KGirl - one year later

[KGirl]

We have had so little contact, I really don't know if I can say. If the few interactions we've had are indicative....then I have mixed feelings. He shows some remorse (I dont know if it's genuine or if it's more about his own guilt.) He says he wants to be more direct with requests and needs, which is good. But I haven't really seen anything that shows that he cares about others and is willing to listen to and respect their needs. In our convo it was clear that he still felt that some of the things I had concerns about in the past were unjustified.

But yet, my gut feels hopeful...

[Mozza]

KGirl - This will be no solace to you, but I'll say it anyway. If I was 28 with no kids and my W wanted to separate, I think I'd let it go. It seems like your H has issues that will make it almost impossible for him to have a healthy, long term relationship. I understand how strong the attachment can be, especially as he's been your only boyfriend. You now have the gift of time to look around, while he's finding himself. Put your focus on yourself and then other people.

You might be surprised and pleased to find that commitment is not a problem for some people, that they won't lie to you about stuff that's important. Also, as others have said, you'll enter this new relationship with a great deal of maturity, making it that much better.

Consider all your options.

[claire7]

KGirl... I'm so sorry you are in this situation, and I know how hard it is.

But there is a real chance that someday you will look back on this and think that you were given a true gift. When you first met your H, you were technically still a child. You are quite literally a different person now; you see the world in a different way, you see yourself in a different way. And, at least where I'm from, you are still quite young and have a whole bright future ahead of you.

Who knows... perhaps your paths will cross again. And if he comes back ready for a true commitment you can decide how you feel at that point.

But I have to say honestly... for your H to say now that he feels like he's missed out on something... before you've got kids and have been married for 20 years... is in many ways a blessing. He's right-- he's got some growing to do. Let him do that...and do your own as well... and focus on where you are headed.

((((K-Girl)))

[Calibri]

Hi KGirl,

I too am sorry you're in this situation. But I have to echo what Claire and Mozza have said. With H saying that he's missed out on something -- can you truly feel secure in a R, knowing that he's expressed that sentiment. He does have growing to do -- the best gift for him, and yourself, is to let him do it -- or not. That's up to him.

I can understand almost exactly where you're coming from. I've been with H a third of my life. He's been there for so many things, so many milestones. It's hard to imagine life without him.

You have to do what's best for you. Take time. None of this has to be decided upon today.

[KGirl]

Yes. You all are right. Time to let go. Do I still sense there's a connection there - definitely. But can he give me what I need in a relationship at this point - nope, unless there's a Christmas miracle (don't worry, not holding out hope for that). I think the escalation of commitment theory is hitting me big time: the more time we invest on something, the more we want to justify or keep working to make that thing work, even though if we stopped and looked at it only going forward (ignoring the time we already spent) it may not be the right decision or thing to do. While I'm relatively young, this is an 11+ year relationship. I know of some people that dated for a year or two, spent a year engaged, married for a year or two, then divorced... it just seems so short it's like it doesn't count. I need to do a better job of cutting my attachment to the time so far, and looking at what's happening today, and it's not good.

You all are also right that it will be very hard to trust him if he continues to feel and express that he's missing out on things. I think this is at the heart of why he felt like he was always "guilty until proven innocent" and why I was "too jealous" (his words). I don't think my feelings were unreasonable, but a fairly normal reaction to all of the doubt and questions he created. I found out about the chump lady website (and now I know what Maybell means by the pick-me dance!) and that kind of gave me a kick in the butt. He has shown zero interest in our relationship or making any changes. He still can't understand why I felt the way I felt in the past - he portrays a lot of entitlement ("I'm allowed to be attracted to people, it just happens" "Guys get to go to strip clubs" etc.) I'd be willing to move on "from this day forward" and not dwell on all that past stuff but he hasn't demonstrated any interest in acting differently, because he doesn't think he should have to.

[KGirl]

OK. I might be a complete and total idiot. But now I really need some help so I'm hoping y'all will help me even if I'm an idiot...

In a moment of weakness in thinking I saw some sort of potential, I emailed H yesterday, noting that I had been thinking a lot about our conversation from Sunday (I didn't want to admit it here because I felt dumb and was sure it would go nowhere). I explained that one of my biggest regrets was how I handled his trip to Las Vegas (which kind of was the beginning of the end), even little things like being guarded when he came home instead of being excited. I also went on to say that I don't want to be stuck in the past anymore, I spent too much time. What's done is done, it can't be changed, I would prefer to live in the present going forward. I made a joke about how I felt like the guy in front of Kiera Knightley's door in Love Actually with the signs and then saying "ok.. it's done," and "because it's Christmas", that I wanted to extend an invitation to dinner and just talk (not about our R or us, anything else) and see where it might take us. I specifically said this: "Maybe you'd be surprised. Maybe it's not a good idea because no matter what you'll still have things going on with you where it won't make any difference, or you have no interest in me besides friends. If part 2 is the case, just let me know and I won't ever bother you again. Maybe I'm just confused and misunderstanding everything but it seems like there's potential here."

This was his response:

"Your email made me smile with the Love Actually references and I appreciated your explanation of things. However, I don't want to lead you on or have you get any expectations, but I would be willing to meet for dinner. I'd be free Thursday evening if that works for you.

Let me know."

So... what do I do with that? I thought I made it clear in my email that if he really didn't want anything besides friends then no dinner (but maybe I wasn't clear enough). Do I clarify and reply back "Just to be clear.. if you really don't want anything to happen with us in the future besides friends, then I don't think dinner would be a good idea." Do I just do the dinner and see what happens? Am I being dumb by going "out of order" and not laying out boundaries and making sure he's 100% committed before hanging out with him in a fun way? Does he think this is just a friend dinner and not understand MY email? Or does he get it and while doesn't want to give my hopes up, also want to see where things might lead? Or does he just want to get laid?

Cr*p. I was sure he would say no and then I could just wash my hands of it and work on the letting him go part.

[TLEE86]

KGirl, breathe...

Just go to dinner. Have no expectations. Obviously look your best. Don't bring up the R or M, although I'm sure it will come up.

Just enjoy it for what it is, and remember what it's like to laugh with him again. Don't beg or plead, but just be YOU! Just being able to laugh with him and have a good time may make him rethink things himself..but again, be happy you get to see him and enjoy it for what it is

Just my opinion

[SunnyB]

Or does he just want to get laid?

^^^This^^^

KGirl, the way I see it, your H is leading you around by the nose. Because he can. He won't give you what you want, but wants to string you along anyway. And you let him. Give it up, let him go. If he actually decides he wants to give it another try, you won't have to guess. He'll say it plainly.

[KGirl]

Those are the two parts of my brain battling against each other, exactly! The:

"What have you got to lose? No contact hasn't gotten you anywhere. He may be second guessing himself after you signed the paperwork (that he didn't even sign himself!) According to DB we have to do 100% of the work to start with so isn't this just more of that work?"

vs.

"I've put myself out there a lot already. He needs to come back fully committed if he's going to come back. He's said over and over why he's unhappy and that he can't be happy unless he sees what's out there, so even if something did come of this who's to say it will last? I don't have any indication that he's willing to make any changes so I'm just accepting his crumbs by going to dinner."

[Mozza]

I've no final answer for you but a few thoughts.

I think his underwear is telling him to accept your invitation for dinner. I've had this kind of attraction for ex-GF where the available one suddenly becomes forbidden and it's a huge turn on.

I also don't think he's having second thoughts much. It's way too early. On the other hand, he might not be completely sick of you, like many WAS around here, so that's a start.

You'll have to decide where you put your energy. WAS are huge energy drains. They take over our work, relationships, sleep, etc. As I wrote before, there are other men out there that might be more worthy of your time and focus.

This being said, I don't expect WAS to come back fully committed at the outset. They'll have doubts or maybe they won't even be aware of their doubts. You can go there and just have the no-R talks that MWD recommends in her books. After all, this is how she recommends to reconnect. Be fun, look hot and say goodbye at the end of the evening. See if he initiates later.