Jim0987 #7 - rebuilding but can't tell what it is

[edz]

No probs mate, I got a well deserved STFU from Vanilla yesterday after getting into an email with W (go look at the thread, MIL causing issues again) and Im now in radio blackout again, I could go on about the scary chit going through my head over that right now especially after what I learned MIL was saying but Im kicking myself (in the absense of Vanilla thumping me one) to STFU with W and just get on!

[Mozza]

Hahaha! Your juggling of baby tigers had me laughing out loud. But she notices, I promise you she does. It's all part of her game to pretend she doesn't because her goal is to hurt you, because she's been hurt by you. That's how it reads from here. Keep improving, doing great stuff: she thinks about it.

Here's a challenge: be optimistic jim0987 for one day. You have plenty of time anyway, so you can spare a day for this. So think positive stuff, see hope in your sitch, report on it here. The following day, you can revert to your old self. But in the meantime, see where it takes you.

Speaking of hope in your sitch, you'd really prefer my situation with a handsome, attentive OM who's replaced me in family activities and drawings and is about to move in, to your W's unstable situation?

[jim0987]

So I reread the infidelity section and it doesn't seem to say anything about busting an affair or not. So I'm confused on the pros/cons of this. Consensus seems leave it alone but I'm curious why? And if their is experience of successfully busting it?

[Dawn70]

OK, so the flaming Christmas tree and baby tiger surgery visual was very vivid and made me laugh out loud. I feel the same way with my H. I could set my hair on fire and run right up in his face and he would just have that same dead look on his face that he adopted when our sitch first started.

I agree with what Mozza said above...try being optimistic and see where that leads. I tend toward pessimism myself, so I am working SUPER hard on optimism and some days it really works well for me.

Hang in there!

[edz]

So I reread the infidelity section and it doesn't seem to say anything about busting an affair or not. So I'm confused on the pros/cons of this. Consensus seems leave it alone but I'm curious why? And if their is experience of successfully busting it?

Me again

I cant answer the last half of that but I think you need to weigh up what good would come out of it versus the fallout. As I said only you know your sitch and w well enough to make the estimate. I think from what I've read the difference between it ending without your interference and your intervening is the control aspect. I dont know if the "fighting for the marriage" aspect is bigger than the appearance of making decisions in her life aspect, I really don't know mate.

I can guess what Vanilla is going to say when she comes by though

Anyway are you not late for all these dancing martial art cocktail drinking escapades you're off out on?



Edz

[Vanilla]

I just adore the one downmanship going on here!

Adore you all but go GAL, GAL, GAL......

Its a secret weapon is GAL, it starts the PMA and keeps the mind going.

Trust me all spouses are watching like a hawk. The rest of it is all puff balls and nonsense.

Jim, hope you enjoy the Ceroc, took me 6 lessons to pick up the basics, then it was all fun after that. Ceroc will teach you to lead physically with your body in the dance, great for posture and poise. We ladies are mere shopping trolleys being guided round the floor by you guys. I am looking forward to hearing about you practicing with D3. Music is great for helping with PMA too and Ceroc music is usually quite upbeat.

I love seeing a GAL plan come to fruition.

In the same place or not. I suppose it depends on the sitch and the type of interaction. In my own case at this point I believe it is a good thing that we are in one house. Why? Well I am getting more opportunities to enforce my boundaries and reduce the abuse. We are down from 3 episodes a day to 3 mammoth episodes a week more or less.

I think H drinks slightly less, this is because I don't enable the drinking any more. I often disappear over night when I know H has been drinking and because I am more aware of H and his gambling/not gambling then I have little piece of mind whilst sharing financials. On the other hand my imagination is not as riotous as I am aware of H movements and I have learned more detachment.

I get more GAL and my PMA is evident. I play music.

Downside; the changes aren't as evident as they are happening more slowly and I still look like crap because of tooth problems, H just perceives me as a 'hypochondriac'.

No one sitch is worse than the other, it will probably be easier to detach further if the spouse is not about. More peaceful, we will see.

For those of you with children then a stable dad or mum will provide relief from stress and anxiety, whether than is in the home or not. Children are more perceptive than we think, if they know that the LBS is working to protect them and re-stabilise the family, then that's one less anxiety for them. Plus there is joy and love in GAL with children and whatever you say they chatter about the GAL and PMA, generally more than the crazies.

Bust an A or not? I think it depends on the A. My common sense says that if busting goes badly wrong there is absolutely no way back. So its a make or break move, I would have thought a final action, with no turning. This is when ALL actions have been done, LRT, going dark (sandi- not saying connected) and all possible avenues have been explored. I do not believe you are near that point yet, and you have children do you really want the effects near them?

Go GAL and keep on going GAL. Things will turn, it takes time for it to do this. Stop fretting and picking at it to make it quicker. The human mind always wants resolution as uncertainty creates dissonance. Stop forcing it to resolve and let it unfold as it will.

GAL pal
Vanilla

[jim0987]

The chief pro is that she is in A fog and that as long as she is she isn't looking at the damage that is done everyday by her choices (and the massive long term damage associated with her moving)

Everything I've seen tells me she is convinced that she will be happy elsewhere. That she wants to find real love and that passion is with OM1. I know she us jealous of her PF even though her AP has been stringing her along for over a year.

Anyway bust the A and W might have to face the consequences if what she's done.

Big con is that she sees it as more of me trying to control her and destroy her happiness.

I did at my lowest point, just before I found here, tell her that because I loved her I would let her go.

[edz]

I'm off out to get some wrapping paper (minions if possible) and see if I can get this waistcoat for tomorrows party (if not I will wear it christmas day instead - stupid collect in store!) but for now my advice is, go do something GAL, go do anything GAL but give your mind and soul a break.

I recognise the way you're thinking from my behaviour in the last few months and for you, for your sanity, go do some GAL and if its still in your mind tomorrow then think about it some more, then do some GAL.

I'll check back later..

[Vanilla]

The chief pro is that she is in A fog and that as long as she is she isn't looking at the damage that is done everyday by her choices (and the massive long term damage associated with her moving)

Everything I've seen tells me she is convinced that she will be happy elsewhere. That she wants to find real love and that passion is with OM1. I know she us jealous of her PF even though her AP has been stringing her along for over a year.

Anyway bust the A and W might have to face the consequences if what she's done.

Big con is that she sees it as more of me trying to control her and destroy her happiness.

Yes when an A is going on they are all like that! This is what an A does. Its like saying a dog barks, a drunk drinks or a fiddler plays, its what they do. And until they come out of it that's how it will be, I am not sure busting it helps. I can move the A to the next stage (when it otherwise wouldn't have done) and it can cause failure of the A then that was likely anyway. Can move them on to another one.

Think Clinton

"I did not have sex with that woman" Monica Lewinski

after saying

"There is no truth in the accusations of that woman" Jenifer Flowers

And boy did he get busted!

Just because you can doesn't mean you should. I trust you have hard evidence too.

Vanilla

[jim0987]

Actually the bust that would work is to contact OM and tell him that Im sure he's a decent guy otherwise why would my W break up a family for him. That the affair was my W choice and that the workplace consequences are entirely for them to worry about. As long as he doesn't hurt my kids and provides them a safe home I won't wish him harm.