Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #1

[SunnyB]

I meant you two sit down and clarify expectations together.

Well...yeah...me too. But I can't say that 'cause I pinky promised.

[HPoirot]

Thank you everyone for your advice on schedules. When I broke it to my W that S11 and I would be moving to the condo without her... giving her the separation she had been threatening for 2 months... I made it clear that we would share time with s11. I asked her then to send me her thoughts on a schedule. At first was very angry and tearfully accused me of trying to take her boy and of thinking of suing her for full custody. After a bit, she seemed to accept everything I said about the move to the condo and not having Christmas together. At that point she sent me an email detailing a "tentative" schedule for s11 and for sharing the car. Then she somehow got a rental car for this week only she says. I agreed with most of what she suggested. The agreement wasn't a problem as I left it up to her and she was pretty fair. The problem came last night when she suddenly wanted to take s11 to and from school.

Interestingly, that may have turned out to be a good thing...

This evening, when I went to go get S11 from school, the car wouldn't start. I was really feeling tested. I called the school to let them know s11 would be picked up late. Then I called W for the first time in a while to ask her to go pick up s11. She sounded very businesslike and, despite saying she couldn't before, was able to leave to get him.

She sent a text... "In car. There in twenty!"

40 minutes later she called to say she got s11 from school. She made sure to tell me there was traffic and and accident so that's why she was late. Then she said S11 was sad. Saw that he has not been eating much lunch b/c he is sad. She got concerned and called me a few times about it on her drive with him to the condo. Talked about getting him a different lunch. Talked about picking me up in the rental car to get the HDTV from the old house into the condo so he can play his games. Everything except why he's sad.

She dropped him off here and he came up in the elevator. I could see he was very sad. Talking about all he wants for Christmas is his family to be together. She called me again then an asked if he was still sad. I fought the urge to tell her how angry I was with her and her selfishness. She asked if she could take him home with her. I told her to ask him and gave him the phone. He told her no.

Then, b/c the car won't work, she offered to take him to school and then pick him up and take him to his bball practice tomorrow. I told her to go ahead. I think it will be good for her to see how he really is. Not that it would change anything. The W I knew before would have never left her son feeling sadness like this. It is not at all encouraging to see her do this. She is accepting we're all going to be miserable and we'll just have to suck it up so she can do what she's doing.

I set up his xbox on the old tv here and he was able to play his games. It cheered him up for a second. Now he's turned it off and is wandering around the condo looking sad. I'm going to warm up the lasagne and try to make tonight better for him.

I hate this.

[Vanilla]

Go sit with S, give him a warm hug, tell him you love him.

Hold, squeeze then tickle.

Just sit together watching TV , playing a game, drinking hot chocolate.

Be still and love, then have a pillow fight

Vanilla

[HPoirot]

Thank you Vanilla... we did sit together and watch some tv... a Matrix movie. He had lots of questions and we had a good time. We'll do a pillow fight as soon as he gets out of the shower. Great idea thank you.

I'm really amazed at your positivity Vanilla. I want to be much more like you that way. So, I'm remembering advice to focus solely on myself and my growth. I'm committed to doing that b/c I know it's the best thing for me and S11. I know I say these things over and over... it's to remind myself. I want to get back to where I was a couple nights ago... full of excitement over my chance at a new life. I admit it's a challenge to keep my mind there right now. I wonder why I tend to wallow in crap thoughts that don't serve me or my purpose when I know better. It's like I constantly have to choose my thoughts.

Committed then to choosing the thoughts that serve me tomorrow... Day #4.

And tonight I'm going to start a new tradition. I'm going to pray with my son.

Thank you again Vanilla.

[GoatGal]

HP--just catching up. I was thinking about you the last couple of days, sending you strength to get through this move.

One day at a time.

I'm proud of you!


Your Pal,

The Goat Gal

[HPoirot]

Thank you so much GG. That you would send me strength means so much to me. I really needed that just now. I'm looking at my son and he's happy watching this Matrix movie with me. Asking so many great questions. They were' talking about purpose in the movie. I just told him he's my purpose... my reason for being here. I hope he always remembers this time with me as joyful. I'm really trying my best here. I told him that too as we were eating dinner at the table. He was being so helpful tonight... clearing the table without me asking... getting me a napkin. He's trying so hard to help me. I'm afraid I'm showing him too much of my weakness. I started to cry just now so I left the room. I'm still so hurt and trying so hard to hide it from him and myself and my W everyday. He tells me "your eyes are so red dad... are you OK?" I can't let him see me like this. I'll wash my face and pray with him and put him to bed. And when he's asleep I'll cry then. I'm not strong on my own right now. I want to be. Just not right now. Thank you GG for sending me your strength. I'll be better in the morning.

[Wonka]

HP,

It's okay to give yourself permission to fall apart privately in the privacy of your own space. It is an impossible standard to be strong all the time. Otherwise I'd worry about you.

[MCS]

Just remember, you're here. If you weren't strong, you wouldn't be doing what you are doing. You're fighting for what you believe in, and that takes strength. Crying doesn't mean that you are weak, but sometimes just the opposite. That you are doing the things that are most difficult when no one is making you do them. That's because you are strong. Being emotional about it just gives you conviction in standing for what you are doing. I pray with my kids most days about while we don't know what the plan is for us, it will be a great plan because we all are loved.

[GoatGal]

Yeah, HP--you've been though an awful lot these last few weeks.

Just read back through your threads...what a powerful change.
You're in a new chapter of your life and it is going to be emotional for you.

You've had to hold it together for a long time, you should let it out.
I think it's fine for your son to see this. What a great opportunity to show him that tears don't mean you're not a man, or that you're out of control.

Tears can mean you're sad, even while you're being brave, and that's what the two of you are doing, right?

You can tell your boy that crying means you have stuff inside that needs to come out, because if you hold it in all the time, it hurts you. Letting it out with someone you trust can help you feel better.

And maybe encourage him to talk about HIS feelings, he's got to be experiencing a lot of conflicting emotions right now--since you have learned some validation skills, you can let him express his sadness and concern about the future in the safety of your love for him.

You're gonna be fine.


((Hugs))))

[Mozza]

I want to add my voice to all of those who say that crying is fine, especially what MCS said about being strong for taking the difficult path despite the pain. I probably come across as an optimist on these boards, but would you know that I've cried every day, several times a day, for nearly 3.5 months now? That's from someone who didn't cry in the previous couple of years at least. We all have to process these powerful emotions — stuff that ranks up there in terms of human trial — and crying is one of the healthiest way of doing so; much better than alcohol, violence and spending. I'm very impressed with what you've done over the last few weeks. It takes tremendous strength.