My story of WAH

[seaspin]

New Years Day - WAH picked up the kids for dinner. He seemed grumpy and in a hurry when he came in. He comes in the front door and I ask politely if he would go out and around the house to the garage (for him to use my van) rather than walk through the house with snow on his shoes. He did that the day before and I didn't say anything even though it bothered me. Or rather, I tried, but I don't think I was confident when I spoke because I thought he might see it as criticism. Today, I was more confident having had time to practice what I would say.

I was dressed up and ready to go out and do my own thing. The kids kept asking where I was going, but I wouldn't tell them. Really, I didn't go anywhere special, just shoe shopping. But, I don't want H to know that. Shopping without kids is always fun!

WAH took the kids to a bouncy house place where he fed them dinner. This was surprising to me because he is always concerned about the cost of taking the kids to places like this and he had to pay for 3 kids, which was quite expensive plus he bought them pizza to eat. They did not go to his apartment at all. Unusual. Then when he dropped them off, he seemed in a hurry to leave. This was the night that he originally told me he had plans and said he couldn't take the kids. Once I pushed that it was his night and I had my own plans, he said he would change "this time".

After dropping off the kids, I asked about his final thoughts on doing some therapy for D7 for her auditory processing issues. We've been discussing it over the last month and he's been totally against it because there are no proven studies showing how beneficial this particular therapy would be. However, I know quite a few people who have gone through the program with good results. It's been a sticky issue because I feel like he totally dismisses my opinion and the results of those who have gone through the program. He wants solid proof, but he doesn't talk to the people I know nor does he involve himself enough to understand why D7 needs something.

One of his complaints with me in the M was that I dismiss all his ideas & opinions. Normally, I push back but this time I presented my evidence and then asked him what alternatives he thought would be best. He had no answer and finally decided to let me do the therapy. I was totally expecting he would say no, so it was def a surprise. Years before BD he would probably have said yes right away. Since then, he's become skeptical about most ideas that I have presented him.

Anyway, even though our interaction was brief, I don't think anything negative happened. He was very quiet, although briefly told me what the kids ate and that they should've gotten alot of energy out. H looked tired and was in a hurry to leave. Normally, he's not that much in a rush, although he doesn't necessarily linger for a long period of time. Just middle of the road.

[happy1]

Just stopping by your thread as I saw you chimed in on Calabri's thread about the control issues. I am the same way and going to try to work on it. I will start a thread called Control and maybe we can record our efforts.

And good job of including your H in the process for D7 therapy. Keep doing what works. This seemed to work.

[seaspin]

Thanks happy1.

Sometimes I feel like I take a step forward and then a few steps back with my control issues. Why can't I focus on the person or relationship rather than what is wrong? It's been 8 months since BD and I sometimes feel I am still at square one.

However, I have recently figured out one of my triggers - WAH and the R. If he says something cold or talks about D, it can push me into control mood and I get onto my kids about everything until I calm down. I guess this means I'm not quite detached.

I found it interesting that my IC said that this is the way I express emotion. One of my concerns was that maybe I was not being emotional enough over this sitch. I tend to keep my emotions in control and have an "it is what it is" attitude in front of others. I hadn't thought that maybe my desire to control was an emotional response. Some people curl up in a ball and cry when emotional. I might and I do still cry, but I tend to become more controlling. Maybe with this knowledge, it will help me in the future when the intense urge comes upon me. Looking back, I can see this response played out in various situations.

[seaspin]

A conversation I overheard between WAH and D7. D7 has been taking drum lessons for a few months now.

H: You should bring your drum sticks over tomorrow.
D7: Why?
H: So you can show me what you're learning at drum lessons.
D7: Umm.... I need a drum set.
H: Oh, are you playing on a drum set now?
D7: yes....
H: Oh
(then it got quiet...)

It's just a telling conversation of how out of touch H is. WAH helped set up the drum set a few months ago since D7 needed them for her lessons. She's been playing on them ever since. In WAH's defense, someone told him that D7 would play on 1 drum for many many months, to which I said that this teacher was different, hence the need for a full set of drums. But... he forgets half of what I say anyway.

I feel sad that he's not here to listen to D7 practice and cheer her on. He has no clue what's going on in any of the kid's lives. They are not at an age to articulate themselves well, so WAH doesn't understand 1/2 of what they are saying. I guess he's ok with that or at least tells himself that. At BD, he would say, "it's the price he has to pay so that he can find happiness." I know he's trying to connect when talking to them on the phone, but it's just not the same. I guess a more positive outlook would be that at least he is talking to them on the phone. Some WAS's don't do that.

[seaspin]

A vent... I was doing well with feeling good, GALing.

I feel good when WAH is in town for a few weeks at a time. When he is, he starts talking a little bit more, sharing some things going on with him. Then, he goes out of town on "business" to OW town. He always leaves on Sat after he drops the kids off. While I never asked him, when he first began leaving on a Saturday for a Monday business meeting, he told me the flights were "cheaper" on Sat. I checked, they weren't at the time he told me. I knew why he was leaving- to spend more time with OW. If he's trying to save his company $, he's really not because technically, he'd have to pay for a hotel for Sat night, which he probably isn't staying in one. He lies, yet it's not like I can't figure out what's going on. When he flies to other cities, he doesn't leave on a Sat.

Anyway, he's been in town longer than usual due to the holidays. Tonight, he left for OW town. It's like a slap in the face, that he can go and have an A, without any consequences, as if I don't know. He leaves his responsibilities and does his own thing, like it's nothing. WAH tells me about his trip. He tells me he has this meeting on Monday, another on Tuesday, will be back on this day. Does he give me details just to be nice or to make it seem like it's a legitimate trip? I'm sure he really has business meetings, but still... It's hard to know your H is going to meet up with someone else. When he's not traveling, it's easier to forget it's happening. Then there's the lying. Really? Who does he think I am? It feels like he can get away with lying.

So, he's gone to his "other life", while I try to wrangle 3 kids and get them to bed and be a responsible mom. 3 innocent kids who have no idea their dad is doing something "morally wrong". Does he not care that he's deceiving them too (not that they need or should know).

The other thing that gets me is that he has an old friend drive him to the airport. He has to know about OW, yet still stands by him. I originally found out about OW through Twitter. It's all on there (I don't read it anymore). WAH is a different person on there than he is in front of me and his family. None of his family reads twitter and I usually don't, so maybe he feels safe to "act out" on it? This old friend is twitter active so should have read all about OW. It feels disrespectful that people might know about OW, but say nothing, like it's ok to leave your wife.

Everything about this sitch just hurts. I know, I know, I should be detached. It shouldn't matter what H or anyone else does, focus on my and what I can control, but it still hurts. It feels so disrespectful. Just being real. H saying he wants a D is one thing, but bring in an A and it feels so much worse. It's a violation.

I will end on positives
- I get to see my kids go to sleep each night.
- I get to listen to the stories my kid's tell each day
- I am doing the right thing & can sleep well at night because of it.
- I will survive this and be stronger for it.

Now, if my kids go to sleep quickly, maybe I'll have some time to do something relaxing to get my mind off of H.

[Rick1963]

A controling individual will destroy a relationship. First off I want to congratulate u on acknowledging it. Big step . When H has the kids you need to GAL hard. Smell and look good. Fixing the house is ok too but you need to live "La vida loca". No i dont mean hooking up. But you should experience life. Go dancing, look happy, look and feel sexy. It will make him think.

[Rick1963]

Yes H having an affair is disrespectful. Set some boundaries.