separated filed walking on II

[paul19510]

Sometimes two people are heslthier apart than together. I am learning to accept that it just is what it is. For many months now i have struggled to understand "why". I know that i am in a better frame of mind these days. I kow that my kids have a better version of me these days. In the beginnjng, i was hurting so much i am nit sure i was my best self. Time and distance have helped all of us. My kids are beginning to"level out". Our new routines are firmly in place. I continue to wake up each morning thsnkful cor what i have instead of bitter for what i don't have. I like that.

W is still in a hurtful place. I would not want to live like she does. But its not my life. I guess sometimes saying goodbye and good luck is all we have.

[labug]

Good for you, Paul!

[paul19510]

W called today. She objected to the wording in a letter from my L stating that i felt she hsd been in the house at times when i was not aware and thst she should not do that. We spoke for a few moments. I had introduced her to my GF on monday. They shook hands and were cordial. She told me today thst she thought my GF was nice and seemed good for me. She hopes for the best of luck for us.

W told me she had been dating and wasn't liking it much. We are trying to get to the end of the process without hurting each other any more than we already have. I told her i don't like the process and that i don't like going to see the L .etc. W said she hoped we'd come out of this ok and be happier again some day. I told her i was getting there.

I thanked her for calling and ended the convo. I emailed my L with terks she was interested in and told him we both want to get this done soon without much more work.

[paul19510]

Journaling: We continue our path toward D. I bumped into my STBX FIL yesterday while at a worksite near his home. he stopped at a bank ATM only a few feet from where I was. We spoke for about 20 minutes. We haven't seen each other or spoken since 2 days after W left in December. She lives with her parents.

FIL said he and MIL don't blame me for what happened and still think of me fondly and often. He saw pic's of me and GF on FB and are "happy for me to have found someone".

I was honest to say, I didn't feel that we had to be divorced but I had accepted W's request to not be married anymore and had simply begun to move forward with my life. He said he understood that.

I am still learning to let go of this. My mind wonders what more I could have done. Did I stand long enough after years of dysfunction and hurt...?? I believe I have made the best choices possible with the information I had at the time.

In the end, it comes down to one simple thing... that someone wants you or they don't. W didn't want me. I can't make her want me. I have to let go.

[stumps]

In the end, it comes down to one simple thing... that someone wants you or they don't. W didn't want me. I can't make her want me. I have to let go.

This was painful to read... but I'm realizing it is the truth of my situation. Maybe all of our situations...relationships in general.

[Shakspr]

Paul: There's a lot of heart in this thread. You are clearly a good man and trying the hardest you can to do what is right. Thank you for posting on my thread and leading me back here.

[paul19510]

Journaling: W brought D17 home from school because she wasn't feeing well. Its the first time I've seen W or spoken to her in a while. the convo was peaceful and polite. We discussed D17's health issue for the day and we discussed the other kids in general for a moment.

I also told W that I had contacted my L as per our last convo a few weeks ago, but that nothing had progressed. her boxes are still in my Living room. I asked when she would be retrieving them as they were taking up space and I wanted to continue to clean out things. She said she didn't have the space and didn't know when.

Overall the convo was good and I maintained PMA and smiles. My W looks much different to me now. She has aged during these months and has lost a lot of weight. I was surprised at the changes.

I am noticing that W seems more relaxed now. I think that my dropping the rope has eased the pressure on her and she can relax somewhat more now. Each day I see more changes that I'd like to continue to make for myself. its a process. I have no illusions of W coming back. At this point in the process, I don't want her to...

have a great day all.

[paul19510]

Journaling: contact with STBXW is scarce these days. We continue to quietly move toward D. We spoke last evening about kids and the convo was ok. W is taking more time with each child now and even took S12 for hia first overnight visit since Christmas. Dropping the rope has helped her to relax i think. I continue to see places i will need to be watchful of in my own life. I work to improve and be a good partner to someone.

My GF has been very supportive, but i try not to let the D process into.my relationship with her. I am seeing a difference in myself and thebway i deal with tuings in my current R vs my M. Acceptance for all tjst has happened is still a goal of.mine. i am not there yet, but i am getting closer.

[paul19510]

Journaling: STBXW called sat morning to confirm plans for her to take D14 to her game. Its the first game she has ever seen D14 play (she's. Been playing for a year). I was happy they did that. W also took D17 to dinner the night before. They are speaking again. I am grateful.

She came to the house early and brought her new BF with her. We shook hands and they stood in my living room while D14 finished getting ready. It was a milestone. We showed out kids that we can still be respectful of each other. It didn't hurt to see her with someone else. It felt weird but I can't. Describe it another way. Just felt weird.

I enjoyed an evening out with GF at her Company Christmas party. She smiled and laughed and hugged and kissed me a lot that night. When she smiles at me, I see it in her eyes too. I ignored that with W for years...her eyes didn't say what her smile did. I think W loved me in her own way....not in a way that I could fully understand and accept.

Now that the pressure Is off, STBXW and I are actually being better to each
other. My GF has been very kind not to poke at things that hurt.

Paperwork should be done soon. GF actually commented to me, "......when you sit down and sign it....its going to hurt like h&ll....for both of you.....I will be here when you need. I won't take it personally that this hurts...it just does..."

I didn't want to be D. I am done fighting though. I can make whatever comes next be amazing for me and my kids.

[labug]

Hi Paul, I've seen you around and wondered if you'd updated.

Do you still not want to be Dd? It seems your life has changed for the better.