My story of WAH

[seaspin]

I've been lurking here for awhile. I finally thought maybe I should post my story in case it helps anyone else. It seems like there are more posts about WAW's than WAH's.

I thought we were doing well. The child bearing years along with H's cancer treatments were tough. Very tiring & draining. We had drifted apart but I never thought H would leave. I thought we had to just get through this rough period and we'd be ok. The months prior to BD, I did sense H pulling away. He doesn't say much and held all his feelings in.

Feb- He sent me a Valentine's card and said he loved me. We went on a date. I had fun. I thought he did too, but maybe he was faking it.

Aoril - A close relative of H's died of cancer, H found out his cancer was back (although he doesn't need treatment yet). A few weeks later, the BD came. H was especially distant all day. I confronted him and told him he didn't talk to me anymore. That's when he said he didn't know if he wanted to be married. He waited for me to change all these years, but I never did. Somehow I was supposed to mind read that. He didn't know what the future held but would go to counseling with me after he got himself checked out for a mental illness (came back neg).

3 weeks later - took a weekend trip to CA for work. Very unusual. There was one particular day he didn't call home at all. Not normal. I later found receipts for expensive restaurants and museum tickets on an account we never use. The day he comes home, he says he wants to separate. Doesn't see me as a friend. There are no seeds left to grow a friendship. H moved into another bedroom and started being really cold toward me.

1 week later (June)- Lied about going on a trip to CA. Said he was going to a different state. He came home and said that he wanted a D. Said he always wanted one & tried not to mislead me. He feels that his only options are to stay in a bad marriage or leave and possibly find something better. If he supposedly only has so many years left due to cancer (he could live a long life) he wants to be happy and free. Cancer was supposedly a wake up call for him to "be happy".

I'm so confused at this point. H used to be a conservative, family man. He also grew up in a religious home, but now believes totally opposite. He said nothing all this time about being discontent. I did all the wrong things - cry, plead, wrote a love note, said I would change, etc. He said he's just too different now. Doesn't believe in marriage. People change so you should be able to get out of a marriage. Our relationship has been over for a long time (Huh? How can he declare it over when I didn't know?) He said he was just pretending all these years, there were no good times at all. He doesn't believe I can change.

His complaints
- His LL is Words of Affirmation - I gave none
- He didn't feel like I wanted him - kids got more attention
- I'm too critical
- I'm emotionally distant (funny, he says that when I always thought he was the emotionally distant one).
- I didn't fight for him
- He thought I put all his ideas down

June - H moved out on our anniversary date. I felt relief for some reason. I read his twitter tweets and found that he acts like a totally diff person there. Very outspoken, drinks, bad language, mentions suspected OW at times. Apparently, he's been like this for months before BD and I never knew. At this point I start DBing and I read DR, got a DB coach...

June - Present - WAH is in CA almost every week for "work"

Aug - Find more evidence of an A.

Sept - In MC I asked about his female friend in CA - He said this girl had been a good friend of his and he realized he could have fun with her and not walk on eggshells. He'd been on a "few" dates with her. This OW is a former co-worker.

Currently he is pressing to move forward during this holiday season. However, he has yet to file.

I'm sure there's more that I will post later... Thanks for reading!

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[seaspin]

Saw WAH at my children's dance recital. He didn't come sit by me, but he stood a few feet away, rather than on the other side of the room. He tried to get D1 to come to him, but she didn't want to have anything to do with him. Unusual - maybe it was just the time of day, or the setting.

Our interaction was friendly. As I watched my children dance, I was so proud of their accomplishments. It was sad that I couldn't share those feelings with WAH. His demeanor was pleasant and he smiled at the kids. It's almost like "the old H", yet not... We had just a little bit of chit chat centered around the kids and their dance.

It's such a disconnect when interactions like this one are nice, but then whenever he brings up relationship talks (usually through email) he's as cold as ice. Even during MC, he was cold.

I guess if I were properly detached, it wouldn't matter what his mood was. But, when he's nice, you think oh, maybe this is a good thing for our future, but then you get hit with reality when he turns into his cold self and mentions proceeding with D or mentions all the things I've done wrong.

Even after all these months, I'm still in shock when his "cold" self comes out. How can someone who used to be so kind and loving, just turn on you or spew so much anger at you? I think I'm just in a down mood since WAH mentioned proceeding with D during the holidays. Really? Why be so cruel?

[seaspin]

4 months ago, when WAH was buying furniture for his apartment, he also purchased a bookshelf that I've been wanting for a long time. The understanding was that I would pay him back plus go 1/2 on the truck he rented to carry the furniture. After he delivered the bookshelf, I texted asking for the amount so that I could pay him. No response.

He just now emailed asking for this money. The email also talked about moving forward with the D. He wants to get started now, wants his $ back for the bookshelves, AND put a dagger in there about how I need to put half our savings in an account that he can have access to. Said he told me to do it a long time ago and didn't. So much anger!

Backstory - 4 months ago, I tried to get him to go to a MWD intensive. He got mad that I would even think of such a thing (it's very pricey) and saw it as me trying to get him back & wasting our money. He demanded I give him passwords to all of our financial accounts since he didn't trust me. (I'm the financial bookkeeper in the family) I never did and he never mentioned this again until now - 4 months later. Why? If it's so important, why wait this long? Same with the bookshelf money. It's like he's all of a sudden woken up and shooting all sorts of daggers at me.

I'm not sure what to say about the savings yet. I don't trust him. He spent much of our savings on his new apartment after he said he was going to get everything used from goodwill. He spent marital $ on his "dates". Really, half belongs to him, but again, I don't trust that he won't spend it before the D, which means less to divide out. With our current financial situation, he deposits part of his paycheck in my account and part in his. After he purchased all his furniture and paid for his apartment, it was understood that he would live off his current "allowance". There was no understanding of how to divide out the savings yet.

I feel like he doesn't need the savings. I do since I am a SAHM taking care of 3 children without him. I'm not using it, but it's there as a cushion. He can get his share during the D. It's hard to be neutral and not resentful. I also don't want to come across as controlling. Where is the balance between controlling and just protecting myself and my kids? If he really wants half I may suggest he draw up a legal document for it as suggested by my lawyer...

The odd thing too is that he doesn't want us to use attorneys so we won't pad their pockets and take $ away from the kids. Since when is he so concerned about the kids? He spent alot on OW.

[seaspin]

Had a wonderful evening out at a Christmas Dessert event at church. It was festive and fun, got to dress up... Someone who knows my situation invited me and even paid for my ticket. I'm thankful for nice people in this world!

On a side note, I asked WAH if he would watch the kids for me. He said he couldn't since he would be packing up his apartment to move into a larger one tomorrow. While I understand that he is busy, I still felt a little mad by this. It felt like he wants his freedom without the responsibility of kids. Oh well.. have no expectations right? Still... he's the dad.

[seaspin]

Talked with a new DB coach last night. I thought I would try someone new and get and shake things up a little. I'm glad I did. The way the DB Coach worded some things resonated with me even if it wasn't exactly a new idea. My WAH is expecting me to act a certain way. In his head he is thinking that he knows me and that I'll never change. So when I come to a situation, I have to act differently than expected or I will justify his leaving. I know this is what DB is all about, but for some reason, the way it was said clicked more than it did before.

He also helped me empathize with WAH who is scared and afraid. The call put me in a good, hopeful mood. I also got a few ideas on 180's.

Right after my call, WAH brought the kids home. He even asked if I was ready to talk about some financial things that I had mentioned getting together about. We talked, I smiled and was upbeat. When I'm feeling really good, I tend to be a little too chatty. I tend to want to draw out the conversation. I may not wander off the topic we are talking about, but somehow I find something to chat on about. I need to find the balance in feeling great, but still reigning myself in and stop talking. This was how I was when we first started dating. Maybe there is some good in it - or I could chase him off because it may appear like I am overexcited.

Anyway, it was nice that WAH was willing to go over the financial stuff in person. Normally, he defers to email. When he comes over, he's usually in a hurry to leave.

[seaspin]

The flu has hit my family. Thankfully, I only had it for 24 hours so that I was better in time for the next child to get sick. My sick day fell on H's day with the kids, so it was nice to rest without them underfoot. I missed having H take care of me and felt remorseful over the times I may not have taken care of him well when he was sick. While I didn't expect it, I noticed that he did not offer to delay his weekly business trip where OW lives in case I needed his help. Oh well... this would have gotten me down months ago, but not as much now.

While at the my house, H noticed that I had a new iPad and the kids mentioned something about a Kindle Fire. As soon as he got back to his apt, he blasted an email to me about how unfair it was that I have new gadgets yet he scrimps and saves, goes without food, etc so that he can have enough $ for his new 2 bedroom apartment - which is all for the kid's sake even though they stay over only 1 night/week. He hasn't had enough $ to buy the kid's gifts yet. I have only drafted an email back, but his sense of entitlement actually made me sad. He's not necessarily a good budgeter and I'm sure he spends $ on OW and his dates. He eats out alot, spends $ on alcohol. I budget well, save, etc. I shouldn't have to justify my purchases. Yet, I can see how they may look bad to him. I don't even have a Kindle Fire, I have a Fire TV stick instead that only cost about $15. He jumped to a conclusion and got mad about it.

Maybe it's good he's getting his feelings out. He used to hold them all in... Previously he mentioned that with all his business trips he was living off the company and had plenty of money. Which is it? He has $ or he doesn't?

[Cadet]

I have only drafted an email back, but his sense of entitlement actually made me sad.

Before you send the e-mail I suggest you post it here(no names though, and get some feedback on what you are about to send)
Do not rush to answer him and the less said the better.

[jim0987]

It might not work in your situation but when my wife started to get very angry about the finances (that she was owed more, that i wasnt paying my fair share etc., that i was spending too much) I said i would be happy to sit down with all the bank statements for both of us and we could work out a solution based on actual figures

She backed down immediately and hasnt mentioned finances since.

I dont know if its only a UK thing but our politicians regularly say 'Sunlight is the best disinfectant'

[seaspin]

I said i would be happy to sit down with all the bank statements for both of us and we could work out a solution based on actual figures

Great advice! I've been thinking about saying something like this but haven't. Don't know why. Maybe it's the conflict avoider in me? I think I'm afraid he will see that I have more than I need and will adjust my portion of his paycheck. BUT, if he has something to hide, he could back down and that will take care of the issue. I need to get over my fears and just take action.