HPoirot: I really like your latest analysis. Very perceptive. She's making you the bad guy because it fits her current state of mind, but in successful sitches, WAS have come around and all of this played against them when they realize how unfair they've been, how solid the LBS have been. Keep at it, it will pay in the long run.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I'm not too sure if a SA is the best way at this moment as all of this is new for HP and W.
I agree with Wonka here HP.
This will be the last time I bring this up, pinky promise. But it seems to me the difference in opinion about a S agreement has to do with whether we've experienced shared parenting or not. Am I right in seeing that Wonka and Vanilla don't have minor children that sharing applies to and Adinva and I do? If so, maybe that's the difference. It's just a perspective thing. And in the end, it doesn't matter. HP needs to choose what works for him.
Just chiming in here: I've two kids (D6 and D3) and no written agreement of any sort. Everything falls into place with W and we always abide by what we promise. She wants the S to be cordial and not only am I a reliable person, but I DB. ;-)
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I'm not too sure if a SA is the best way at this moment as all of this is new for HP and W.
I agree with Wonka here HP.
This will be the last time I bring this up, pinky promise. But it seems to me the difference in opinion about a S agreement has to do with whether we've experienced shared parenting or not. Am I right in seeing that Wonka and Vanilla don't have minor children that sharing applies to and Adinva and I do? If so, maybe that's the difference. It's just a perspective thing. And in the end, it doesn't matter. HP needs to choose what works for him.
HP, you are doing great. Hang in there.
RPP,
We are pretty good with breaking some pinky promises.
Yeah , I don't have kids and do respect the opinions of parents here. However, it doesn't stop me form being the voice of reason and caution when reading some situations. In my mind, I do not believe that HP coming right at W with a SA at this stage is the best route for it WILL raise W's hackles and cause her to view HP negatively because they have NOT yet have tried to figure this out among themselves first.
Now is not the time to go gangbusters on W and make everyone unhappy. I really like Starsky's suggestion because it allows them to try this out without resorting to SA right out of the gate.
You sound like you have a lot going on and are handling it well under difficult circumstances.
Please forgive the unsolicited advice - but I was catching up on your thread and read the part about the credit repair agency. HP- please listen to Wonka and Starsky on this one. This is an area in which I have some professional experience (and have volunteered in the past helping people with their credit situations). Please give a second thought to hiring a credit repair agency. They can and do sometimes make a situation worse. You can do everything they could do on your behalf , by yourself. Starsky was right on about his "myfico" recommendation. Spend some time on that board, and you will get a wealth of helpful information.
My emotions are catching up with me again. The happiness and even satisfaction I felt just a couple days ago seems far away. I cried again today and the shakes are back. I haven't cried in days. This is awful. Yes Vapo it seems now that I've relaxed a little with no big goal to work towards... I'm starting to feel alone and hopeless here in the condo. Resting it seems is not at all good for me. That, and I don't feel like GALing or doing anything right no.
My OW from years ago called me again this morning. She mentioned how, when we were in our A fantasy, should could have never imagined she would return to her M much less make the compromises she has made to make it work. She mentioned how she stopped calling me to detach (we had an ocean between us at the time) and it took months for her, and a trip to an L to see how expensive and painful a D would be, to get over us and back into her M. And this was without her H knowing about our PA. Without MC as her H refused to go. It was hard and it is still hard for her working on her R. She makes her own happiness now without relying on her H for it as he still comes up short in emotional connection. She's being strong enough to accept her choices.
I can't see my W being that strong. Especially as her fantasy world is only an hour's drive away. I would have to do a lot this year to be a man only a fool would leave in her eyes. To make it a natural choice for her to stay. To change in ways that are authentic to me so I won't always be dancing to keep her happy. It's going to be hard work for us to rebuild our family. She's right now only interested in going out, having fun, drinking, and being taken care of like a queen.
And already I dislike her on the 3rd day of being away from her. I've read other sitches where time and space started to heal feelings enough for the WAS to start wanting small contacts even while in an A. I want to get to that... where I'm calm enough to be around her without feeling fury or needing to win an engagement. So, I'll just go day to day here and start GALing again until I feel better. I will continue to remember to act with grace and calm like I know I should. I'll remember not to punish her for any of this even while she's acting like she's done nothing for me to feel angry about.
I just don't feel like doing any of that right now.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
I can't see my W being that strong. Especially as her fantasy world is only an hour's drive away. I would have to do a lot this year to be a man only a fool would leave in her eyes. To make it a natural choice for her to stay. To change in ways that are authentic to me so I won't always be dancing to keep her happy. It's going to be hard work for us to rebuild our family. She's right now only interested in going out, having fun, drinking, and being taken care of like a queen.
You know you're describing my W to a T? It's down to the nickname OM gives her (my queen). Then she brags about increasing her tolerance to alcohol and going out late. You call it a fantasy world for a reason. I don't know if our W will return but I see HOW it could happen and you seem to lose track of this. The way you behave now appears outstanding and when your W sobers up, she'll see you for the man you are. It's already a huge improvement on who you were in the M. Now you'll be a good father and you'll make other changes. You'll be positioned for a good life, with her or not, and she will see that. Just keep doing what you're doing, set a new goal for yourself (post-condo). And let time do its work.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I just want to clarify, because there was some misunderstanding of what I meant. It hadn't occurred to me that he might present a completed one to W and upset her. My H presented a DRAFT to me and it was just how he saw things so I could bounce off it my own ideas and we'd negotiate an agreement. That's why I said "agreement." If you think it's better not to try to sit down and clarify what you're each expecting, so you're not handling one-offs all the time and upsetting each other, that's fine. I was glad to have some kind of understanding of what my H intended to do, even tho I didn't like what he was doing and even tho some of his draft terms are ridiculous. It's the beginning of a conversation.
If HP you have a history of just telling it like it's going to be and no negotiation, then doing that to your child's mom about how you're going to each take care of your child, is probably a bad idea.
I meant you two sit down and clarify expectations together.
If my H had taken my kids and moved out, I'd have had a lawyer and the police in a heartbeat getting them back. So I may be erring on the side of demonstrating fairness in parenting.
But I'm not going to continue pushing the idea past this clarification. It's obviously your decision and up to what you can handle in dealing with your W.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
My wife and I agreed childcare arrangements and I drew it up into a draft separation agreement. Basically its the divorce settlement.
She has had the draft a while but I've not had any comments - in fact at the moment it only gets mentioned as part of any spew.
It works well because it manages expectations. Yes it freed W up for time with OM but at the same time I've been able to plan my life. No its not what I want but its only not needed if my wife suddenly changes her mind
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
But it seems to me the difference in opinion about a S agreement has to do with whether we've experienced shared parenting or not. Am I right in seeing that Wonka and Vanilla don't have minor children that sharing applies to and Adinva and I do? If so, maybe that's the difference. It's just a perspective thing. And in the end, it doesn't matter. HP needs to choose what works for him.