer for the kids. That's part of dealing with what she is doing...IMHO

[u-turn]

Thanks - I know that Paul

This is how the conv. will go with my kids

Kids: where's mom?
Me: she's at a christmas party
Kids: oh, again? - (sad face)
Me: yep
4 hours later Kids: when's mom coming home
Me: I don't know (lie #1)
....or
Me: she's not - she didn't tell you?
kids: no - why not?
Me: You'll have to ask her
....or
Me: let's play a game (I'll fight back the urge to tell the kids what is really happening)

They will be monitoring me at this point - I will need to hide my feelings.

I am a little ramped up today (and reading other's threads). I feel like moving on because she is not interested in fixing this.

I don't know what has happened to my PMA - I really thought I was going to be ok.

I see Rzrbcks situation and feel like I am near the same place. I am considering sending a message:

W-I know what is going on. I am only interested in a transparent, monogamous relationship with you and I know right now this is not happening. This is a decision you have to make though I understand that you do not want to make it. This is non-negotiable for me and I cannot believe that you don't understand this. Anything else is disrespectful to all of us including yourself.

I am done feeling like this.

She's asked me what's wrong, she's asked me why I still have nightmares - she should know.

I've stated my boundaries before which only made her hide things more. I have no intel any more. She does not care to work anything out - just hide and deceive.

[T-Mom]

u-turn,
Who knows what's REALLY going on? I mean, be careful of an accusation without proof... and maybe even with proof... Detach... remember? Think logically, like Spock... seriously should have been my name on here! LOL! Enjoy the evening with your kids, and try not to think about any of that nonsense because it is so out of your control.

[Little]

I think, in this instance, telling the kids you don't know what mom's plans are is okay. Is it technically a lie? Yes. But it's not on you to smooth it out (as you've been told) and worrying them does nothing.

This is an adult's business and the kids don't need to be in on it; nor do you need to be in the middle.

W-I know what is going on. I am only interested in a transparent, monogamous relationship with you and I know right now this is not happening. This is a decision you have to make though I understand that you do not want to make it. This is non-negotiable for me and I cannot believe that you don't understand this. Anything else is disrespectful to all of us including yourself.

I am done feeling like this.

I reworked the above for you: I know what is going on with OM. I am only interested in a transparent, monogamous relationship with you. It non-negotiable for me, as I feel anything else is disrespectful to our marriage. You will need to make a choice.

[u-turn]

Thanks little.
I can see that it is best to be vague with the kids. I don't want them changing their opinions because of something that I said. I have tried to stay in the high road through this and should not change that path.

I do like the revisions to the note - much more simply stated. I am wondering whether to do this now. She will deny it and accuse me of accusing her of something that is not true.

She in no way has helped me rebuild my trust in her. She hasn't even asked me to trust her.

[u-turn]

Had a great night with the kids. S20 came home w/ his gf. We played some games, ate, was up pretty late. I pictured my future single life. It seems good to me. I can do it.

Now I'm having feelings that I haven't fealt and dealt with in a while. W didn't come home and my mind is out of control. I'll want to find out if she wants to be married to me or not. Once and for all. Wtf is going on? How can she think this is ok?

[u-turn]

Update. I found out today that the chrismas party was another lie. She lied about it all to spend the night with Om. She lied to our kids too.

Tonight I told her that I know about all of the lies she told me this year. That it is disrespectful to me and our family. I need to know what she wanted to do.

I told her that I just wanted a monagomous relationship with her. She rolled her eyes at this.

I told her that I would have done anything for us. She looked at me with disbelief. I told her I have fought for us by myself. She got a little angry with this.

Not a good script. She didnt seem shocked by this. She just coldly said ok after each sentence. Then said we will do this after the first of the year.

I asked if this is what she wanted. She said yes.

I then left to take D14 to dinner.

No tears. No yelling. No emotions. Just some nervousness from me.

I am ok with this. But I dont know what to expect. Or what to do.

She doesnt care.