Jim0987 #7 - rebuilding but can't tell what it is

[jim0987]

Thanks

i do know its not advised and ive read the section a few times i suppose i just dont like it.

Im slightly obsessing about this idea that OM can be spooked and that if the A is over then that gives me more chance, even though I know my W has actually just pursued OM2 etc. In the time OM1 was 'unsure'. Its as irrational as she is. I even crafted what I would say.

To me worst cases are that either/both
A) he takes it as a prod to get serious and/or
B) W sees it as more controlling behaviour (which it is, but its also not just standing by and watching my marriage end which is what it feels like I'm doing)

And actually are these any worse than my current situation?

Best case is that he runs a mile and my W doesn't blame me

I think that my first Christmas without the kids is next week and that their R is picking up significantly (w in really good mood this morning after their date last night \o/) have both got me really unhappy about the whole situation. My last post about timelines and my experience tells me that their relationship is likely to be long. He's taking it slow.

I read the progress elsewhere and just feel I'm being too passive (NC is what she wants) especially when my passivity was part of her complaints. Feel like I want to do something. After 3 months (1 for each year of marriage) she is further away than ever.

I'm still very controlled by emotions and fears, even if I'm doing a better job of recognising and understanding them.

[edz]

Hi Jim

its an awooga moment as Im not in the whole A sitch (well not yet, mil is busy encouraging W to vivisect me and harvest the goodies within instead). I'd think though that you should decide on your actions but be careful. If you think speaking to the OM would work then thats soemthing thats really down to you but for goodness sakes dont emperil yourself. Im not for one minute saying you'd do anything remotely silly and I know the pain and hurt and that in your case you probably feel like its salt in the wound that w is happy with om at christmas and worse the kids will be away.

But the kids *will* be back, my fear is if something does escalate - even if OM goes - if W gets wind of what happens you could end up with less time with them or worse. If she feels youve done something to end her happiness, well you can see my concern there. I of course dont know if thats the kind of fight for me gesture she's looking for, I dont understand what MY W is trying to do or what would bring her back, half the time I dont think they know but be sure you take the right actions to make sure YOU are ok and I absolutely know you already do this every second for the kids.

You're a caring sensible guy mate, its a 5h1tty situation but be careful of yourself and what you have to lose especially in this season where those of us who have been hurt so much so recently feel it so deeply.

We're here for you mate, be careful.

Edz

[gan]

I know what you mean about feeling the need to do something. I felt like that a lot at 3 months. At 6 months I'm feeling less and less that way though. As for the 1 month for every year married thing, well I'm taking that to mean 1 month for every year together. Which means (sorry to say) you have another 3 months, and I have another 9 :-(

Not sure if you saw my post about mindfulness practice. I do think it is helping me feel a bit less controlled by my emotions. As for fear, I remember Old Dog posting about a book he read (Feel the fear…and do it anyway). He liked it enough to follow up with the workshop. The reviews looked interesting on Amazon.

Are there other ways that you can seem less passive? Like establish some boundaries?

[edz]

Thats how I see the comments on one month per as well, even if that means another 10 months in my case :,( If I dont see any movement after a year though I'm not sure I can keep the rope held tightly, but thats just me and I'm not there.

And this isnt my thread, slaps wrist!

[Ggrass]

I'm not holding any rope, I sent in the lawyer and walked away.

Yet it's been 10-11 months depending on which date you take. Nothing worked much apart from me taking a beating for nothing.

[edz]

I'm not holding any rope, I sent in the lawyer and walked away.

Yet it's been 10-11 months depending on which date you take. Nothing worked much apart from me taking a beating for nothing.

Sorry to hear that Gg but if it helps you're sounding like you're a DB superstar and I certainly look forward to your posts on my thread

[jim0987]

I suppose the thing is I'm not really taking a beating - I'm treated like I'm nothing to her. Like the creepy guy in the office who you're polite to just because he might make a complaint. But afterward you just want a shower.

There is no boundary to assert. She just ignores me unless she needs something

[edz]

I can say mate, in that you are not alone but I'd put back to you what you said to me, concentrate on what you can affect and what you can do for you and the kids. You cannot change her, if it were possible all of us here would be doing it in our sitches, it 5ucks, it truly does but its where we are.

Concentrate on you and on your PMA, keep the great 180s and GAL going but ensure you also work out whats going to make Jim happy, we know that in each of our cases we can easily say what number one on that list is but focus on 2 onwards..for now.

Im not that much further on from you mate, July in my case, but I know that the feelings you describe are how I felt in August through to October this year. Being in the same house cant be helping detatching either.

In my case I still slip and find myself going into obsessing on what W is doing, planning, scheming with MIL to hurt me but for all I know she's making beans on toast and watching Criminal Minds.

You will get to a point where its just a small bit easier mate, im not sure that can happen simply while you're both in the same place I'd defer to Vanilla on that one as I wasnt in that situation as W up and left after I found the postal redirect, she never came back to stay, but I did end up living there surrounded by the past for 4 months before moving, thats made it easier and I suppose why Im nervous of plots to financially obliterate me and having to give it up.

Anywhere you can get out to on a feel better GAL around people who will remind you you're not that creepy guy? If so go, do it

Edz

[Ggrass]

I suppose the thing is I'm not really taking a beating - I'm treated like I'm nothing to her. Like the creepy guy in the office who you're polite to just because he might make a complaint. But afterward you just want a shower.

There is no boundary to assert. She just ignores me unless she needs something

Mine ignores me 100% of the time and stated he would only do what suited him when it suited him. So far this has been true, right down to withholding the ancient UHF radio, then returns it after he received the L letter. months after it was requested.

[jim0987]

Thanks mate

I guess i was getting more hopeful as she is around to see me and her OM situation wasnt making her happy. I was still my own worst enemy. OM1s reappearance has just reset all of that, add Christmas and my natural pessimism (for me) and it feels a bit rubbish.

I can see so much reason for hope in so many threads but none in my own.

Actually in a lot of ways its not too bad for me on the GAL front.

Today I have the kids S1 is napping. D3 has an ear infection so had to take her to the doctors now we are having a duvet day.

I'll go for a run tonight
Ceroc dancing tomorrow (1st time so trying it out)
Out at a mates Friday (Xbox and movies)
In London for the weekend (suiting up for cocktails)
Then out for drinks after work on Monday

Just lacking on the at home by myself stuff. I'm trying the mindfulness practice - thanks granb8te - which is way harder than i thought it woukd be and I like the 7 minute work out idea. Thinking I might try and put my excessive wordiness to use and try and write a book

I think part of what bothers me (apart from the whole situation) is that I think I could be stood next to her juggling flaming Christmas trees whilst simultaneously performing surgery on injured baby tigers and singing perfectly the whole of the soundtrack to les miserable' and I don't think she would notice.

I do want to say thanks though. I know I'm in a whiney woe is me place at the monent but these boards have done an amazing job of keeping me vaguely sane. Crazy here instead.

So thanks to everyone for your continued patience, support and advice