You two need a written separation agreement so youre both crystal clear on how S's time is divided and whether/how changes will be handled.
Your W has a legitimate frustration with you, if you wont communicate with her she had to go thru S to ask to drive him to school. If she has no custody, this was a very reasonable way to get a chance to parent her son.
If you have a clear agreement you can filter out the unnecessary requests from her to talk about every single little thing. And you'll both understand what constitutes an emergency. And you wont have to think of her twice a day to get s to call her, because she'll know if he is ok because you did NOT call, because there was nothing wrong. And she can call S and he can refuse her calls because their relationship is between them, not through you.
More clarity and written agreement will help your w calm down and facilitate your detachment. This case by case stuff will make you both crazy.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
You two need a written separation agreement so youre both crystal clear on how S's time is divided and whether/how changes will be handled.
If you have a clear agreement you can filter out the unnecessary requests from her to talk about every single little thing.
Couldn't agree more. H and I have a non-legal S agreement that spells out the parenting schedule. As long as we both stick to the schedule, no contact is needed. Any schedule changes are made between us and don't go through D12, keeps her out of the middle.
You do raise valid points. I'm not too sure if a SA is the best way at this moment as all of this is new for HP and W. Right now the focus is for HP and s11 to forge a new routine together at the condo.
I would add that there are several DBers making things work without a SA in place. I think it is important for HP and W be given the chance to collaborate on an informal basis. If over time, things become too difficult and intractable, then it would be advisable for HP to move forward with a formal SA.
All of this is new...fer cryin' out loud....they've just moved to the condo TWO days ago.
Our first business-like exchange of S11. We came down in the elevator and walked outside. I saw W in her in her rental car a ways away. I gave s11 a hug... told him "I love you" to have a great day... and sent him over to his mom. Then I walked the other way to my car. From behind me I heard W brightly say "Hello HP." I turned and said "hey" I think.
As I was walking to my car... I heard a car horn behind me. I turned and it was W driving up.
She yelled out the window "Can you pick up S11 today from school?"
So another change.
"You said you were picking him up."
"I have a meeting."
"OK."
Sat in the car and watched them drive away.
Later, when I got back to the condo, I'm ashamed to say I cried for a couple minutes.
...
For the future and S11... I can just walk up to my W and say hello in a businesslike way. Be friendly like I was doing most times when we lived together. I can look stronger than I've been being since I moved into the condo. I can look more attractive b/c that's how I want to be in general.
I've noticed how I'm wanting to take a break from being an LBH. I'm not keeping my morning and evening disciplines and I'm not eating healthy. That and I'm drinking in the evening again. Not attractive.
Being here away from her doesn't mean that I stop doing what has been working for me in rebuilding my life. I'll take a nap now to reenergize and then get back into it.
Last edited by HPoirot; 12/16/1401:15 PM.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
keep your chit together. Think of your son, he needs a strong and confidant father. You are doing great and crying is nothing to be ashamed of. You are a human being with feelings, you are not a rock.
I think you need some midterm goals to keep your focus. Until your condo move that was your focus and you directed your actions accordingly. Find a new focus ASAP. And lay off the bottle. Your son needs the best father, bring your A game now. I know you have it, you showed you have it, time to shine now!
Thank you Adinva for your advice. We do have a written but not legal schedule for this month. I should also say, my W knows she can text me about S11. She could have simply texted me her request and I would have answered as I do on any reasonable S11 question. She knows full well I do not want to hear from her right now as I have told her and moved out on her even though she wanted us to stay together. I have consistently declined her phone calls for a while now. She calls and texts me often just to get a response. And then, after all her screaming and contacting S11 to get to drive S11 to and from school today, she now says she can't get s11 from school today.
It's very frustrating b/c she points to me like I'm the bad guy. I'm the one disrupting s11s school year... his holiday... his life. I'm the bad one b/c I don't answer her calls or treat her nicely or talk to her when she wants to talk. As Sandi said, she plays on my guilt b/c, despite all I've done to turn this sitch around, she knows I'm a good man who doesn't want to do any of these things. She knows I'm sad and hurt especially b/c I'm not showing it. She knows why I won't talk to her or see her while she acts like nothing is wrong. She has left me with S11 countless times on her business trips and has often said how he and the house are better kept when I'm doing it. She knows if anything happened to s11, she would be the first to know. She knows if I don't say anything that nothing is wrong. She calls and S11 doesn't answer for a reason.
We keep reminding her by what we do and the way we feel that she is wrong and hurting us and she hates that. That's her frustration... not that she can't get the message to me that she want's to drive s11 to school and back. I won't pretend with her. She ignores S11 texts about how our family is broken and his life is over and then expects him to hug her on demand or be impressed with her rental car or be happy she says she'll get him a new cat in her new apartment.
Anyway... you are right. There no reason to argue these things with her. A more formal agreement would help.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
If over time, things become too difficult and intractable, then it would be advisable for HP to move forward with a formal SA.
All of this is new...fer cryin' out loud....they've just moved to the condo TWO days ago.
Wonka, I think there is a misunderstanding about a S agreement. The way I have done it, anyway. I had one in place before S. Not because things were adversarial, just to manage expectations. I didn't see the advantage of waiting until things fell apart before I addressed them. It doesn't have to be formal, mine's not. It's written, but not legal. It's just a plan, it's not the big deal it seems to be to some people.
It's like making a new year's resolution and writing it down. Not binding, not formal, but a plan that everyone knows about. Rules we can all play by to make our lives go smoother.
Maybe just the term "S agreement" is too formal itself. Maybe I should come up with a different term that has less baggage attached.
Have you considered a Cozi family calendar? Online, easy to use and tons of separated and divorced families use them successfully to manage the details of their kids' schedules and such.
You do raise valid points. I'm not too sure if a SA is the best way at this moment as all of this is new for HP and W. Right now the focus is for HP and s11 to forge a new routine together at the condo.
I would add that there are several DBers making things work without a SA in place. I think it is important for HP and W be given the chance to collaborate on an informal basis. If over time, things become too difficult and intractable, then it would be advisable for HP to move forward with a formal SA.
All of this is new...fer cryin' out loud....they've just moved to the condo TWO days ago.
I agree with Wonka here HP. Gently does it and see how it works out over time. Be easy on yourself and S.
Starsky idea is lovely as an online communication tool and very practical, you could try that by saying this is how I intend to schedule so we are both aware of S and his activities. Then misunderstandings between us need not arise.
Loving the attitude that puts S first in your life. You can encourage him to talk to mom but don't force. It will all be tested by W over time.
(((Hugs)))) Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/16/1402:26 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
