I will do both of those things. Thank you so much for your input, Wonka. I referenced your Validation Cheat Sheet before I made any responses this morning.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
I feel like it was very destructive but I don't believe it invalidates the entire thing. There were lots of good times, there was some intimacy, just not enough. I didn't say any of that to her. I just asked, "Would you mind saying more?"
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
You chose porn over me for ten years. I begged you not to sleep on the couch. You made a decision not to give this up. Which led to our lack of talking and connection and then our sexual issues. Simply the lie and deceit prob contributed a lot to the dist between us. I feel like you've been cheating on me the entire time we've been together. You clearly made this choice over me time and time again.
More validation from me
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
I'm very impressed with this exchange. It's like your W finally feels safe to open up, knowing you will be separated anyway. Don't waste this opportunity by suggesting between the lines that if she accepts your confession, you should be back together. She knows very, very well that you want her. If she could doubt that for a second, it would only play in your favour. Keep confessing and validating. I know it's very hard for you not to pursue, but it's the first of the 37 rules for a reason. You can do it.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I am trying to apply all of my DB knowledge right now. Definitely avoiding pursuit. She is now asking me about everything, if I ever had an affair (I said no, she doubts it, I validate her feelings of doubt), if I was a virgin when we met as I told her (I was), asked if I went to strip clubs, etc.
I'm not having any expectations, especially after she told me she wanted a divorce after a 5-month separation (it wasn't heat of the moment at all). I know that if this does turn the tide, it will be a long way down the road. I just need to find a healthy way to have hope. I need to read all of uR's posts
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
I feel like it was very destructive but I don't believe it invalidates the entire thing. There were lots of good times, there was some intimacy, just not enough. I didn't say any of that to her. I just asked, "Would you mind saying more?"
To a woman, yes it does. The emotional intimacy is sacrosanct for women so for men engaging in porn to the near exclusion to the martial relationship is very, very destructive and devastating. You only need to read through GGG's threads to get a glimmer of how porn impacts a woman and the marriage.
This is HOW your W feels....don't be too dismissive of her feelings.
I'm very impressed with this exchange. It's like your W finally feels safe to open up, knowing you will be separated anyway. Don't waste this opportunity by suggesting between the lines that if she accepts your confession, you should be back together.
Absolutely not. It is not that simple. Card has to work really hard to regain his wife's trust long, long before contemplating a reconciliation. It is not for Card to suggest that they "should" be back together after he confesses and is transparent about his porn issues. Ironically, it's W who is holding the cards here. And rightfully so.
Hey Card. I am going to be really honest here. It does you no good if I'm not.
I think your conversations have given her a lot to think about. I am glad to see that you are letting her lead on this. She needs to work through this in her own way. Its really important that she does.
This has to be about her. She keeps saying she felt violated. The fact that she keeps repeating it leads me to believe that she isnt feeling validated on this.
It is best to keep it simple,"I am so sorry you are hurting. It was never my intent to make you feel that way. I was wrong to look at porn and put it before my wife. I know that caused a great deal of problems between us."
It is really important that she feels heard. This is really, really difficult for a woman, C. Its why she is asking if she was a good wife. She feels that it is her fault in some way. That it was because she was lacking.
Originally Posted By: Card29
I told her that she took her frustrations out on me for a long time, even ones that had nothing to do with me, and that drove me away for her for a long time.
I would imagine she was frustrated with the way your marriage was and knowing what you did. Be careful there.
Originally Posted By: Card29
I think I could have overcome my porn habit a long time ago if she had met me with love on the topic. Instead she just expressed her disgust.
I know you didnt say that to her, but, I am concerned that you are thinking that. It sounds as if you are blaming her. I would imagine it would be very difficult to meet that topic with love. It is a very hurtful act that clearly made her feel as if she wasnt enough.
Originally Posted By: Card29
She told me today she felt violated during sex for much of our marriage, which hurt to hear. not because I forced or pressured her, just because there was no intimacy.
A woman needs intimacy before the physical, C. She needs to feel connected, loved, cherished. She didnt feel that.
As I said, this has to be about her right now. There should not be anything from you to imply that if you got back together, things would be different. She will think, "Yea, right."
You need to show her that you have changed. She needs to see something different than what she has seen before. And she needs to see it over a long period of time. She needs to feel heard.
Her trust has been broken. You have to earn it back. You do that with consistent actions over time.
Let her lead. Do not get pulled into convos like the one about whether she was a good wife. That just leads to problems. No matter what you say right now, she is going to think she wasnt a good one because she wasnt enough.
Treat her respectfully and with dignity. Show her compassion, strength and honor.
